Michael Park - HecklerSpray

Badvertising: Out Of Work Actors 4 U

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

There’s nothing worse than having to sit down and read loads of words. Especially if you’ve broken your leg or had your eyes ripped out by a sexually aggressive crow. That’s why we like to help you out by making some videos for you every now and then.

It doesn’t mean they’re good- as you can see Dep Ed Michael & ‘Spray scribe Euan?have very, very shaky hands. That doesn’t matter though because, for your viewing pleasure, they’ve had a think about what Lawyers do when they’re not out chasing ambulances.

Reports Of Teenagers Spontaneously Combusting Over Justin Bieber’s Support Of The Wanted

February 9th, 2012 By Michael Park

Worrying reports are beginning to reach the hecklerspray news desk of spontaneous combustion among children.?

Reports so far are sketchy but it is thought that the exact demographic affected is girls & boys between the ages of 11 & 17. Parents are being advised to keep their children away from the internet for the foreseeable future to limit the risk of catastrophic explosion.

Experts have warning that if the spread of these fiery paroxysms isn’t stemmed immediately, it could lead to a cataclysmic chain reaction that could- if predictions are accurate- wipe out all human life on the planet, leaving Earth in the paws of Dormice.

Webthump vs. The Tumblr Trawler – The Result

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

A couple of weeks ago we asked you to vote on which of our regular ‘best of the web’ features would survive and live to fight on through the murky world of the World Wide Web.

It was a tough fight and some things were said which neither competitor is particularly proud of but we do have a winner. From this Wednesday, your ‘best of the web’ feature will be…

Enjoy!

Geri Halliwell Confirms Another Terrible Spice Girls Reunion

February 5th, 2012 By Michael Park

Spice Girls fans! Rejoice in your wasted lives because it seems like the Spice Girls are coming back! …Again.

Former Spicer Geri Halliwell, famous for such solo hits as ‘Mi Perro Latino’, about a latin dog and the one where she was dead in the video, has claimed that the Spice Girls could be due for another money-spinning reunion.

Actually, that’s totally unfair. While most groups end up reuniting out of a love of crack cocaine and cold hard cash, the Spice Girls appear to be coming out of retirement to celebrate the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee.

Dougie Poynter & Mark Wright To Become TV’s Worst Ever Double Act

February 5th, 2012 By Michael Park

Everyone knows why Ant & Dec are successful. It’s because ITV keep giving them money to appear on television. Their success is also built on a natural rapport and an overwhelming level of similarity that often leads old people to ask which one is which. No-one really knows.

There are very few double acts that are still going these days, aside from Ant & Dec, there is only really Paddy McGuinness and his delusion who are operating in tandem. Think about it- if you could have any two people to form a double act and be commissioned to make television programmes, who would you want?

If you said anything other than Mark Wright and Dougie Poynter then you clearly have no interest in the future of prime time television.

Readers’ Letters: “THIS IS MEANT TO BE A WEBSITE?!” Or “How To Make Friends With Morons”

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

It’s Friday and the hecklerspray bedsit has breathed a collective sigh of relief as they’re allowed out into the world to live among functioning humans for a couple of days. Unfortunately, I’m still here as there are Readers’ Letters to be analysed. Still, it’s nice to have a bit of peace and quiet to work. No Mof Gimmers shouting about codpieces, no Sophie Hall shouting at Kris Wood for making a reclining chair out of sausage and no Euan L Davidson, breathing heavily in my ear.

Yes folks, Fridays are the nicest time to be in the bedsit. It’s easier to sit in “the clean chair” and the stale stench of discarded cigarettes and methylated spirits is beginning to lift. Unfortunately, that means that the foetid stench of the hecklerspray post bag is coming through loud and clear.

It stings the nostrils.

Ex-TOWIE Star Harry Derbidge Wins “Idiots’ Idiot” Award

January 30th, 2012 By Michael Park

There isn’t much to be said about Harry Derbidge that hasn’t already been said. By that we mean that there is very little to say about Harry Derbidge aside from the fact that he appears to have an IQ comparable to that of a brain-damaged heron. In fact, up until today we hadn’t actually heard of anyone called Harry Derbidge and assumed that a ‘derbidge’ was a way of accessing a castle.

Of course we know better now and our apologies go to the young Mr Derbidge who has spent the weekend garnering our respect by winning a massive important award! Yeah! Screw the brain-dead attention seekers of The Only Way Is Essex! Their former colleague Harry has picked up the coveted “Idiots’ Idiot” award at a hastily arranged ceremony sponsored by hecklerspray.

Let’s hear it for Harry, readers!

Drake Proves That Even Celebrities Have Unattainable Goals

January 30th, 2012 By Michael Park

You’re familiar with Drake already, aren’t you? Of course you are. You’re totally down with the kids. Well, he’s spent the weekend proving that even people with watch collections have hopes and dreams.

Not content with selling loads of records to over-protective hip-hop fans, Drake is apparently itching to play US President Barack Obama in a movie. It’s the next logical step for a star whose previous acting experience includes, “Guy In Bathroom Mirror” and “Crymaxing On A Webcam”.

The noted Thespian – who collaborated with Rihanna on ‘What’s My Name’, in case you’re still not sure who he is – has revealed that he studies Obama’s mannerisms in case a role comes his way. Which it never will. Ever.

Readers’ Letters: “Gays Have No Rights” Or “How I Learned To Stop Thinking & Leave Youtube Comments”

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

God, look at you all.

Sat there in your ostentatious Ivory Towers looking down on us in our hecklerspray hovel as we scrap around trying to pick a living from the meagre bones of underweight celebrities. You sit in judgement of us like a Feudal Lord views his peasants with seeming omniscience.

You sit there with your lucky dip box at the ready, it loaded with randomly generated insults and put-downs designed to make us feel like the lowest of the low, like the dog dirt on the shoe of the internet, like Tim Westwood. Your words are designed to cut, to hurt but are said with the best interests at heart. You want to protect your favourite celebrity because you know- deep down- that they’re too disinterested or stupid to defend themselves.

WEBTHUMP vs. THE TUMBLR TRAWLER – Who Survives? You Decide!

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

It’s that time of the week where you’d usually be reading hecklerspray’s look at the best that the whole wide internet has to offer. This week it’s different. This week things are going to get real.

You see, at hecklerspray, we value your feedback. Given that 90% of the time “your feedback” is to aggressively wish death upon us, we’ve grown used to ignoring it and making snide remarks about your sexual profligacy while we hide in the bedsit, cocooned in our wrap-around Virtual Boy-style monitors.

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