It’s official: our gracious, noble Queen Liz junior, has rewritten the record books again by becoming the longest living British monarch in history.

According to Buckingham Palace officials, who have taken into account the exact time Queen Victoria – Liz’s great-great grandmother and now ex-record holder – was born, our own current Queen became the oldest ‘serving’ monarch at 5pm this afternoon.

BBC Radio 1 have made the decision to censor the word ‘faggot’ from Kirsty MacColl and Shane McGowan’s yuletide anthem Fairytale Of New York.

Now, firstly, we would like to apologise for coming off a bit Jim Davidson here, but isn’t this an example of polical correctness gone mad?

Since Naomi Campbell became legal back on 22nd May 1986, she has opened her legs at pelvis-breaking speed to welcome any new black icon that has emerged onto the scene – Mike Tyson, Usher, Damon Dash, P Diddy and that bloke from U2 are among a legion of others who were all more that happy to acquiesce to her chuff-based request.

But modern day hero Lewis Hamilton, the prodigal driving boy with the kindest face in the world, has shown his maturity again by refusing to park up inside Naomi’s cordial car park.

The 22-year-old F1 star, who has been seen with the 37-year-old supermodel on several occasions in recent months, insists the age gap is too big for them to have a relationship.

X Factor presenter and general counter-culture icon Dermot O’Leary has stuck it to the man once again, but it may be once too far, as this time the man is Celine Dion.

You’ll remember that when she was on the show, Celine Dion was discussing the X Factor contestants with O’Leary live on air. Celine wanted to discuss all the contestants on the show, one by one, in a slow, dragging dialogue, with no regard to TV scheduling or the interests of others. And why shouldn’t she; her voice, after all, was the voice that sang over the closing credits of Titanic, making her forever synonymous with the sight of our lovely Jack’s tiny frozen face sinking away into the awful darkness of eternity.

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