Amy Winehouse’s husband, or Blake Fielder-Civil as he’s also known, has changed his plea from guilty to not guilty.

Fielder Civil, 26, has admitted that on 20th June, 2006, he did indeed assault James King.

Obviously it isn’t the James King who does those movie reviews for Radio 1 that we’re referring to as, in the eyes of any judge, assaulting him would be no crime at all.

The James King we speak of is the landlord of Macbeth’s pub in London, and Fielder-Civil has also pleaded guilty to conspiring to pervert the cause of justice by offering James King money in return for him dropping the allegations as well as leaving the country.

A little girl has been coaxed out of Jessica Alba’s vagina in what scientists are referring to as a ‘birth’.

According to the scientists, who have conducted ‘research’, Jessica Alba had sex with her husband, Cash Warren, approximately nine months ago and, as far as hecklerspray can deduce, this is somehow linked to the emergence of the little girl.

They have decided to name the little girl Honor Marie Warren. Giving the girl a tag such as this will help to identify her when there are two or more little girls in the same room and in later life people can call out this name in order to get the girls attention. Pretty smart when you think about it. Saves a lot of faffing.

Mainstream comedians are fantastic, aren’t they? Of course they are, why else would they be on the telly? It’s because they are the best of the best; Dawn French, Lee Mack, Justin Lee Collins, Alan Carr… the list is endless.

Just thinking about them makes us want to round up every TV executive in a small room and hack the testicles off them that they haven’t even got in the first place.

And so the following is a list – in no particular order – of some of the most brilliant, unique, prime-time repellant and, therefore, largely anonymous comedians we’ve had the privilege to have never heard.

Read what we’ve got to say, watch and listen to what they have to say, fall in love and spread the word.

We all want to be a hero, don’t we? We all want to save someone’s life and have our story in the news. ‘Hero Saves Man’ reads the headline. Next thing you know the mayor’s given you the key to the city and Michael Bay wants to make a biopic about you entitled ‘The loser who did something worthwhile’.

Trouble is that this anodyne, office-based existence that we live in doesn’t give us much chance to be a hero. Once upon a time, when mankind roamed the jungles, we could have thrown ourselves into the lion’s path as it attacked our…

In an act of betrayal not matched since the Italians turned their backs on the Nazi’s in World War Two, or when Sol Campbell moved to Arsenal from Tottenham on a free transfer in the cold, dark summer of 2001, Sharon Osbourne, who recently parted company with long time friend ITV, is preparing to jump in bed with the BBC.

Sharon recently quit ITV1’s X Factor because of something about money. She wasn’t getting her cut of the phone in vote or something. Whatever, she left them, and it doesn’t look like she’s going back.

But then again she’s no doubt said that to Ozzy a few dozen times over the years and yet, no matter how big the betrayal, she still remains by his side, the poor fella – as if being a human vibrator wasn’t enough to live with without that over-opinionated, under-informed, ear-ache hanging about the place.

Hello. I am Paul Sorrenti. How do you do?

This is weird. I’m not sure I’m very comfortable with writing in a first-person narrative anymore. You see, writing for hecklerspray this past six or seven months has made me lose all sense of individuality. The concept of ‘I’ is totally alien to me now.

I can barely remember the man I used to be. Once I had passed the strict audition process I was led into a dark room by one of Lord Heritage’s henchman who sat me down and cuffed me to a chair. Then, after pinning my eyelids back, he turned a projector on.

It all started when Spike Lee complained that there were no black soldiers in either of Clint Eastwood’s Oscar nominated war films; Flags of Our Fathers and Letters from Iwo Jima.

Spike was upset that the African American contingent didn’t seem to get any acknowledgement whatsoever from Clint, and he spoke up at the Cannes Film Festival in May.

Back then Spike said:

Clint Eastwood made two films about Iwo Jima that ran for more than four hours total, and there was not one Negro actor on the screen. If you reporters had any balls you’d ask him why. But I know it was pointed out to him and that he could have changed it. It’s not like he didn’t know…

To which Clint Eastwood replied:

A guy like that should shut his face.

Bobby Brown’s son (but not Whitney’s) Brandon Brown, has revealed that he was once seduced by Lindsay Lohan in a bathroom or, as the English would more fittingly put it, in a bog.

It’s a typical (Bobby Brown-like) boy meets (Lindsay Lohan-like) girl story:

They meet at a party. They both think ‘ooh, he/she’s fit’. Boy goes to the toilet for a piss. Girl, perhaps aroused by the potential to orgasm whilst simultaneously inhaling the fumes of a conglomeration of random men’s stale urine, follows him in. They have sex. They are now primed to have their first conversation:

Lindsay: Pass us some tissue. Cheers. So, what’s your name and what do you do?

Brandon: My name’s Brandon. My official job title is ’son’. And you?