Paul Sorrenti - HecklerSpray

Amy Winehouse’s Husband: I’m As Guilty As I Look – Completely

March 25th, 2009 By Paul Sorrenti

Amy Winehouse’s husband, or Blake Fielder-Civil as he’s also known, has changed his plea from not guilty to guilty.

Fielder Civil, 26, has admitted on June 20, 2006, he did indeed assault James King.

Obviously, it isn’t the James King who does those movie reviews for Radio 1 that we’re referring to as, in the eyes of any judge, assaulting him would be no crime at all.

The James King we speak of is the landlord of Macbeth’s pub in London, and Fielder-Civil has also pleaded guilty to conspiring to pervert the cause of justice by offering James King money in return for him dropping the allegations as well as leaving the country.

Little Girl Pulled Screaming Out Of Jessica Alba’s Naughty Bits

March 24th, 2009 By Paul Sorrenti

A little girl has been coaxed out of Jessica Alba’s vagina in what scientists are referring to as a ‘birth’.

According to the scientists, who have conducted ‘research’, Jessica Alba had sex with her husband, Cash Warren, approximately nine months ago and, as far as hecklerspray can deduce, this is somehow linked to the emergence of the little girl.

They have decided to name the little girl Honor Marie Warren. Giving the girl a tag such as this will help to identify her when there are two or more little girls in the same room and in later life people can call out this name in order to get the girl’s attention. Pretty smart when you think about it. Saves a lot of faffing.

The Five Best Stand-Ups You’ve Probably Never Heard Of

August 5th, 2012 By Paul Sorrenti

$five best stand-ups you\'ve never heard of$ Mainstream comedians are fantastic, aren’t they? Of course they are, why else would they be on the telly?

Dawn French, Lee Mack, Justin Lee Collins, Alan Carr… the list is endless.

Just thinking about them makes us want to round up every TV executive in a small room and hack the testicles off them that they haven’t even got in the first place.

And so the following is a list – in no particular order – of some of the most brilliant, unique, prime-time repellent and, therefore, largely anonymous comedians we’ve had the privilege to have never heard.

Read what we’ve got to say, watch and listen to what they have to say, fall in love and spread the word.

SLACKERJACK – Negotiator

June 8th, 2008 By Paul Sorrenti

We all want to be a hero, don’t we? We all want to save someone’s life and have our story in the news. ‘Hero Saves Man’ reads the headline. Next thing you know the mayor’s given you the key to the city and Michael Bay wants to make a biopic about you entitled ‘The loser who did something worthwhile’.

Trouble is that this anodyne, office-based existence that we live in doesn’t give us much chance to be a hero. Once upon a time, when mankind roamed the jungles, we could have thrown ourselves into the lion’s path as it attacked our hunting companion from the rear, and our little tribal village would have put on a hell of a feast in our name.

Sharon Osbourne: ‘Screw You ITV! I Squawk For The BBC Now’

March 25th, 2009 By Paul Sorrenti

In an act of betrayal not matched since the Italians turned their backs on the Nazis in World War Two, or when Sol Campbell moved to Arsenal from Tottenham on a free transfer in the cold, dark summer of 2001, Sharon Osbourne, who recently parted company with long time friend ITV, is preparing to jump in bed with the BBC.

Sharon recently quit ITV1’s X Factor because of something about money. She wasn’t getting her cut of the phone-in vote or something (just joking Sharon). Whatever, she left them, and it doesn’t look like she’s going back.

But then again she’s no doubt said that to Ozzy a few dozen times over the years. And yet, no matter how big the betrayal, she still remains by his side.

The poor fella – as if being a human vibrator wasn’t enough to live with without that over-opinionated ear-ache hanging about the place.

Stuart Heritage Is A Work-Shy Freeloader, So Say Hello To Paul Sorrenti, Ian Dransfield and Shawn Lindseth

August 7th, 2012 By Paul Sorrenti

Hello. I am Paul Sorrenti. How do you do?

This is weird. I’m not sure I’m very comfortable with writing in a first-person narrative anymore. You see, writing for hecklerspray this past six or seven months has made me lose all sense of individuality. The concept of ‘I’ is totally alien to me now.

I can barely remember the man I used to be. Once I had passed the strict audition process I was led into a dark room by one of Lord Heritage’s henchman who sat me down and cuffed me to a chair. Then, after pinning my eyelids back, he turned a projector on.

Race War! Race War! Spike Lee Vs Clint Eastwood. It’s On!

March 25th, 2009 By Paul Sorrenti

It all started when Spike Lee complained that there were no black soldiers in either of Clint Eastwood’s Oscar-nominated war films Flags of Our Fathers and Letters from Iwo Jima.

Spike was upset that the African-American contingent didn’t seem to get any acknowledgement whatsoever from Clint, and he spoke up at the Cannes Film Festival in May.

Lindsay Lohan’s Toilet Love With Bobby Brown’s Son

March 25th, 2009 By Paul Sorrenti

Bobby Brown’s son Brandon Brown has revealed he was once seduced by Lindsay Lohan in a bathroom.

It’s a typical (Bobby Brown-like) boy meets (Lindsay Lohan-like) girl story: They meet at a party. They both think ‘ooh, he/she’s fit’. Boy goes to the toilet for a piss. Girl, perhaps aroused by the potential to orgasm while simultaneously inhaling men’s stale urine, follows him in. They have sex. They are now primed to have their first conversation:

Lindsay: Pass us some tissue. Cheers. So, what’s your name and what do you do?

Brandon: My name’s Brandon. My official job title is ‘son’. And you?

Paris Hilton Isn’t Pregnant. Jurassic Park!

March 25th, 2009 By Paul Sorrenti

$paris-hilton-isn\'t pregnant$ It’s a scary time to be alive. Everywhere you look there are people dying, mothers crying, politicians lying and girlfriends prying.

We are told global warming is going to drown us, terrorists are going to blow us up and Paris Hilton is going to have a baby – it’s all too much.

The human body hasn’t evolved the capacity to deal with such misery, and so it seems that mass suicide is the only reasonable option.

But wait! Put down your nooses, brothers and sisters! Kick off those high heels, rip off those fish nets and spit that orange to the floor, because it would appear that Paris Hilton aint pregnant after all!

Chris Rock Is A ‘Statutory Rapist’, claims TV show. Only Joking!

March 24th, 2009 By Paul Sorrenti

Chris Rock, until recently widely regarded as the funniest man in the English speaking world (as recent as yesterday, in fact) has all of a sudden lost his sense of humour entirely.

Chris, currently touring his ‘No Apologies’ show around South Africa, was the butt of a US reality TV show prank.

You ask: what was said prank? Well, he he, get this! God, we’re laughing just typing it down! Right, this TV show (which no one seems to know the name of) made accusations that Chris Rock has, wait for it… had sex with an underage British girl – when he hasn’t! Ahahahahahaha!

Genius! And yet, for some reason, Chris Rock didn’t find being accused of statuatory rape funny in the slightest. The bloody square.