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Matthew Laidlow

Jessica Alba Is Actually Satan

by Matthew Laidlow

We’re not ones for spreading malicious lies about people, but we have received word that someone living amongst us is demonic and pure evil.

Hecklerspray strongly recommends that you get down to your nearest jewellery shop and buy up all the crosses you can buy. Or if you don’t have much cash, go down to your nearest church and see what you can pick up.

You see, it could be the end of the world as we know it. For years, Christians have battled against evil and told us that one day Satan will rise up to do battle with us all. This has finally happened as Jessica Alba has unmasked herself as the evil lord of the underworld. And she’s a girl, who’d have thought that? So repent now people! Or just give Jessica a biscuit. That’d probably do it as well.

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Amy Winehouse Might Die Of The Lurgy Or Something

by Matthew Laidlow

As a 24-year-old, you’d be expected to be at the peak of your physical fitness.

Granted, the occasional boozy day and sly ciggie may do a little bit of harm to you, but so what? Unless you’re a Buddhist, you only live once, so take it all in your stride. If something happens to your temple-like body, modern day medicine can usually extend your knackered life out till around 83.

However some people take exception to this rule and pretty much disintegrate before our very eyes. Amy Winehouse used to be a healthy fit women whose only ghastly features were the tattoos that made her look like some sort of burly transvestite sailor. Heavy drinking and smoking have alarmingly made her thinner, sicker and a bit more violent. Oh, and there’s the drugs. You can’t forget about the drugs. Anyway, all of this combined might be about to kill her, her Dad says. Who’d have guessed?

As a 24-year-old, you’d be expected to be at the peak of your physical fitness. Granted, the occasional boozy day and sly ciggie may do a little bit of harm to you, but so what? Unless you’re a Buddhist, you only live once, so take it all in your stride. If something happens to your temple-like body, modern day medicine can usually extend your knackered life out till around 83. However some people take exception to this rule and pretty much disintegrate before our very eyes. Amy Winehouse used to be a healthy fit women whose only ghastly features were the tattoos that made her look like some sort of burly transvestite sailor. Heavy drinking and smoking have alarmingly made her thinner, sicker and a bit more violent. Oh, and there’s the drugs. You can’t forget about the drugs. Anyway, all of this combined might be about to kill her, her Dad says. Who'd have guessed?
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MySpace Trawl – Modern Institute

by Matthew Laidlow

After doing this feature for God knows how long, it’s just dawned upon us that we don’t have a witty opening tag to use every week.

You know how Q Magazine’s motto is ‘use crusty bands on the cover that are popular and will shift a few copies’. The NME’s words of wisdom are ‘recycle the same twenty bands every week and make up new genres like “post vacuum glam” to make us look hip and trendy’.

So after thinking long and hard we’ve come up with this drawn-out introductory paragraph. “Each week we try and bring you something a little bit different and isn’t necessarily going to make you the coolest kid in school. Here’s something that we think sounds ace, but hasn’t quite got the power to make A&R men wank out millions of pounds to whore it out on TV & Radio”. On second thoughts, that sounds really shit, so we’ll not bother. Here’s something much better, Modern Institute.

After doing this feature for God knows how long, it’s just dawned upon us that we don’t have a witty opening tag to use every week. You know how Q Magazine's motto is 'use crusty bands on the cover that are popular and will shift a few copies'. The NME’s words of wisdom are 'recycle the same twenty bands every week and make up new genres like “post vacuum glam” to make us look hip and trendy'. So after thinking long and hard we’ve come up with this drawn-out introductory paragraph. “Each week we try and bring you something a little bit different and isn’t necessarily going to make you the coolest kid in school. Here’s something that we think sounds ace, but hasn’t quite got the power to make A&R men wank out millions of pounds to whore it out on TV & Radio". On second thoughts, that sounds really shit, so we’ll not bother. Here’s something much better, Modern Institute.
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Kerry Katona To Open Caravan Theme Park. Pikeys Not Included.

by Matthew Laidlow

Are you a parent and wondering what do to entertain your children this summer?

You could be like everyone else and do the same activities. Trips out to the overpriced cinema, fattening up your children at McDonald’s or even a day trip to the countryside to step in fox shit and get stung by stinging nettles.

One of the more popular things to do is visit a theme park. Alton Towers, Lightwater Valley and Thorpe Park are just some of the many attractions offering white knuckle rides to thrill seekers. Only problem is that these places are always full, and two hours queuing for a four-minute ride doesn’t really seem worth it. But fear not mummy or daddy, this year your youngsters will be pestering you to go to newest theme park that set to open: Katona Land.

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America Rolls Out The Talented Big Guns

by Matthew Laidlow

In the UK, to win any sort of talent show, you need a gut-wrenching tale that will pull everyone’s heartstrings. Or if you’re Leon Jackson from X Factor, you should just burst into floods of tears every other minute to guarantee success. The first winner of Britain’s Got Talent – Paul Potts – overcame his [...]

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Heckler Festival Guide: T In The Park, 11th – 13th July

by Matthew Laidlow

It’s that time of the year again, when music lovers gather in a field to celebrate the thing they love: live music.

There are all sorts of festivals to cater for all sorts of musical tastes in all four corners of the world. The main ones kick off at this time of year and hecklerspray is here to tell you all you need to know about each festival, who the essential people are to see and which act to avoid so you can queue up for the overflowing poo-filledportaloos.

Donning our best ‘see you Jimmy’ hat and kilt, its time for T In The Park – Scotland’s best music festival. And in the eyes of some people this year, a better festival than Glastonbury!

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Download A New Mogwai Track Now!

by Matthew Laidlow

Hooray! Mogwai are back and they’ve brought their unique style of uplifting guitar music back with them.

The post rock outfit are one of the best in the genre, after Godspeed You! Black Emperor pretty much created the genre and Explosions In The Sky and Sigur Ros brought it to the masses.

People sometimes call Mogwai moody and depressing, but anyone who presses up a line of t-shirts saying ‘Blur: are shite’ are winners in our eyes. This free track, The Sun Smells Too Loud is taken from their new album The Hawk Is Howling and won’t hit the shelves until September 22. So use this song as a sampler for an album which will more than likely be another success.

Download the song here

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A Shot Of Love With Tila Tequila 3: A Tragic Possibility

by Matthew Laidlow

Everything has to be made bigger and better.

Take the humble dating show. Blind Date on ITV was a great way of laughing at creepy singletons. It was easy to see what they would be like based on answers to scripted questions such as “What do you like doing in your spare time?” Contestant One – Following women around and photographing them. Contestant Two – Stealing knickers off washing lines. Contestant Three – Worshipping Satan and drinking goat blood. Based on these responses, you could select a stalker stud and be whisked off to Torquay for a romantic canal trip.

Sadly this classic format died and was replaced with shows like Flavor Of Love 1, 2 and 3, I Love New York and, more recently, the terrible A Shot Of Love With Tila Tequila 1 and 2. And, judging by the godawful way that the latter ended, probably A Shot Of Love With Tila Tequila 3.

Everything has to be made bigger and better. Take the humble dating show. Blind Date on ITV was a great way of laughing at creepy singletons. It was easy to see what they would be like based on answers to scripted questions such as “What do you like doing in your spare time?” Contestant One – Following women around and photographing them. Contestant Two – Stealing knickers off washing lines. Contestant Three – Worshipping Satan and drinking goat blood. Based on these responses, you could select a stalker stud and be whisked off to Torquay for a romantic canal trip. Sadly this classic format died and was replaced with shows like Flavor Of Love 1, 2 and 3, I Love New York and, more recently, the terrible A Shot Of Love With Tila Tequila 1 and 2. And, judging by the godawful way that the latter ended, probably A Shot Of Love With Tila Tequila 3.
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Pete Wentz Used To Have A Gay Old Time

by Matthew Laidlow

If you’ve ever been to a wedding, or seen one on the TV, or in a film, or read about them, or just, well, know anything about them at all, you’ll know that before the happy couple can be officially married the priest will say: “If anyone knows reasons why these two can’t be wed, [...]

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Myspace Trawl – Rivulets

by Matthew Laidlow

Apparently, the most recognised instrument in modern day music is the guitar. Anyone can pick it up and have a strum, though most people produce better sounds then the ones we belt out. But never mind, we aren’t overly jealous and we’re quite content with our homemade tambourine. Some people also say that the human [...]

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