The Beatles 1, People In Wheelchairs 0

Do The Beatles hate people in wheelchairs? John Lennon was always ‘spazzing’ during the Fab Four’s shows in the 60s wasn’t he? Is there some kind of ablist agenda with the group? Surely not? Surely that can’t be right?

Executives at Apple Corps, which is the company set up by the assorted members of Mop Tops, have taken up a dispute with a load of wheelchairs.

And the wheelchairs didn’t stand a chance in the face of the might that is The Most Famous Band Who Ever Lived.

Gwyneth Paltrow Is So Dull She Gets Excited By English Pharmacies

Gwyneth Paltrow has a tedious life. She’s married to Chris Martin from Coldplay for a kick-off. As such, she’s taken to standing in pharmacies in England and getting so excited that she could potentially soil herself.

No, we’re not twisting her words. She actually gets excited by chemists.

So is she getting in a tizz over those lollipops you can buy that act like slide whistles? Or does she like standing on those big old-fashioned scales by the front door? Not a chance. Remember, we’re dealing with a bore here.

Kim Kardashian Is Being Taken To Court By Ex-Husband Over Wedding Presents

Firstly, well done if you half read the headline and thought it was about David Gedge. Secondly, how awful a human must Kim Kardashian be if estranged husband Kris Humphries is taking her to court over some wedding presents, which were going to benefit charity?

See, after the demise of their 72 day marriage, Kris Humphries has been apoplectic with rage. Kim K, trying to put a positive spin on it, had decided to keep their wedding gifts but donate double their value to charity.

He’s not having that.

Star Wars Is Dead Says George Lucas [Video]

George Lucas has not exactly endeared himself to Star Wars fanatics lately, tinkering with the films they love so dearly. Darth Vader shouting “Noooooo!” seems to have sent fans so insane with rage, that they have written many, many angry forum posts.

Heavy. Death Star heavy.

And so, like a small boy who is tired of being shouted at by his parents, George Lucas has announced that Star Wars is being killed off, forever.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Danny DeVito To Star In Triplets With Eddie Murphy (WHAT?!)

Rehashing old films is the order of the day in Hollywood currently. 3D rereleases of old tat and revamps of 80s TV series, boardgames and movies are rampant. With Total Recall getting remade without Arnie, what can he do with his time?

Well, when he’s not constantly saying sorry for shagging his maid and having a secret child with her, he’s obviously looked toward the comedic roles that were terrible in a non-ironic enjoyment way.

And so, in what is one of the most peculiar news stories of 2012, it appears that Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito will be revisiting their Twins film, bringing along Eddie Murphy to make the sequel, Triplets. No. The milkman didn’t spike you this morning.

BBC Axe Total Wipeout: Richard Hammond And Amanda Byram Hilariously Out Of A Job

Auntie BBC has announced that she’s going to axe the gameshow Total Wipeout after three years on air… which is obviously hilarious because this means Richard Hammond won’t be on TV quite so much and Amanda Byam is out of a job completely!

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Of course, watching people fall over is always funny, but the BBC got Total Wipeout wrong. Mainly because the presenters sucked and they missed a vital ingredient out… and we’re going to tell you exactly what that is.

Snoop Dogg To Make Reggae Album Which Might Just Contain A Few Weed References

Snoop Dogg likes to smoke a little of that sticky icky icky. We know this because he talks about almost nothing else. Remarkably, he hasn’t proclaimed a fondness for reggae yet, so the rapper has decided to create yet another ode to weed by announcing that he’s making a reggae LP with Diplo.

Yes, really.

It’ll be all blunts-this, chong-that… light-‘em-up and gorging on as many packets of 10p crisps at the 24 hour garage as he can.

Ashley Cole! Read The Lyrics To ‘Screw You’ By Cheryl Cole

Despite the rumours that persist about Ashley Cole, he went and got married to Cheryl from Girls Aloud (despite the rumours that persist about her too). All was going swimmingly until Ashley started fooling around.

Overnight, the heartache meant that Cheryl Cole because the people’s princess. We forgot all about that toilet attendant business. Ashley Cole was public enemy number one!

And so, after a quiet spell, Chezza is back with a new song called Screw You and, well, while there’s no official word on it, it does sound a lot like a barbed attack on a certain ex husband. And the lyrics are rather fruity too!

Sir Elton John Is Pregnant

Amazing news! Sir Elton John is planning to have another baby, apparently! That’s right, the bitch is back and he’s pregnant with his second child. Of course, his partner David Furnish has had something to do with it.

When Elton gives birth, it’ll be a delightful sibling for 14-month-old son Zachary.

We do worry about Elton John’s wee-way though. How does one go about squeezing a child out of your little wang? With him being a celebrity, he’ll probably have a C-section won’t he? How terribly fashionable.

Tulisa Runs Away To USA Where They Don’t Have The Internet Or Sarcasm

Leave it! Two two’s naaah! Tulisa Contostavlos is fleeing the UK to hide away in the US after being repeatedly mocked over her sex tape with MC Ultra. Mainly because she doesn’t appear to be very good at giving gobbles.

The X Factor judge is planning to escape by heading to Miami to visit  Terius Nash (or, The-Dream to you) who clearly doesn’t have the clout to be sarcastic about her sex tape and indeed, mustn’t have an internet connection like the rest of America.

So what’s The Female Boss (Female Nosh more like) saying about it all?