Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Is it possible that there’s a direct correlation between Readers’ Letters going into hibernation for a couple of weeks and you lot losing your minds?
It certainly seems that way to us. This week has been a bumper Christmas annual of bad form and spirit crushing idiocy and we have you to thank for it. Yes, you the reader. You’re scum and we love it.
Gird your loins, it’s time for a trawl through the foetid hecklerspray post bag.
Along with Keanu Reeves, Matthew McConaughey is one of those actors that make you think “I could do that”. His down-home style and inability to replicate a wide range of emotions, make McConaughey one of Hollywood’s most saught-after romantic comedy actors.
Now it seems that the 42-year-old has sparked one of the largest movements of population since the days of the pioneers by claiming he feels like a true Texan.
The actor recently relocated from Los Angeles to his native state of Texas with fianc? Camila Alves and their two small children and things were going along just fine until he had to open his massive trap, leaving many Texans feeling as though they had no alternative but to up-sticks and make a break for the border.
You’re stunningly dull sometimes, readers.
We toil away, day after day writing some of the most libellous nonsense on the internet and all you have to say is “Ha.” or “Good work.” or maybe the occasional, “Yes, I agree with your pathological dislike of digestive biscuits”.
This week has seen our foetid pouch of correspondence whimper under the sheer weight of your tiresome opinions. Not once did we read something that truly shocked us and not once did we cry out with joy at someone’s obsessive missive. That being said, we have to make a feature out of it so here’s us over-reacting to your comments.
One of the celebrity’s greatest fears is the cunning, cold-hearted assassin. Those who kill for money or for a cause. They kill without remorse and without feeling, leaving the families and friends of their victims devastated. The mark of a great assassin is their ability to kill without getting caught.
So what if we told you that there was a group of people out there, numbering in the thousands who are poised and waiting with their fingers on triggers and their breath held. Waiting for the shot. We’re not talking about Mossad or the CIA here; we’re talking One Direction fans.
With the adolescent purveyors of pop currently ‘cracking’ America, their fans are on the look out for high value targets.
Rock music is all about big parties, big hair and big mountains of cocaine that you can slam a groupie’s head into, isn’t it? Not if you’re Axl Rose and all you want is to get your head down for a couple of hours.
Perhaps we’re being too harsh on ol’ castrato-voice himself but this is- without a doubt- the most boring news story in Rock. That’s right folks, this one’s a stinker.
Axl Rose wanted blackout blinds for his penthouse suite so he could get some kip.
If you remember a time where people weren’t famous because they had tattooed tally marks representing every woman they’d ever had sex with which criss-crossed their body making them look like a Wilkinsons version of Hellraiser then close this window now.
In case you hadn’t heard, Celebrity Big Brother contestant and X Factor flop Frankie Cocozza is being lined up to become ‘The Bachelor’.
What better choice to replace the hunky, dull-witted appeal of Gavin Henson with a Paolo Nutini lookalike who’s been drowned in cooking oil and then reanimated?
Rihanna: like her or loath her, everybody’s definitely a little bit bored of her. Look at her, out there releasing catchy pop records and constantly touring and performing. She’s living her dream but she’s doing right up in our faces.
Of course, catch pop records and flashing a bit too much skin at a prime time TV audience isn’t the reason that RiRi’s been in the news recently. She’s started collaborating with Chris Brown and by that we don’t mean that they’re both out roaming the streets of Hollywood trying to find women to beat up, we mean that she’s started making music with him.
Way to low-ball yourself professionally there, Rihanna.
Come on now, don’t be like that. We can already see you spitting blood at the mere sight of the headline. Someone’s insulting the memory of your beloved chiselled men and it isn’t us?! To be honest, we’re furious too.
Kristin Scott Thomas, star of such films as The English Patient and Confessions of a Shopaholic has publicly stated that she doesn’t understand why people love celebrity culture. We have- of course- decided to take this as a personal affront and will here-on be referring to her as “That Bloody Actor”.
She has also told Psychologies Magazine that she doesn’t see the appeal of Ryan Gosling or Robert Pattinson who are, without doubt and in the context of this article and this article only, clearly the greatest actors ever to have walked the earth.
Olly Murs is an exciting young chap, isn’t he? When he’s not presenting the Xtra Factor, he’s batting off rumours about his sex life by claiming he’s an asexual castrato with a crippling level of shyness.
Now it seems that renowned wallflower Murs is coming out of his shell after his therapist dared him to ask Cheryl Cole on a date.
Cheryl’s act, Joe McWhatsisface, beat Olly to win the X Factor in 2010 but that didn’t stop the shy, retiring young Essex boy from saying that he would like to steal a kiss from Mrs Cole.
Music’s brilliant, isn’t it? Look at the great artists of the last 50 years: Elvis, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Frankie Cocozza, Led Zeppelin, Alexandra Burke, Destiny’s Child, Ray Quinn. What do they all have in common? They were all discovered on TV talent shows.
But now X Factor judge and Take That lyric-meister-general Gary Barlow has taken matters into his own hands and has gone out into the world looking to discover talent for himself. Like a madman!
He’s been visiting Commonwealth countries to record performances for the official “Hurrah, the Queen’s still alive” track he is co-writing with Andrew “The Phantom Menace” Lloyd Webber, which will be played at the Queen’s Quartz Jubilee Concert in June.
