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Matthew Laidlow

Myspace Trawl- Khonnor

by Matthew Laidlow

It’s crap getting older; you can’t do much, going to the toilet seems to get harder and, worst of all, little kids abuse you in the street.

Well they do if you don’t meet their demands of fetching them super strength cider and the occasional packet of Benson & Hedges. Talking of our cherished youngsters, we are apparently meant to respect them because they’re the future of tomorrow.

Granted, that statement is true to an extent – you won’t see a pensioner dishing out chips in a café or cleaning pigeon shit off the roads. Those jobs are for kids with their energy and eagerness. However, it’s not always great to praise everything the younger generation do. Especially when they’re ridiculously better at it then you. Khonnor is only 18-20 but he’s already crafted albums and EPs of electronic beauty. The rascal.

It’s crap getting older; you can’t do much, going to the toilet seems to get harder and, worst of all, little kids abuse you in the street. Well they do if you don’t meet their demands of fetching them super strength cider and the occasional packet of Benson & Hedges. Talking of our cherished youngsters, we are apparently meant to respect them because they're the future of tomorrow. Granted, that statement is true to an extent - you won’t see a pensioner dishing out chips in a café or cleaning pigeon shit off the roads. Those jobs are for kids with their energy and eagerness. However, it’s not always great to praise everything the younger generation do. Especially when they're ridiculously better at it then you. Khonnor is only 18-20 but he's already crafted albums and EPs of electronic beauty. The rascal.
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All Crying, Self-Harming Emo Children To Be Banned In Mother Russia

by Matthew Laidlow

Being a child is really annoying isn’t it? You’re not quite old enough to go out and enter the big wide world.

Instead, mummy still plops you in the shopping trolley at Asda, gives you a bib at feeding time and still tucks you in at night to make sure the monsters don’t attack you.

However, when you reach the age of thirteen/fourteen something magically happens! Young girls and boys develop a mini sense of direction. Granted, they’re only copying what they see on the TV and need their parents to buy all the essential clobber for them, but they are independent, cool and part of a movement. Over the years the most popular fad has been Emo. Dressing in black and looking like a box of pins has exploded in their faces, they’ve worried councillors, coffin-dodgers and corner shop owners. It’s not just the UK that has this problem, it’s Russia too and, in a strange move, the country wants to ban Emo culture.

Being a child is really annoying isn’t it? You’re not quite old enough to go out and enter the big wide world. Instead, mummy still plops you in the shopping trolley at Asda, gives you a bib at feeding time and still tucks you in at night to make sure the monsters don’t attack you. However, when you reach the age of thirteen/fourteen something magically happens! Young girls and boys develop a mini sense of direction. Granted, they're only copying what they see on the TV and need their parents to buy all the essential clobber for them, but they are independent, cool and part of a movement. Over the years the most popular fad has been Emo. Dressing in black and looking like a box of pins has exploded in their faces, they’ve worried councillors, coffin-dodgers and corner shop owners. It’s not just the UK that has this problem, it's Russia too and, in a strange move, the country wants to ban Emo culture.
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It’s Mercury Prize Time Again!

by Matthew Laidlow

Hooray! The Mercury Prize is waking from its sleepy hibernation to once again throw up a selection of albums to confuse everyone with.

Typically, there are a few nominees that everyone thinks will win because they’re popular and, of course, there are the albums that no-one has ever heard of before.

But this also means you can boost your own street cred and boast to people “Yeah, I had that album wayyyyyyy before it was swallowed up by the mass music-buying masses.”

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Lee Ryan Out The Running For Father Of The Year

by Matthew Laidlow

For ages, hecklerspray believed that the most intimate act a married couple could engage in was the exchange of saliva when ramming their tongues down each others throats. However, we were proven wrong when we were told that a couple can prove their love for each other by ‘creating a baby’. This literally knocked us [...]

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Look! It’s Wilma Flintstone Doing A Naughty Word!

by Matthew Laidlow

Wilma Flintsone bollocks

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Lily Allen To Save Us All From Knife Crime

by Matthew Laidlow

Sun is in the sky oh why oh why would I wanna be anywhere else? Sun is in the sky oh why oh why, would I wanna be anywhere else?

These are just some of the lyrics that pop starlet Lily Allen wrote about London town, even though London is a city. But never mind her poor geography knowledge for now; we’ve got bigger problems to concentrate on.

As we’ve all seen in the newspapers, knife crime is currently depressing everyone in the UK and making pensioners believe all the yoof of today will stab them, so thank god that Lily Allen has oddly stepped in to save us all from being stabbed by an eight-year-old for a packet of sherbet. There is a god. And she seems to have three nipples.

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MySpace Trawl – Vienna Vegetable Orchestra

by Matthew Laidlow

OK, don’t sue us under the trade description act. We can’t find a MySpace for this band. However, they are so good that we have to give you their website address. This lot make music out of vegetables! Bloody vegetables!

Made up of eleven people and a couple of visual artists and sound engineers, the Vienna Vegetable Orchestra have been wowing people around the world for over a decade with one of the stranger ways of creating sounds.

We always thought vegetables were there for being eaten or for a desperate housewife to relieve herself with. We’ll never look at a lettuce, pumpkin or onion again without wanting to make a funky number out of it.

[More...] If that’s not good enough, for the encore of a gig, the band smash up their instruments and make soup out of it for everyone! Fuck rock n roll with all your boozy antics. Vegetable rock should be the way forward for everyone!

Honestly, the Vienna Vegetable Orchestra is the best thing to come out of Austria since Arnold Schwarzenegger – and even that is clutching at straws.

For more audio sound bites to prove we aren’t taking the piss, visit:

Vienna Vegetable Orchestra

OK, don’t sue us under the trade description act. We can’t find a MySpace for this band. However, they are so good that we have to give you their website address. This lot make music out of vegetables! Bloody vegetables! Made up of eleven people and a couple of visual artists and sound engineers, the Vienna Vegetable Orchestra have been wowing people around the world for over a decade with one of the stranger ways of creating sounds. We always thought vegetables were there for being eaten or for a desperate housewife to relieve herself with. We’ll never look at a lettuce, pumpkin or onion again without wanting to make a funky number out of it. [More...] If that’s not good enough, for the encore of a gig, the band smash up their instruments and make soup out of it for everyone! Fuck rock n roll with all your boozy antics. Vegetable rock should be the way forward for everyone! Honestly, the Vienna Vegetable Orchestra is the best thing to come out of Austria since Arnold Schwarzenegger – and even that is clutching at straws. For more audio sound bites to prove we aren’t taking the piss, visit: Vienna Vegetable Orchestra
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Sex And The City Sequel Depressingly Confirmed

by Matthew Laidlow

When we heard that four bloodsucking zombie-like creatures were going to be involved in a film revolving around seducing men, you could say we were vaguely interested.

At first we assumed it would be a modern day version of the classic Greek myth about Medusa and her ability to turn anyone into stone. Making it all postmodern and setting in New York meant a whole host of terror could be inflicted on a city that King Kong and the Cloverfield monster had both already ravaged.

But we got the wrong end of the stick and were in for a shock when we discovered what the film was about. The wicked witches of New York – otherwise known as Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda from Sex And The City – had somehow slithered on to the big screen to torture cinemagoers everywhere. And, after just getting over this initial shitfest, our blood pressure has soared again – we’ve learnt that a sequel has just been commissioned.

When we heard that four bloodsucking zombie-like creatures were going to be involved in a film revolving around seducing men, you could say we were vaguely interested. At first we assumed it would be a modern day version of the classic Greek myth about Medusa and her ability to turn anyone into stone. Making it all postmodern and setting in New York meant a whole host of terror could be inflicted on a city that King Kong and the Cloverfield monster had both already ravaged. But we got the wrong end of the stick and were in for a shock when we discovered what the film was about. The wicked witches of New York - otherwise known as Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda from Sex And The City - had somehow slithered on to the big screen to torture cinemagoers everywhere. And, after just getting over this initial shitfest, our blood pressure has soared again - we’ve learnt that a sequel has just been commissioned.
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Jay-Z Eats Beyoncé’s Boobies

by Matthew Laidlow

Aww, a newlywed couple, isn’t it a wholesome sight to see?

They say love will last forever between couples who are destined to be soulmates, or in the case of many UK women, until a footballer’s money runs out. Jay-Z and Beyoncé have a problem based on their career choice of being musicians. Whilst they’re not locked away in a studio, they are off around the globe touring at various gigs and festivals.

It appears that poor Jay-Z has missed his darling wife too much and turned in to a love struck puppy. At a recent gig in Nigeria, he asked on his rider for a melon to be split in half and transformed in to a replica of his wife’s boobies. We just have one question. Are Beyoncé’s boobs green, sweet and edible?

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Megan Fox Wants To Get All Naked!

by Matthew Laidlow

Some people say that the film industry is churning out the same boring stuff week after week.

If it’s not another re-make, adaptation, based on a book or a sequel then it’s amazing to see something off any original merit reaching the big screen.

Transformer Megan Fox is sick of this and is making a one women stance against the generic films being exported out of various film studios. She wants to take things back to the old school and revisit the industry in the 1930s. You may think she wants to don a Charlie Chaplin style moustache and partake in silent films, but you’d be wrong. Instead she wants to do a film in the nude. All because she believes it was done “arty” back then.

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