Amanda Bynes Is Too Batshit for Regular Court

amanda bynes looking crazy as usualOriginally set to be tried by Judge Judy, Amanda Bynes’ drunk driving case is being moved to the mental health court, either because she is actually too nuts to “understand the nature of the legal proceedings” or has been pretending to be nuts well enough for her lawyer to use it as her defense.

I don’t know if I buy it though. She seems more dumb than crazy (who throws a vase out a 36th floor window?), so maybe she’s just been putting on a show at the behest of her lawyer, whose line of thinking is probably, “No one will believe any one person can be stupid! We’ll play the crazy card.”

8 Brilliant Observations About The Funny But Doomed Hollywood Game Night

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If you haven’t watched Hollywood Game Night yet, catch it while you can. After watching the first three episodes, I like the show, but it’s clearly doomed unless they make some big-time changes. Lucky for the producers, I have some ideas.

The show itself was inspired by actual game nights hosted by Just Jack from Will & Grace. At those parties, tons of famous people would hang out, play games, drink heavily, and probably end the night in a huge orgy … as most game nights do in my experience of them. (Which is nil, by the way.)

Aubrey Plaza’s New Movie (In Which She Masturbates And Ponders Rim Jobs) Looks Great

aubrey-plaza Weird and awkward is Aubrey Plaza’s thing. Sometimes it’s brilliant and sometimes it fails miserably, but in her new movie “The To-Do List,” it works like a fucking house on fire.

Aubrey stars as a virginal high school valedictorian named Brandy who is told by her helpful big sister (played by Rachel Bilson) to expect her freshman year of college to be “one big sexual pop quiz … [with] penises everywhere.” And thus begins Brandy’s summertime quest to learn the basics of gettin’ down.

She approaches her sexual mission by creating an orderly and ambitious list of carnal acts that she intends to perform/experience, which includes but is not limited to: hickies, pearl necklace (which she thinks “sounds elegant”), hand job, blow job, rim job, shocker, and tea bag (“probably British”).

Tacky-Ass Jenny McCarthy Injects Some Needed Sex Appeal Into “The View”

jenny-mccarthy To quote the incomparable Andy Cohen: “Big Mazel to the great @JennyMcCarthy! #theView is abt to get #cray.” And it’s true. America’s treasure, that demure little flower, Jenny McCarthy, will be joining the cast of The View, thereby sealing its position as the most unwatchable show on television.

As all diligent hausfraus know, the cast of The View has experienced a real shake-up lately. The insufferable Elisabeth Hasselbeck finally left to spout her narrow-minded bullshit elsewhere, Joy Behar is leaving later this summer, and Babs has just one year left. But instead of rolling with it, letting that bitch-fest dwindle down organically, maybe letting Whoopi and Sherri fight it out, the producers are tampering with nature and replacing the empty spots.

Jimmy Kimmel’s Wedding Was Probably Way More Fun Than Halle Berry’s

Jimmy-Kimmel-Molly-McNearneyTwo famous couples got married over the weekend: Halle Berry and Olivier Martinez, and Jimmy Kimmel and Molly McNearney. Both were undoubtedly wonderful events, romantic, moving, blah blah blah … but based on available reports, one sounds a hell of a lot more fun than the other. Let’s compare.

First, Halle’s pregnant. That means no champagne, but lots of swollen everything. Not ideal for a party. First point goes to Team Jimmy/Molly.

John C. Reilly Actually Talented Enough to Be a Folk Singer

john-c-reilly-1John C. Reilly is making a go of a music career and that’s not necessarily a good thing. Even when they’re decent, actors-turned-musicians generally manage to embarrass themselves … with the exceptions of Jared Leto and Johnny Depp … and it’s strangely off-putting when they even try.

And I want everything to work for John C. because I love him. He’s funny, a good actor, always pleasant and unpretentious in interviews. He’s tall, he seems kind, and he won my heart completely when he played the future Mike D in the Beastie Boys “Make Some Noise” video. And, yes, he’s goofy-looking, but that’s OK. If he wasn’t married, then who knows?

Hot But Safe Robot Sex With Daft Punk Condoms

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Not content with just fancy action figures in their likeness, Daft Punk has partnered with condom-maker, Durex, to produce shiny, metallic-flavored rubbers that play selected arrangements from the Tron: Legacy soundtrack when you ejaculate. Like Tooth Tunes for the sexually active.

Actually, that’s not true. They’re just regular old condoms, but the packets feature the cover artwork from their irritatingly catchy single “Get Lucky.” And while the phrase “get lucky” has a quaint, 1950’s schoolboy-copping-a-feel charm to it, I think a better choice would have been to name the condoms after their 2007 single “Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger.”

Top 10 Most Absurd Celebrity Crap Sold For Ridiculous Amounts of Money

mick-jaggerMick Jagger’s hair clippings were sold at auction last week for $6,000. Now, you have to wonder about a person who will spend thousands of dollars for a celebrity’s hair clippings. Mick is a legend, obviously, and I love him as much as anyone, but I wouldn’t pay $6 for his nasty split ends, much less $6,000. And what about $100,000 for a half-eaten piece of toast? It’s pretty fucking troubling.

Of course, there are varying degrees of consumer perversity involved. Some of the auctioned items on this particular list were willingly provided by the celebrities and the proceeds given to charities. And that’s nice, it really is, but it doesn’t answer the question of what kind of fucking weirdo wants Scarlett Johansson’s boogery tissue? Even if you got it for free, why would you want it? She’s lovely, yes, but snot is snot and it’s all gross, no matter how lovely the nose from which it was ejected.

Goonies Mini-Reunion Outshines Corey Feldman’s New Music Vid

corey_feldmanLured by a potent combo of residual childhood affection, a twisted masochist instinct, and, most importantly, the promise of a Goonies mini-reunion, I found myself watching MTV’s premiere of the music video for Corey Feldman’s new song.

Yes, Corey Feldman. While it wasn’t quite as terrible as I expected it to be, the video was pretty fucking bad … like an overly-staged episode of “Cribs” on fast forward. The song itself, called “Ascension Millennium,” was way synthesized. And The Goonies bit was too short.

It’s hard for me to criticize a Corey, so let’s start with the best part of the video: a very brief cameo by Corey’s Goonies co-star, Sean Astin. Before Sean was Samwise, he was Mikey, my asthmatic, treasure-seeking boyfriend.

Dumb and Dumber: Pharrell and Will.i.am Argue Over Silly Grammar

PharrellSo Pharrell and will.i.am are in a bit of a trademark dispute over who owns the rights to the phrase “I am.” Let me just repeat that, in case the abject absurdity threw you off.

Will.i.am literally has a trademark on the phrase “I am.” Pharrell wants to say that he is something. Will’s panties are in a knot over it. Pharrell is suing Will. Hopefully on the grounds that Will could not be a bigger pompous asshole for presuming to trademark the most basic first person singular phrase in the entire goddamn English language.