Modern society, we’re so advanced aren’t we? With our two-in-one shampoo and conditioner and trendy high street café’s selling luxury iced coffee! Really, we’ve never had it so good. But all of this pampering has left us soft as a nation.
Back in the days of the Vikings and Romans, heated disputes were usually sorted with a punch-up whilst a baying crowd watched until one opponent cried blood.
Now feuding people take to media to vent their rage. If you’re Elton John, an American TV show to talk about Madonna, specifically.
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When you’re in a position of note, it’s easy to get carried away and become an egotistical crack-shack. One need only look at Sting’s self-satisfied fizzog to see exactly what we mean.
Not everybody has it so easy once they’ve been elevated to a “status” – especially one they might not want. Who are we talking about? Why it’s none other than ol’ safe hands himself, ‘Sexy’ Dr. Conrad Murray. The man that, in the eyes of Michael Jackson fans, makes Harold Shipman look like a competent medical professional.
There’s a very good reason that whilst you’re reading this, Dr. Conrad Murray is being held in a prison somewhere. He was tried and convicted of manslaughter. Tsk tsk. Still, he’s looking forward to some time away from a depressing concrete cell. If he gets his way, you might be able to see him sooner rather than later!
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Americans have loads of stuff that’s essentially just for them, but occasionally seeps into the cultural mindset of others. Even though its just rounders for men, they call it the “world series” even though only American teams compete.
Then there’s the general extra injection of happiness and excitement that all Americans possess. Even going to the toilet to expel waste results in over enthusiastic whoops, screams and cheers, almost like they’ve passed a sparkly stool.
TV is, sometimes, America’s best export. But then again, this is the same nation that still churns out The Simpsons despite all its charm vanishing years ago. One giant success is Glee, even though it is essentially a TV version of High School Musical, but even more sweet and sickly. And the series is about to broadcast a tribute Michael Jackson episode. What could possibly go wrong?
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Why do people care about The Oscars? The winners get a lousy statue that resembles a gold-plated bottle of bubble bath with a screw top head. Hollywood has run out of ideas and has realised that the game is up, badly remaking Japanese films and adapting stupid books.
But Generation Yoof won’t care about classic cinema being revisited will they? They’ve got Skins back on their worthless TVs.
And, worse still, sixth form politicians and literature geeks will all be going weak at the knees as skag wuss and all-round pus-factory Pete Doherty looks to cash in with a documentary based on run of the mill indie act, The Libertines. We expect no highs, just lows.
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The year 2012, what exactly does it mean to you? For enthusiasts of time, calendars and dates, 2012 means a leap year! That’s right, it isn’t one of those run of the mill 365 day occasions. Instead, we get an extra day that normally doesn’t exist! Roll on February 29th!
And this year, thuggish England football fans will be getting excited as they prepare to jet off to Poland and the Ukraine to witness our lads (© The Sun) losing in Euro 2012.
But the mass global event we’re all thoroughly bored of hearing about is the 2012 Olympics. Like a school sports day on a grander scale, millions from around the world will get to see London make a complete mess of it. With the help of an all singing, all dancing and all wrinkled Paul McCartney.
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Only the mysterious hecklerspray phantom bothered reporting on the 69th annual Golden Globe ceremony that took place on Sunday evening. Of course, we were ready to take multiple notes on the ceremony and present you with a factual article about the winners, losers and which actress had slopped gravy down their dress.
However, broadcaster E! decided that viewers in the UK weren’t allowed to watch the actual ceremony. Instead of seeing Ricky Gervais offend Hollywood’s elite, viewers were instead treated to endless repeat of an advert featuring Kim Kardashian getting out a helicopter. If they couldn’t be bothered, then neither could we.
So, we still don’t know what happened at the Golden Globes. Nobody injured themselves from what we gather (shame), but following the ceremony, it looks like a bitchfest has kicked off between Mrs. Elton John and Mr. Madonna. A case of sour grapes after losing out in an awards category? Or a bout of jealousy because Madonna bagged herself the sparkly orphan that they both wanted?
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People have all sorts of warped ideas about what constitutes ‘sexy.’ Simply type a few random words into Google alongside the word ‘porn’ and you’re quite likely to find a result. Is anyone up for some hot and steamy ‘Pesticide Snorkelling Orgy’ action? Anyone? Okay…
Even we know that sordid fantasies are usually kept locked away in peoples’ sick imaginations. In reality, the common person needs something realistic to go weak at the knees over. For the majority of men, the briefest flash of a female boob will send their shrivelled members into arousal overdrive.
However, girls look for more than a gawp at the genitals of someone they fancy. Females from the comical Team Breezy gang seem slobber instantly when Chris Brown’s name is mentioned. Perhaps they all have a fetish for a domestic abuser. According to fellow rapper Fat Joe, Team Breezy couldn’t get enough of his fists at a recent video shoot.
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By now, you should be back in the office and have run out of hilarious Christmas anecdotes about racist comments made by elderly relatives at the table, or how a pet urinated over the turkey. Like everyone, over-consumption via endless cheese-boards, chocolates and booze made everyone that little bit chubbier than they’d like, come 2012. So how do we combat this?
Whilst some might try and physically try and cry out the fat, others resort to more realistic methods.
Look at any supermarket shelf and you’ll be able to pick up an exercise DVD featuring completely unqualified instructors. From TOWIE to Babestation, they can all allegedly help us tone our cellulite. If you think it’s just the public who buy into fat melting DVD’s, you’d be wrong. Even reality show/model/super-injunction celebrity Imogen Thomas uses them. However, she’s been criticised for wanting to do so.
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