Most of the time it’s boring talking about sequels, mainly because everyone just grows a big beard and starts talking in long words about The Godfather Part Two or those awful French films about the big fat man and a well in the garden.

Look at you. Are those plimsolls? Actual plimsolls? Are they ironic plimsolls? Or just normal plimsolls?

Are you poor? Or just pretending? Think before you answer, because should they be anything but ironic, and society – cool society, where people like Pixie Geldof and Henry Holland live – will turn its back on you.

It’s a cruel, unforgiving place – society. It dictates that grown adults should peacock about town with their skinny jeans damn-near squashing their balls, and everyone actually seems to like Lady Ga Ga. And Lady Ga Ga is a total cretin, by the way. But they buy her singles…

Look at the picture. Really look at it, drink it in. Go on, keep looking.

Look at Bono singing his heart out, look at Chris Martin putting effort into his performance. Jesus, look at Gary Barlow, he’s brought along some water. And who’s that on the right? It’s Brandon Flowers. He’s a Mormon or something. Look at him. Keep looking at him. Now look at all of them. Keep looking. It’s amazing. Now look away. Now look back. Now away. And back. Away. Back. Away. Back. Away. Back. Away. Away. Ha! Gotcha!

Now be sick.