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Michael Park

Preposterously Dull Alexandra Burke Has Boyfriend Replacement Team On Standby

by Michael Park

We all know that relationships are tough, even for the most boring people amongst us. Actually, especially for them. Imagine having nothing to say to someone that you think you love but you’re too much of a dullard to actually express the emotion. That must be heart-rending. See the link? Yes, that’s right folks X [...]

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Tulisa Contostavlos Courts Blindness With Airport Masturbation Aid

by Michael Park

Masturbation. After reading that headline, some of you are probably doing it right now. That’s fine, no-one’s judging you for that. What you do in an office full of people is your own business. Regardless of your filthy, under-the-desk habits, you don’t often hear that celebrities like a good toss every now and then. Sure, [...]

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Eddie Murphy & Toni Braxton Are Dating Which Is Quite Literally The Best News Ever

by Michael Park

Let’s face it, if you only read one celebrity story this week, it really should be this one. Sit back, relax, pop on your limited edition casette single of ‘Unbreak My Heart’, get The Nutty Professor on your DVD player and have a psychiatrist on standby because this is going to blow your tiny mind. [...]

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Ghostbusters 3 Left Covered In Sticky Ectoplasm As Bill Murray Pulls Out

by Michael Park

Remember ages ago we told you that Bill Murray might actually sign on to do Ghostbusters 3 despite still actually having a career and a modicum of respect in Hollywood? Well, fear not. He’s gone and ruined Dan Aykroyd’s dream of a reunion by deciding not to do it. Again. Still, fans of the series [...]

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Readers’ Letters: “The Bizarre Book Of The Baywatch Racist”

by Michael Park

To think, it’s only been a week since the last Readers’ Letters and here you are; still sitting with blood dripping from your mouth, waiting for more. You’re too keen, if you keep this up we’ll never love you. Love is a well-known phenomenon which is actually the very antithesis of Readers’ Letters. Can you [...]

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Readers’ Letters: “A Troll Calls” Or “Learning To Be Alone”

by Michael Park

Like Chris Brown in a boxing gym, we’re not surprised to see that you’ve come back for more. Of course, the outraged backlash against our good pal Breezy has seen #TeamBreezy go into remission, hiding around the corner, waiting to spread into our lymph nodes as soon as we let our guard down. That’s not [...]

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Jedward To Front Channel 5′s Best Programme Ever!

by Michael Park

We all know Britain’s premiere broadcaster Channel 5 is working its socks off to bring us the very best in televisual entertainment every single day, which is why you’ll be pleased to hear that they’ve come up with the perfect vehicle for John & Edward Grimes, more commonly known as the entity “Jedward”! Lucky us! [...]

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Charlie Sheen Forgets That ‘Two & A Half Men’ Was Just As Bad With Him As It Is Without Him

by Michael Park

Remember Charlie Sheen? Oh, come on don’t be that way. Of course you remember him. He was in a few brilliant Zucker, Zucker & Abrahams spoofs in the early 90s’. Really? He was the ‘drug addicted bad boy’ in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off? Seriously? You don’t remember? What about the drug-addled crackhead with more delusions [...]

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Skrillex & Ellie Goulding’s Blossoming Romance Pre-Emptively Named Least Interesting Thing Of 2012

by Michael Park

It might surprise you to learn that dubstep superstar Skrillex has managed to evade our detection up until now. Fans of uninspired, grimy rubbish need live in fear no longer. He finally matters to us! Why do we suddenly care what the Greasy-Haired Prince of the Undercut is up to? Well, in case you haven’t [...]

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Readers’ Letters: “This Ignorant Little Twit’s Opinion Doesn’t Matter” Or “A Cacophony Of Verbose Morons”

by Michael Park

Every week it’s the same, nothing ever really changes. We come into the hecklerspray bedsit on a Monday morning, having been released to poison the outside world over the weekend, and find the same stinking pizza boxes, the same drained bottles of methylated spirits and the same greasy, ignominious faces staring at us across the room. [...]

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