Do you have one of those face things? You do? Bit of a mess, is it? Like an angry bollock with all weird bits of hair and spots and stuff?

Bet you’ve got a lovely personality though. Bit of a charmer, a wit, could have all the ladies in the world if it wasn’t for the unfortunate looking hatstand on your shoulders.

What you need is Dating in the Dark, a Living TV extravaganza, where the rules would only need explaining if you were a total idiot. So listen up. Three boys, three girls all say hello to each other in…

“Who is your daddy, and what does he do?” asked Arnold Schwarznegger in improbable 90s action film Kindergarten Cop.

If the bumstains on Young, Dumb and Living off Mum were to answer, they’d say “daddy is the best, he does what I tell him”, and then run off to cry because their new Porsche is the wrong shade of blue.

YDALOM is a reality show following eight spoiled, lazy buggers as they’re forced out of the comfort zone of being pampered by mummy, and into a house together. Like Big Brother, except with feckless young idiots. Each week, they perform a task, and at the…

To the despair of Google Image users everywhere, there are several Jordans in the world: The basketball player, the Asian country and the brand of Nike Airs to name just three.

However, potential masturbators will be most familiar with the variable-titted cock-holster better known as Katie Price.

As promised on Twitter, Katie has been keeping a dignified silence about her divorce with Aussie warbler Peter Andre, breaking it only briefly to swear about him. Which is about as dignified as you can get without talking to Piers Morgan on TV and revealing all – thankfully not literally: one slimy twat is more…

In this age of getting mediocre celebrities to try their hand at something new for the telly, it’s an amazing coup for BBC Three to sign Britney Spears up for a one off documentary where she performs open heart surgery – with crazy consequences!

As entertaining as that would be, it would require several things that this program doesn’t have: A budget, willing patients and, crucially, Britney Spears.

This is a documentary about her fans, not just those that have an album or two, but the absolutely hardcore mentalist ones, the ones that own red catsuits and you’d cross the road to…

Everything about Alan Carr is ridiculous. The high-pitched, squealing voice, the mincing walk, the thick black glasses and enormous teeth.

So it’s no surprise that his new Channel 4 talk show has a silly name too. Alan Carr: Chatty Man.

Who says “chatty” in real life? I imagine only mothers in the playground, whinging about someone being too chatty. Or not chatty enough. Or bullying them into an eating disorder. I don’t know. Alan Carr: Chat Man sounds a bit too much like a rubbish superhero. At least they didn’t go for a pun on his name and a cheeky Carry On-style innuendo…

Remember when you were a child and you went on holiday, you inevitably ended up making best friends with some other family, spent two weeks doing everything together and then promised to meet back up when you got home. And never did.

But what of the other berks you met out there: The beer-bellied, tattooed chap wearing Union Flags anywhere possible, drinking in English pubs and eating English food. While in France. Or the perma-drunks, slurring their complaints at the waiter, while not even bothering to learn a single word of Spanish? Or the wife-swapping tapas eaters that didn’t notice…

According to lie-factory Wikipedia, Gok Wan’s name means Noisy Big City, but it would be far more appropriate if he were called Nosy Big Twat.

From the Trinny and Susannah school of tit-prodding and granny-groping, Gok is desperate for you to dress properly. So take off that stained T-shirt, wipe the crumbs off your trousers and get ready to look beautiful.

Come on, you slob. You disgust me. This is Gok’s Fashion Fix.

The best way to judge the quality of a TV show (without the hassle of actually watching it) is to see which stars have signed up.

Ricky Gervais enlisted Robert De Nero for Extras, while Never Mind the Buzzcocks has some tit from N-Dubz every single week.

Here’s the top Shite Mark of Quality celebrities to avoid at all costs…