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Nik Johnson

TV Review: Katie Price Meets Piers Morgan

To the despair of Google Image users everywhere, there are several Jordans in the world: The basketball player, the Asian country and the brand of Nike Airs to name just three. However, potential masturbators will be most familiar with the variable-titted cock-holster better known as Katie Price. As promised on Twitter, Katie has been keeping [...]

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Television Review: Britney Spears Saved My Life

by Nik Johnson

In this age of getting mediocre celebrities to try their hand at something new for the telly, it’s an amazing coup for BBC Three to sign Britney Spears up for a one off documentary where she performs open heart surgery – with crazy consequences! As entertaining as that would be, it would require several things [...]

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Television Review: Alan Carr: Chatty Man

by Nik Johnson

Everything about Alan Carr is ridiculous. The high-pitched, squealing voice, the mincing walk, the thick black glasses and enormous teeth. So it’s no surprise that his new Channel 4 talk show has a silly name too. Alan Carr: Chatty Man. Who says “chatty” in real life? I imagine only mothers in the playground, whinging about [...]

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Television Review: Coach Trip

by Nik Johnson

Remember when you were a child and you went on holiday, you inevitably ended up making best friends with some other family, spent two weeks doing everything together and then promised to meet back up when you got home. And never did. But what of the other berks you met out there: The beer-bellied, tattooed [...]

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TV Review: Gok’s Fashion Fix

by Nik Johnson

According to lie-factory Wikipedia, Gok Wan’s name means Noisy Big City, but it would be far more appropriate if he were called Nosy Big Twat. From the Trinny and Susannah school of tit-prodding and granny-groping, Gok is desperate for you to dress properly. So take off that stained T-shirt, wipe the crumbs off your trousers [...]

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Top Nine Why Are You On My Telly Screen?

by Nik Johnson

The best way to judge the quality of a TV show (without the hassle of actually watching it) is to see which stars have signed up. Ricky Gervais enlisted Robert De Nero for Extras, while Never Mind the Buzzcocks has some tit from N-Dubz every single week. Here’s the top Shite Mark of Quality celebrities [...]

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Building Your Own Jordan: The Model

by Nik Johnson

Hecklerspray was saddened to hear of the Jordan/ Peter Andre relationship breaking up this week, even if it has allowed the opportunity to make jokes about a lovely pair and love splits, which was taken with relish.

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The Apprentice Half-Term Report

by Nik Johnson

15 bell-ends, one job. The race is on to find someone to tongue Alan Sugar’s wrinkled old scrotum. And make lots of money before the economy collapses.

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