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Matthew Laidlow

Myspace Trawl – Death By Panda

by Matthew Laidlow

We like it immensely when stuff is made simpler for us. Not because we’re lazy sods whose biggest daily challenge is picking up the remote off the floor, but because we like having things made easier for us. Wouldn’t it be ace if there were a device that did things when you thought it? Don’t [...]

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Badvertising: Confused.com

by Matthew Laidlow

We’re all for equality and making sure everyone is treated the same. Don’t believe us? Then ask Pablo, our Mexican cleaner. Every day for his services for removing coffee stains and rancid mustard from our desks, he receives a shiny coin or a slice of pie. People who have previously called us ‘cruel heartless bastards’ [...]

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Elmo Tries to Educate David Beckham

by Matthew Laidlow

“DO YOU KNOW THE WAY SESAME STREET?” barked the interrogators to the cold and quivering people at hecklerspray. After several hours of being abused and poked with spatulas we were finally let go, after the US Army finally realised we didn’t know how to get to Sesame Street. More then likely because it’s not real. [...]

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Petition Launched to Make Bono History

by Matthew Laidlow

During the propaganda videos issued to promote Live Aid 2: Twenty Years On From The First One, we were presented with lots of images with Bono. This imagery was extremely powerful. Starring himself and a whole host of people who appeared solely to boost their ‘caring profile’, Bono told us that ‘every time I and [...]

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CD Review: Trinitron Meets The Mars People – Mars People Meets The Trinitron

by Matthew Laidlow

Whenever an album from a band you’ve never heard of plops on to your desk, it always makes the first listen that extra bit special. Will it be raging punk, diced up electro or something totally different? Sometimes it’s that little bit harder to listen to a band when you already have high expectations of [...]

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Wayne Rooney Chosen to Give Bread a New Scummy Image

by Matthew Laidlow

If there’s proof that footballers will sell themselves out for any sort of product, we’ve found it. Part-time granny-lover and occasional striker for Manchester United and England, Wayne Rooney, has put pen to paper on a new £150,000 deal. Fortunately for Wayne, he’s not being paid to stay away from the finest pensioners that various [...]

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Myspace Trawl – Unicorn Kid

by Matthew Laidlow

Continuing our look at ridiculously young musicians we head oop north to Scotland. Nestled away in Leith, near Edinburgh, is a youngster who is probably awaiting the results of his GCSEs. Or some sort of equivalent, we’re not entirely sure what is taught over the border. Perhaps it’s basic hunting skills in case everything goes [...]

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God Tries to Destroy Big Brother America

by Matthew Laidlow

The most exciting event in Big Brother history has just happened. Unfortunately, the incident happened in America and not in the UK where so far the most exciting thing to do for viewers is count how many times Luke mentions the £100k cheque. We’re always told that things don’t go truly mental until the series [...]

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Amy Winehouse’s Mental Hospital Spaz Out Blamed On Ecstasy

by Matthew Laidlow

Yesterday brought the news that Amy Winehouse had decided to take a stroll to the hospital. It wasn’t because she finally realised she was slowly destroying her insides, it was simply down to having a crazy reaction to the medication slowly digesting in her stomach. Many people have placed bets on her dying before the [...]

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Katie Price Maintains Her Classy, Unblemished Image

by Matthew Laidlow

When Americans think of ‘classiness’, they pretty much think of Britain’s beloved Royal family. Granted they don’t actually do much apart from shoot peasants, laugh at the poor and eat huge slices of swan pie stuffed with £50 notes, but that doesn’t matter.

Sadly the illusion that the general British public speak like the Queen are usually shattered. Enter a typical London market place and instead of hearing “would you like some apples”, you’ll get “earrrrrrrrrrrrrr youuuuuuuu. Wanna buy sommmmmmme aaaaapples to gooooooo wiv da stairs?”

Tourists will also be shocked by the amount of people pissing in the street, vomiting into hats and having sex in cars. Just ask Katie Price and her schizophrenic alter-ego Jordan how it feels. It happened to her the other day with her plasticine lover Peter Andre.

When Americans think of 'classiness', they pretty much think of Britain’s beloved Royal family. Granted they don’t actually do much apart from shoot peasants, laugh at the poor and eat huge slices of swan pie stuffed with £50 notes, but that doesn’t matter. Sadly the illusion that the general British public speak like the Queen are usually shattered. Enter a typical London market place and instead of hearing “would you like some apples”, you’ll get “earrrrrrrrrrrrrr youuuuuuuu. Wanna buy sommmmmmme aaaaapples to gooooooo wiv da stairs?” Tourists will also be shocked by the amount of people pissing in the street, vomiting into hats and having sex in cars. Just ask Katie Price and her schizophrenic alter-ego Jordan how it feels. It happened to her the other day with her plasticine lover Peter Andre.
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