Alleged ‘funny man’ and renowned one-trick pony Sacha Baron Cohen is thought to be the only man on earth laughing as it is announced he has signed an exclusive three-year ‘development’ deal with Paramount Studios.
It is believed the ‘developing’ will involve churning-out yet more identikit cinematic ennui-fests destined to leave laughter-enthusiasts stony-faced and mildly depressed.
Announcing the deal, Paramount CEO Brad Grey described Baron Cohen as “the rare global comedy star” which we take to mean: “He has the rare ability of being found desperately unamusing the world over, yet somehow makes sheds of money for film studios. Good toimes, as that other comedy genius Justin Lee Collins would say. But not to his ex-girlfriend. He definitely has nothing to say to her. And never has.”
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Judging by the snappy title “Jeff Wayne’s Musical Version of the War Of The Worlds: The New Generation”, the upcoming musical version of the dreary 1978 concept album is set to be as laborious as it’s source material.
Ricky ‘Dull’ Wilson’s recent announcement on Twitter is not going to help, as he informs an apathetic world that he is set to appear in it.
Playing a professional pie-taster, we can only assume based on his fizzog of late.
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Video games get sequels all the time. We’re near-constantly being beaten around the head with them. Yet, there are few video games that prompt more feverish excitement amongst fans than the Resident Evil series, so let’s have a gander at the trailer for Resident Evil 6 shall we?
The uneducated will confuse this with the trailer for some dreadful Underworld-style actual film, but hardcore Resident Evil fans will be simultaneously excited and dismayed by the teasers for ‘the gaming experience of 2012’ (ie: ‘the gaming experience of four hours of 2012 so they can be the first to post a review on gamefaqs.com’).
Use your bleary, bloodshot eyes to watch the trailer and read our jokes over the jump:
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It seems years ago Mariah Yeater made the unbelieble (!) claim that Justin Bieber had spaffed a viable sperm into her vulva resulting in a tiny little yodelling girl/boy-child growing in her womb when, to look at him, you couldn’t imagine he’d progressed as far as having sex with Lady Palm and her five inexperienced clammy sisters.
There’s been paternity tests and no-one’s known what to think until convicted criminal, current resident of the Big House, Mariah Yeater’s ex and beacon of truth Robert Powell (not that one) has revealed that actually HE is the father.
Yes really.
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Stalkers of genuinely interesting people who warrant obsessive behaviour were thought to be applauding the actions of Thomas Brodnicki last night, as the aforementioned botherer of Selena Gomez asked for permanent, legally-binding non-contact with a woman few people have actually heard of.
There had apparently been genuine fear amongst the terrifying community of medicated borderline-schizophrenics that their actions would be belittled if someone were to grab headlines for stalking somebody virtually-unknown.
Fortunately Thomas has recently requested that the temporary restraining order granted against him last year be extended indefinitely, presumably to prevent him from the further embarrassment of pestering someone non-famous as all his mental friends mock him with infra-red images of the inside of Angelina Jolie’s house and long-lens footage of Daniel Craig tea-bagging Rachel Weisz. We imagine.
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Dreadful orange sloppy-seconds-bargain-bin-Jordan Chantelle ‘Chantelle’ Houghton, not content with hawking her fake breasts, fake eyelashes and, we presume, non-fake pregnant belly has this week launched an all-out assault on anyone with any sense of decorum whatsoever.
Appearing in nothing more than a bikini in more tatty publications and websites than we were even aware existed (Celebrity Baby Scoop anyone? Anyone? We’re not even making it up) Chantelle has been coining it something rotten from her four-month old child, serving only to remind the world that she is swelled with the product of ex-Katie Price ‘Reidenator’ Alex Reid.
‘Reidenator’. Yes. Katie ‘Jordan’ Price said that out loud.
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Panto season must be upon us, as formerly-relevant perplexing poltroon and peddler of pretend-angst Brian Hugh Warner has once again unveiled his Halloween-night-Lily-Savage alter-ego ‘Marilyn Manson’ in an unsuccessful attempt to outrage/impress anyone who still gives two hoots during a boozy night out in Las Vegas.
The vain attempt to appear partially interesting involved Brian going out on the lash in the Born And Raised bar in suburban Vegas – basically a provincial Yates’s from what we can gather. This was after, we assume, getting turned-away from any ‘real’ bars on the Strip all of whom have a strict “no wankers” policy. Luckily Brian managed to make himself look like the utter weapon he is.
Highlights of the evening, courtesy of the man determined to turn his previously imagined reputation of ‘controversial’ into that of stone-cold-fact ‘tiresome’, include:
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Do you see the hilarious pun we did in the headline? Do you? It’s writing like this that wins prestigious awards.
So, N-Dubz – you know, the guy in the silly hat, the quite fit one and the other dude – have been a bit quiet of late, what with Dappy going it alone with that single that even we begrudgingly liked a bit (in the sense that we quite liked it when our younger brother learned to beatbox in 1992 and he wasn’t terrible at it), Tulisa going all ‘television-star’ and Fazer being all ‘unrecognisable in the street and playing Gears Of War 4 all day long’?
Well, all that’s about to change because Richard ‘Fazer’ Rawson has been dragged into the limelight by X-Factor contestant Misha B, who has reportedly been texting the unconfirmed-Tulisa-love-interest in the mistaken belief that he is a mogul capable of launching her career. When in actual fact he probably met her back-stage lurking about, enticed as he was by the promise of free Pringles and a reason to get out of the flat.
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