Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Hello Soap fans! Did you have a good weekend? Don’t answer that, we’re only being polite. We couldn’t care less how your weekend went, we’re only filling up some space before we launch into this week’s Soap Spoilers. ?
We’re heartless and selfish but this is why you want us in a dirty way. Don’t bother denying it, we’re still not listening.
Enough with all this small talk and shameless flirting, let’s find out what’s happening to people in Soapland who are clearly much better than you lot.
Hello maniacs. Yes, another week has dragged past and here we are again, drugged up to the eyeballs and ready to bring you news from Soapland before it actually happens, hopefully ruining your week before it even begins.
Last week we told you that Heather from Eastenders was going to die and this didn’t happen unfortunately, proving that our sources are either stinking liars or that the BBC decided to drag it out a bit longer. Either way, our ‘Burn in Hell Heather!’ street party on Friday was a tad premature. Still, we’ve kept the bunting for this week, when she is DEFINITELY going to meet the big magic fairy in the sky and we can start drinking again.
Let’s do this you miserable monkeys.
Hello Soap Fans! Have a good weekend? Did you spend hours licking that signed poster of Harold Bishop, while everyone else actually left their bedrooms and?socialised? Thought so, LOSERS!! Still, you’re our losers and we know how important this kak is to you, so let’s take a look at what’s happening in Soapland this week, you lonely, lonely people.
Eastenders first as usual, where Ben confesses to Ian that his statement to the police about Phil ?was a load of old crap but it’s OK because everyone hates Phil anyway and he’s doing the world a favour by keeping his screen time to a minimum.
After seeing that someone has kicked the smile right off Phil’s face in prison, Ian?decides to grass Ben up to that police woman Marsden who has never actually gathered a shred of evidence on her own. Ben gets arrested, thinks Heather has grassed him up and apparently has a ‘terrible fight’ with Heather, which we all know is code for ‘stabs her until she is dead.‘ ?This has been a long time coming and we cannot wait.
Last week ?hecklerspray writer Joanna Bolouri was in hospital having her final shred of dignity removed, and as no one else in the bedsit could be arsed was available to bring you news from Soapland, we just missed it out . ?We’d like to apologise for this oversight but we won’t – screw you.
Fear not, the spoilers return again this week giving you something to live for and?undoubtedly?brightening up your grotty, grotty little lives.
Ready to read something which will distract you from that porn site for at least 2 minutes? Excellent.
There are some stories, so mediocre and unexceptional that they make us wonder why we chose to continue living in a world that causes us so much pain on a daily basis. ?This is one of them.
Reality star and possible eater of souls, Kourtney Kardashian has revealed to the?uninterested?public that she’s having one of those babies which definitely doesn’t have a penis and which will one day be able to produce more?talentless?K Klan members. Or ‘ a girl’ if you like.
As there are already seventeen thousand women in the Kardashian family, there really is no need to burden the world with any more but selfish Kourtney seems to be happy about this and we don’t appear to have any say in the matter.
Last week was exciting wasn’t it? Did you all get Valentine’s gifts and do that sex thing with someone?attractive? ?Of course you didn’t, you were all too busy trying to survive another week on Earth, like a load of spotty, overweight extras in a JJ Abrams movie.
So well done for not getting eaten by dinosaurs and let’s rush on and see what terrible things await you this week. Even if death isn’t on the cards, it’s going to be brutal.
Trust us. We’re all kinds of spooky.
OH JOY! It’s time for some Soap Spoilers as we know you lot would freak out if we didn’t do this week after week. ?We love writing these however and none of us?secretly?wonder what our lives would have been like had we gone to university or taken Hugh Hefner up on that offer of marriage last year.
Nope. We’re good.
Ready to find out stuff about fake people??Excellent.
It would be stupid to expect you to wander through life without a little guidance. ?Life is tricky and you can’t be expected to work everything out for yourselves. Especially you at the back there, with the tears and snot-bubbles.
So once again, our Queen of the Runes, Jo Bolouri, looks at the stars to provide you with a cheat-sheet for the next week of your life, helping you to fulfill you.
Shall we see what the stars are saying you gullible, gullible shitcarriage?
Hello pea-brains! We missed you! That’s a lie but we like to make you feel wanted, even if it is for a split second.
It seems that despite awful, factual things happening in the world right now, some of you still care about those fictional people in Soapland who earn great big wads of cash for pretending their life is much grimmer that yours. That’s highly unlikely isn’t it?
So let’s take a look at all the depressing nonsense which awaits you this week.
This week hecklerscope has been tirelessly fiddling with the planets in order to bring you a completely accurate and not at all fictional account of what lies in store for you this week and all?because?in our own way, we love you.
You’re like the children we never wanted.
Ready to be dazzled and amazed? Well are you? You’d better be because reading the movements of celestial bodies is thirsty work (please send alcohol to numb this awful weight which we carry, okay?).
