Astounding News – Westlife Are Still Together! Wait… Who Are Westlife?

Boyband no-hopers Westlife announced their intention to split up yesterday, astonishing a nation that had long since forgotten that the third-rate Boyzone-wannabees even existed.

Ignoring the current music fad of reforming (we’re looking at you, Steps. And, to a MUCH lesser extent, you, Stone Roses) the PoundLand Take That have decided they’ll buck the trend and actually call it a day. Tiring, no doubt, as they are of being mistaken for well-groomed squinty brick-layers with as much collective recognisability as the bloke who ‘does the tampons’ down our local.

And, we imagine, are finally admitting the fact that without gurning, pan-faced buffoon Brian McFadden they are as nothing. Not that they’re bitter about that. Oh no.

Lily Allen vs. Jessie J – The Most Underwhelming Fight Of The Century Is, Inevitably, ON.

It’s been a while since any female UK pop acts have been applauded so Lily Allen has been a bit quiet of late, busying herself as she is with her dreadful non-charitable charity-shop exorbitant clothes-rental business.

But fear not, Jessie J has done quite well at the increasingly perplexing MOBO awards so Lily has piped up once again in the most passive-aggressive manner possible in the hope of starting yet another publicity-garnering feud.

The great big doe-eyed Keith Allen looky-likey publicity hungry geezer-bird tweeted following the awards.

Celebrity Big Brother Contestants Revealed!

It’s been a roller-coaster week, what with red-top tabloids revealing that Charlie Sheen is DEFINITELY going into the Big Brother house only for his reps to categorically deny it and the papers going all quiet only to reveal that Pamela Anderson is DEFINITELY going in only for her reps to probably deny it as of this morning as well.

Well, we can all play that game and hecklerspray can exclusively announce the full list of within-Channel-Five-budget celebrities who are DEFINITELY going into the awful Big Brother house this year!

Although we might go a bit quiet tomorrow.

Angelina Jolie Receives Award For Her Firm Grasp Of Reality. Seriously…WHAT?!

In further evidence that the world has entirely lost it’s mind, the actress Angelina Jolie – who plays make-believe for a living – was last night awarded the Heart of Sarajevo purportedly for her “active engagement in the complexities of the real world”.

As the Cyborg 2 star tearfully accepted the award, the rest of the world was reminded of the moment the satirist Tom Lehrer resigned after Kissinger was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize at the height of the Vietnam War, claiming that satire had just become obsolete.

Applauding Hollywood’s most high-profile blood-vial wearing nut-job for her grasp of “the complexities of the real world” is like applauding a toddler for its grasp of the complexities of nuclear fission. Her own father claimed she had “serious mental problems” for God’s sake.

Brad Pitt’s Arm Having Affair With Woman’s Hand Shock!

Angelina Jolie is believed to be going spastic at recent reports that Brad Pitt might be having “a bit laugh and carry on” with a mystery woman on the set of his new film.

However, these ‘beliefs’ and ‘reports’ are coming from a turgid UK rag owned by pornography-king Richard Desmond, and there seems to be a bit of a cloud hanging over our tabloid press at the minute. We’re not convinced of any Woodward and Bernstein –style investigative journalism at work.

However, there is a photo of a woman touching his arm. Yes, you heard right. The dirty swine. His ARM is absolutely up to its nuts in hand BLART.

Morrissey Hates His Fans, The Music Industry, The Smiths, The Internet And YOU. Probably.

STOP THE PRESS! Or update the gossip website really quickly or something! Swarthy Alan Bennett-wannabee Steven ‘Morrissey’ Morrissey is a bit grumpy about some things!

Anyone who has seen a recent photo of the stocky serenader would think the irony of his well-known vegetarian fizzog currently resembling someone who belongs behind the counter of your local butchers has annoyed him but NO! He’s grumpy about EVERY SINGLE THING THAT GIVES HIM ANY SORT OF A PUBLIC PROFILE EVER!

The utter WEAPON.

Charlie Sheen Admits Using Illicit Drugs – World Rubs Eyes And Wonders If It’s Still Last Year.

In a statement that startled absolutely no-one in the cosmos, Charlie Sheen has come clean and admitted that he once did some drugs and that.

WAIT! It’s steroids this time. Reports that currently no drugs are left in the world for Charlie Sheen to consume are unconfirmed, but we are advising parents to keep their ‘easy-pour’ (my foot) sachets of Calpol under lock and key.

No-one is certain as to why this has come to light, but rumours that Sheen had to remain somehow shocking after he confessed to the use of a fictional drug he alarmingly referred to as “Cha-lay Sheeyn” may be the cause.

David Duchovny Joins The “Ex-Files” Due To His Massive “PRON” Folder.

Fans of the shatteringly unconvincing actor David Duchovny were yesterday reportedly distraught at the news that he has once again split from the “out of his league” actress Tea Leoni.

Details are unclear as of time of publication, but rumours of his long-reported ‘sex addiction’ are rearing their intriguing head again… which would be potentially interesting, were it not for the fact that David ‘Boring’ Duchovny – who, it is rumoured, could talk a glass eye to sleep – classes ‘sex addiction’ as ‘spaffing-off at mucky ladies on the internet’.

Duchovny, as well as being point-blank unable to act, is also unable to destroy his marriage for any interesting reason whatsoever. ‘Sex addiction’ sounds like the best addiction ever – we’ve been told that ‘sex’ is bloody brilliant and, given the chance, we’d lap it up as well. But no, his ‘sex addiction’ is limited to “addiction to pornography, probably on the Internet. It’s the sex equivalent of a gambling addiction” according to Fox News FOUR YEARS AGO.

50 Cent Threatens To Release New Album

Music lovers the world over were last Friday celebrating the news that Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson had decided not to release his forthcoming new album “Black Magic” due to an unspecified spat with his record company Interscope.

In a cruel reversal of fortune for anyone with ears and a brain, Jackson (we’re not going to dignify the whole “50 Cent” thing, much less “Fiddy”) has now announced that he has “begun to resolve” the problems so it looks like the globe will yet again be gifted with another turgid 45 minutes of monosyllabic mumbling and barely-concealed misogynism.

The big mystery is what sparked the whole thing off in the first place. We investigate…

Adele Ordered Not To Sing – Male Population Of World Rejoices

The gentleman here at hecklerspray love Adele. We love the thought of spending an afternoon in some Camden beer-garden with her, marvelling at her ability to sink pints of London Pride in a one-er, belch like Brian Blessed, un-selfconsciously wipe her mouth with the back of her hand, chain-smoke and swear like a sailor. She’s our kind of lady.

What we don’t love the thought of is having to listen to her sing any of her songs ever again.

So, news that doctors have ordered her to stick a long-overdue cork in her whine have been met with a collective sigh of relief. There’s only so often you can listen to a lass caterwauling about some fella who ‘done left her and that’ without feeling the need to stab yourself in the eye just to have something more interesting to think about.