Articles by Matthew Laidlow
Yee-haw kids, its reality pop star season, so what does that mean?
It means that anyone who’s got an ounce of talent in their blood is going to get ignored. Money-making mass-produced rubbish will take over and make us all believe it’s the best thing since the last reality show winner from the previous month.
So can we suggest someone to you? Take a listen to Chicago’s One Little Plane. With an album out last year, she has been pretty much unnoticed by everyone, but has enough support to carry her through. Produced by folktronica man Four Tet, these beautifully crafted…
Do you live in Kent? We don’t. Why? Well let’s put it this way, it doesn’t quite have the glamour of New York or the history of Rome.
All is boasts is a Primark and KFC – just like everywhere else. If only Kent could offer us something amazing. Something that we could only see in Kent. Something that people would travel for miles around to witness. Something wish-fulfilling.
What’s that? Some people in Edenbridge are burning a giant effigy of Jordan this weekend? Bingo.
When London was announced as the host city for the 2012 Olympics, many concerns immediately started swirling around our heads.
Chief of which was how ready the city would be. Frankly, we need to see a constructed swimming pool filled with water so the likes of Michael Phelps don’t have to race against each other in the sewage-infested River Thames. But that’s not all.
There’s also the question of whether Boris Johnston will set himself on fire or not. But mainly we’re worried about following China’s $100 million opening ceremony. How can we Brits compete? Chas n’ Dave have now split up, which ballsed…
This is so ghetto that the fierce rhymes and raw beats have physically hurt our stomachs. Mike D Chill wants our pussy every day and every night, he wants it because it’s so damn tight.
Well Mr Mike D Chill, the joke is on you. We don’t have female genitalia. The only penetrable organ we have is our bumhole. And even then you’ll have to navigate the overgrown layers of matted hair that are in the way. Damn.
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October’s rubbish. Not only do we have to piss around with our clocks to make our days darker, but it gets a lot colder.
But there is a plus to all of this – Halloween! Hooray for Halloween indeed because, unlike Christmas, it isn’t promoted to us three months before it takes place and we don’t have to have awkward family meals with aunts we’d rather not see.
Everyone benefits from Halloween. The kids get to pester neighbours and pick up tons of free sweets. Adults get to pointlessly dress up as ghosts, skeletons and zombies and get drunk at various…
Back in his heyday during the 1970’s, Gary Glitter pumped out shedloads of crap records.
But then again, it was the seventies and at the time no-one really knew what was acceptable and what was absolute toss, so we can forgive him.
However, what the majority of the world can’t forgive Gary Glitter for is his antics in Vietnam where he was convicted of doing horrible things to children and spent some time in prison. And now Channel 4 is going to hang him for being a paedophile. Fictitiously. Still, it’ll make better viewing than Big Brother.
What do Michael Jackson and STDs have in common? They are both annoying and won’t go away. No matter how much you itch, apply cream and shower. Oh, that might just be our crabs.
Genuinely, we thought Michael Jackson’s This Is It film would be the last from him. We’d get to laugh at the fake footage of him jumping from bridges, swinging from buildings and making fans believe he wasn’t drugged up and close to being in a coma. Now we’ve heard word that Michael Jackson is making a technical comeback with this year’s X Factor monkeys. All for charity of course.…
Everyone likes Will Smith. Christ, we can’t think of anyone who doesn’t love this not so fresh-faced rascal.
Since growing up, Will Smith has taken on a variety of film roles. In Men In Black he saved the world from aliens. Likewise, Independence Day saw him repeat the same heroic feat. Come to think of it, didn’t the same thing kind of happen in I Am Legend?
Taking a step back from this extra terrestrial creature stuff, Will wants to make an appearance on Eastenders. Quite likely to save Albert Square from Pat Butcher.
