Anyone remember how Torville and Dean got famous? Anyone? It’s that Bolero thing, right? Oh, and everyone knows about it? And is that because ITV keep ramming it down our throats every single Dancing on Ice finale even though it was nearly 30 years ago? Yes? Thought so.
And this year’s Dancing on Ice finale was no different. ITV didn’t even give us a chance to think it might be, because they opened the show with two creepy opera singers doing Bolero whilst Torville and Dean launched their middle-aged bodies around a televised ice-rink trying to recreate something that happened before hecklerspray was even born.
Still, it wasn’t all purple lycra and a desperate need to recreate the 80s. Although some of it was, like Jorgie’s showcase dance. She pranced around the ice to Fame, and did lots and lots of tricky lifts and had a load of professional skaters doing the same thing as her, but slightly better than she’d just done it. She scored 29 out of 30, which looked really good.
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This week it was semi-final time on Dancing on Ice, and for the first time ever the person with the top marks went straight through to the apparently-quite-important final. Sounds like they’ve come up with something new, doesn’t it? It’s that whole “first time ever” bit that does it.
But they actually haven’t, and instead of coming up with anything new they just brought back the ultimate skills test to work out who was best. So it was all a great big lie.
Which isn’t exactly surprising, since everyone in Dancing on Ice does seem to have the amoral worldview of the compulsive liar. Because that’s all everyone did all show long. Lie.
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Dancing on Ice may have spent the entire series trying to keep up with the rapid pace of reality TV but really we all know that it’s wonderfully behind the times. Which is presumably why they decided to do a Circus themed night, years after Britney and Take That briefly brought those arenas of freakery and animal cruelty back to everyone’s attention.
The excuse for being so woefully out-of-touch? It was props week, and obviously they couldn’t just give people a few props to skate with without trying to tie the whole thing together with an overarching theme. Even though that’s exactly what they’ve done every other year.
They needn’t have bothered though, because Louie Spence was determined to make the show all about him and his potentially incorrect opinions and supposedly shockingly low marks. Unfortunately for Louie, though, the rest of the celebs were determined to be equally shocking and appalling.
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ITV’s got a long, long history of completely misunderstanding the concept of “rock”. There’s something about distortion pedals that just smushes their collective brains and leaves everyone in the audience a little bit baffled. And this week on Dancing on Ice, they did it again.
In fairness to the ice-dwelling imbeciles though, it wasn’t quite the same level of misunderstanding that Tulisa demonstrated on last year’s X Factor. They may have all been weirdly subdued and kind of odd, but at least most of them managed to pick an actual rock song to skate to.
Most. But not all.
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This week on Dancing on Ice, the producers and judges got sick of pretending to be nice. Week after week, they have to try and find nice things to say about a bunch of useless celebs, and cover their hatred with comments about how they need “more speed over the ice.”
Well, this week that all ended, because this week it was the Ultimate Skills Test, where the celebs all had to include a jump, a spins and a step sequence in their routines. Not sound that testing? Well that would be because they weren’t done there.
Sure, the skills may have counted for more than half of the celebs’ marks, but the real test came in the Ultimate Skills Skate-Off where the celebs had to skate on their own. Which, as anyone who’s ever been dragged to a festive ice rink knows, is almost impossible. “Almost impossible” isn’t good enough for the dream-crushing producers though; no, they wanted to get the skate-off dwellers to perform a routine with 23 skills in it. And to have three of them doing it. And to boot two of them off.
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Honestly. Reality shows. You can spend weeks and weeks suffering through manipulated drama and hoping for something exciting to happen, and then everything happens at once. And on Valentine’s Week, of all the weeks.
It was meant to be romantic and charming, but no. This week Dancing on Ice was out to just disturb and horrify everyone who watched it. It even featured a bleeding celebrity and a panicked Philip Schofield.
But before we get to that, we need to talk about old BigFace Sugababe Heidi, and how she made us glad that her miserable little pop band exists. Which was a terrifying experience in itself.
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Another week, another loosely adhered to theme for Dancing on Ice. This week the theme was “Pop”, although really it should’ve been “Katarina Disagrees”. But that wouldn’t have fitted in so well with One Direction’s appearance, so pop it was.
Some teenage boys with suits and sideways hair weren’t going to stop Katarina, though. She has monumental cleavage AND Olympic medals. Nothing’s getting in her way.
Not even fellow Olympian Chemmy Alcott, who Katarina infamously called “big” a few weeks back, before begging her not to ever do any lifts ever again. Chemmy wasn’t having any of it though, and decided to do a handstand on her partner’s leg. Queen Katarina tried to pretend that she only wanted to keep Chemmy safe for the next Olympics. Nobody believed her.
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What springs to mind when somebody says “duel”? People flouncing about with swords, trying to kill each other? Yes? Well, forget about that. Because this week, Dancing on Ice brought us the least threatening duels of all time.
There were no swords. There was no serious injury. There were just two celebrities on the ice at the same time, skating one after the other, and wearing vaguely coordinated outfits.
And the prize for winning the duel? Did they get to use their skating blades to hack their rival’s costume to pieces? Or to inflict some dramatic but non-lethal wounds upon them? Or steal their partner? Or do anything? Anything at all?
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