Who?s ready for more Eastenders spoilers? Yay!

Lauren is still feeling the fringe benefits of her massive hairstyle, but feels guilty when she reads an old text from Whitney saying sorry. She tries to get through to her on the phone, but evil Janine has lied about where she is, pretending she is with ?real life shagger? Ryan ? will Lauren help rumble this evil at last?

Meanwhile, Vanessa and Jodie still haven't left the show, and are hanging around like they're characters anyone cares about. When Darren leaves Jodie holding his baby, she's none too pleased, and ends up passing it back to Heather. All in all, these characters could do with doing one of those sudden soap exits, where they've got a dream new job in the north (or Darwin, for Australian soaps) ? but have to leave tonight.

Aah, Valentine?s day. Love is in the air, except on Albert Square. This could be true of any time, but today, it's especially true.

Instead, we've got Ken doll Michael getting roughed up by Jack and suspected by all and sundry for a crime he didn't commit, but will he start to realise it doesn't all add up? He's not the brightest bulb in the pack, so let's hope the clues are clear.

But if you really want a soul crushingly storyline without hope, it's the ?lets laugh at the fat ugly single mum with no money? storyline ? Heather.

Eastenders is just going from strength to strength right now. OK, it isn't, but we need to start upbeat before we look at the week ahead and start to weep uncontrollably.

This week, prostitution looms large for poor naive Whitney. She and Janine (both in dodgy wigs) go out on a ?double date? with sleazy Gary and David, and it's only Ricky that stops Janine having a very unpleasant experience.

As for Whitney, she's not slept with her punter, but she has stolen his wallet. Very wise when he knows where you live…

Eastenders! Yes! It's still on! Hurrah! And this is what's about to happen. Remember Phil had a heart attack and went from red to grey and then asked Shirley to marry him? Well, she's going to say no, at least at first. But then surely, She'll see the error of her ways, the scared old crow. When Phil drops to one knee clutching a ring instead of his dodgy heart, she surely can't refuse?

But where does this leave Glenda? And what's going to happen with Ian? Yes, he saved his life, but he also arguably almost killed him in the first place. He must be feeling very nervous.

Elsewhere, it's all about the car lot. A tawdry portacabin with about 2 cars at the front hasn't set the local business world on fire of late ? but Max and Jack know that calling it ?Branning Brothers? and giving local dignitaries a plastic cup of cava is the way forward. But why hasn't anyone shown up to the party?

These are Eastenders spoilers which means, if you don’t want to know the results, look away now. Okay? Good?

What’s next for Eastenders then? Well, Carol and Whitney still aren't getting on. In fact, their feud is escalating. When Carol announces she's moving in, Whitney says she's moving out. And with Connor waking up, there's bound to be plenty more tears and tantrums.

we're also going to meet Connor?s mum ? what are the chances Carol will have a lesbian affair with her too? (You never know)

we're back in the square! And as ever, it's all going on.. and off! Connor and Carol are still having a tawdry old time this week and, would you Adam and Eve it? Carol?s only gone and fallen in bloody love with him! She's already accidentally called him ?Billie? leaving us to wonder if this could get any creepier? Meanwhile, Connor has again been back in Whitney?s arms, the dirty dog.

Watch out tonight, as Carol is finally forced to admit the truth to Bianca, who thinks Tiffany is being abused (as you do).

Poor Kat and Alfie are not getting along well. To be fair to Kat, she's not just grieving, she's realising she has the most annoying husband in the world, with the stupidest collection of shirts. Annoyed with her husband, Kat embarrasses him in front of Roxy and Christian at The Vic (how the hell do you embarrass Alfie?). Well, she reveals that Michael (that bloke out of This Life) has been listed as the father on Tommy’s birth certificate – despite the fact that Alfie had agreed to put his own name down.

Welcome back to Eastenders spoilers. we're sorry we've been away.? But you know how it is, you go away for five minutes and all hell breaks loose, as evidenced by the furore surrounding recent Easties storylines.

Shocking? outrageous? disgusting? all words that have been used to describe both Pat?s living room and Scott Maslen?s acting abilities.

But, all joking aside, it has been one of the more controversial chapters in Eastenders? history. But isn't that what Eastenders should be doing? Putting irregular cats among the fanciful pigeons? Arguably yes, but maybe this was a bridge too far.

Albert Square! we're back! Sorry we were away last week, but much like an Eastenders character, we suddenly had to leave at the drop of a hat to go abroad, but thankfully had thousands of pounds in the bank to fund it, despite demonstrably always being skint.

Anyway, life on the square is as crazy as ever, especially for Jane, Ian, Masood and Zainab, who are having a sitcom of a week, with misunderstandings (some sexual) on all sides.

Things are still bad between Jane and Ian (she hates him, he heard her tell virtual strangers she does), and it's not good for Zainab and Masood either (she's mental, he's spineless). So, naturally enough, Masood and Jane drive to a hotel and head to the bar, where they talk about their marriage problems and share a passionate kiss. They then go up to a hotel room and start to get intimate.