Oprah Winfrey is big. We’re not talking physically big here. That’s a given.

We’re talking about an ego so freakin’ enormous that it operates like a gargantuan black hole, physically and spiritually swallowing up everything in sight – man, woman, child, baby back ribs, U.S. First Ladies – you name it.

Well, just when we thought that we understood the awesome light and matter-consuming force that is Oprah, she goes and does something completely uncharacteristic of someone whose personal fortune was not built on prattling on and on about Oprah. Turns out, Oprah has ushered in a brave new world where people other than Oprah are seen on the cover of Oprah’s magazine, O (for Oprah).

We have to admit that we were blindsided with the news that Oprah had magnanimously opted to share the front cover of O magazine’s April issue with someone not named Oprah. Turns out, the universe is also occupied by another sentient being named Michelle Obama. Huh. That is some messed up shit.

According to Oprah’s editorial, she decided to make room for the U.S. First Lady in an attempt to keep the cover of O “looking fresh”, and sure enough the feature interview is chock full of fresh, yummy details regarding Michelle’s shoes, exercise regimen and decorating style. Gloria Steinem, your head may explode now.

Oprah’s newfound inclusiveness however comes to a full, screeching stop near the end of the interview when Oprah returns to her favourite subject, Oprah:

Oprah: A reporter who once interviewed me ten years after she’d first met me said, “Gee, you’re the same person—but it feels like you’ve become more of yourself.”

Becoming more of yourself…hmmm…

A word of caution to the patrons of all-you-can-eat buffets everywhere. Never, ever approach Oprah when she is in the process of becoming more of herself. Just back away slowly, and discreetly gesture to the manager. Our prayers will be with you.

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Just when you thought Kevin Costner couldn’t get any less interesting, comes news that he and his second wife Christine Baumgartner have again genetically replicated themselves.

This time producing a squealing, pooping life form remarkably named Hayes Logan.

Pinch us. The numbness is spreading.

Kevin Costner is just plain fascinating.How else to describe someone who has the creative capacity to produce fine films like Dancing With Wolves and Open Range, yet chooses to sadistically torture the entire planet with epic foul-smelling turds like Waterworld and the Postman? Yup.Kevin Costner sure is an enigma wrapped up in a, um, thing, of absolutely no interest to anyone.

Disregarding the fact that the nervous system of every sentient bring on earth flatlines at the very mention of his name, Kevin Costner has publicly announced the arrival of his sixth child, Hayes Logan Costner.

Costner recently told AP radio that he chose the “great Western name” Hayes after a cowboy character in a Western film he will soon produce. Hecklerspray readers may recall that in May 2007, Costner named his fifth child, Cayden Wyatt Costner with the middle name clearly referring to his 1994 movie Wyatt Earp.

Gripping stuff for sure, and even more so, considering Costner’s Native American ancestry. One might be forgiven for pondering how Kev’s odd obsession with cowpokes and tumbleweeds would sit with his paternal grandfather who was half Cherokee.

But let’s not go there. Kevin Costner, we thank you for your selfless dedication to preserving an American tradition—that of vacuous, self-absorbed celebrities congratulating themselves for dreaming up pointless baby names.

As to rumours that the Costner clan has its sights set on lassoing yet another lil’ buckaroo, all we can say is Judge Gabby Slim “Hoot” Costner: the world awaits you.

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The pressures of being a celebrity are enormous—we understand that. Take Christian Bale for instance.

How can any thespian be expected to respond in a reasonable way when faced with the choking, all-consuming pressure that comes from having to play characters that either dress up as bats or battle evil futuristic robots?

Christ, it’s pressure like that that makes a guy want to:

a) wear a diving bell

b) allegedly assault his own mother, or

c) go absolutely apeshit over a DP’s unacceptable, um, walking.

That’s why, having now heard the infamous rant in which Bale reamed out Terminator Salvation’s Director of Photography Shane Hurlbut for walking into the shot, we all need to first pause and reflect on the truly horrible conditions that Christian Bale has to suffer through every stinking day of his life. That poor, poor bastard.

That understood, we do admit that the on-set blow up aimed at Hurlbut was indeed regrettable, and now it seems Christian Bale thinks so too. Taking to the airwaves on L.A.’s KROQ on Feb. 7, Bale apologised for his behaviour:

“The thing that disturbs me so much is that I’ve heard a lot of people saying that I seem to think that I’m better than anyone else. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I’m a lucky SOB. I never forget that and that is why I put so much into what I do I was out of order beyond belief. I was way out of order. I acted like a punk. I regret that. And there is nobody that has heard that tape that is hit harder by it than me.”

Christian Bale, you complete us.

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