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Matthew Laidlow

Look! It’s Wilma Flintstone Doing A Naughty Word!

by Matthew Laidlow

Wilma Flintsone bollocks

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Lily Allen To Save Us All From Knife Crime

by Matthew Laidlow

Sun is in the sky oh why oh why would I wanna be anywhere else? Sun is in the sky oh why oh why, would I wanna be anywhere else?

These are just some of the lyrics that pop starlet Lily Allen wrote about London town, even though London is a city. But never mind her poor geography knowledge for now; we’ve got bigger problems to concentrate on.

As we’ve all seen in the newspapers, knife crime is currently depressing everyone in the UK and making pensioners believe all the yoof of today will stab them, so thank god that Lily Allen has oddly stepped in to save us all from being stabbed by an eight-year-old for a packet of sherbet. There is a god. And she seems to have three nipples.

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MySpace Trawl – Vienna Vegetable Orchestra

by Matthew Laidlow

OK, don’t sue us under the trade description act. We can’t find a MySpace for this band. However, they are so good that we have to give you their website address. This lot make music out of vegetables! Bloody vegetables!

Made up of eleven people and a couple of visual artists and sound engineers, the Vienna Vegetable Orchestra have been wowing people around the world for over a decade with one of the stranger ways of creating sounds.

We always thought vegetables were there for being eaten or for a desperate housewife to relieve herself with. We’ll never look at a lettuce, pumpkin or onion again without wanting to make a funky number out of it.

[More...] If that’s not good enough, for the encore of a gig, the band smash up their instruments and make soup out of it for everyone! Fuck rock n roll with all your boozy antics. Vegetable rock should be the way forward for everyone!

Honestly, the Vienna Vegetable Orchestra is the best thing to come out of Austria since Arnold Schwarzenegger – and even that is clutching at straws.

For more audio sound bites to prove we aren’t taking the piss, visit:

Vienna Vegetable Orchestra

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Sex And The City Sequel Depressingly Confirmed

by Matthew Laidlow

When we heard that four bloodsucking zombie-like creatures were going to be involved in a film revolving around seducing men, you could say we were vaguely interested.

At first we assumed it would be a modern day version of the classic Greek myth about Medusa and her ability to turn anyone into stone. Making it all postmodern and setting in New York meant a whole host of terror could be inflicted on a city that King Kong and the Cloverfield monster had both already ravaged.

But we got the wrong end of the stick and were in for a shock when we discovered what the film was about. The wicked witches of New York – otherwise known as Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda from Sex And The City – had somehow slithered on to the big screen to torture cinemagoers everywhere. And, after just getting over this initial shitfest, our blood pressure has soared again – we’ve learnt that a sequel has just been commissioned.

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Jay-Z Eats Beyoncé’s Boobies

by Matthew Laidlow

Aww, a newlywed couple, isn’t it a wholesome sight to see?

They say love will last forever between couples who are destined to be soulmates, or in the case of many UK women, until a footballer’s money runs out. Jay-Z and Beyoncé have a problem based on their career choice of being musicians. Whilst they’re not locked away in a studio, they are off around the globe touring at various gigs and festivals.

It appears that poor Jay-Z has missed his darling wife too much and turned in to a love struck puppy. At a recent gig in Nigeria, he asked on his rider for a melon to be split in half and transformed in to a replica of his wife’s boobies. We just have one question. Are Beyoncé’s boobs green, sweet and edible?

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Megan Fox Wants To Get All Naked!

by Matthew Laidlow

Some people say that the film industry is churning out the same boring stuff week after week.

If it’s not another re-make, adaptation, based on a book or a sequel then it’s amazing to see something off any original merit reaching the big screen.

Transformer Megan Fox is sick of this and is making a one women stance against the generic films being exported out of various film studios. She wants to take things back to the old school and revisit the industry in the 1930s. You may think she wants to don a Charlie Chaplin style moustache and partake in silent films, but you’d be wrong. Instead she wants to do a film in the nude. All because she believes it was done “arty” back then.

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Jessica Alba Is Actually Satan

by Matthew Laidlow

We’re not ones for spreading malicious lies about people, but we have received word that someone living amongst us is demonic and pure evil.

Hecklerspray strongly recommends that you get down to your nearest jewellery shop and buy up all the crosses you can buy. Or if you don’t have much cash, go down to your nearest church and see what you can pick up.

You see, it could be the end of the world as we know it. For years, Christians have battled against evil and told us that one day Satan will rise up to do battle with us all. This has finally happened as Jessica Alba has unmasked herself as the evil lord of the underworld. And she’s a girl, who’d have thought that? So repent now people! Or just give Jessica a biscuit. That’d probably do it as well.

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Amy Winehouse Might Die Of The Lurgy Or Something

by Matthew Laidlow

As a 24-year-old, you’d be expected to be at the peak of your physical fitness.

Granted, the occasional boozy day and sly ciggie may do a little bit of harm to you, but so what? Unless you’re a Buddhist, you only live once, so take it all in your stride. If something happens to your temple-like body, modern day medicine can usually extend your knackered life out till around 83.

However some people take exception to this rule and pretty much disintegrate before our very eyes. Amy Winehouse used to be a healthy fit women whose only ghastly features were the tattoos that made her look like some sort of burly transvestite sailor. Heavy drinking and smoking have alarmingly made her thinner, sicker and a bit more violent. Oh, and there’s the drugs. You can’t forget about the drugs. Anyway, all of this combined might be about to kill her, her Dad says. Who’d have guessed?

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MySpace Trawl – Modern Institute

by Matthew Laidlow

After doing this feature for God knows how long, it’s just dawned upon us that we don’t have a witty opening tag to use every week.

You know how Q Magazine’s motto is ‘use crusty bands on the cover that are popular and will shift a few copies’. The NME’s words of wisdom are ‘recycle the same twenty bands every week and make up new genres like “post vacuum glam” to make us look hip and trendy’.

So after thinking long and hard we’ve come up with this drawn-out introductory paragraph. “Each week we try and bring you something a little bit different and isn’t necessarily going to make you the coolest kid in school. Here’s something that we think sounds ace, but hasn’t quite got the power to make A&R men wank out millions of pounds to whore it out on TV & Radio”. On second thoughts, that sounds really shit, so we’ll not bother. Here’s something much better, Modern Institute.

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Kerry Katona To Open Caravan Theme Park. Pikeys Not Included.

by Matthew Laidlow

Are you a parent and wondering what do to entertain your children this summer?

You could be like everyone else and do the same activities. Trips out to the overpriced cinema, fattening up your children at McDonald’s or even a day trip to the countryside to step in fox shit and get stung by stinging nettles.

One of the more popular things to do is visit a theme park. Alton Towers, Lightwater Valley and Thorpe Park are just some of the many attractions offering white knuckle rides to thrill seekers. Only problem is that these places are always full, and two hours queuing for a four-minute ride doesn’t really seem worth it. But fear not mummy or daddy, this year your youngsters will be pestering you to go to newest theme park that set to open: Katona Land.

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