Goodbye Ovaries: Gosling, Bale, and Fassbender to Star in the Same Movie

gosling bale fassbender terrence malick

Your eyes are not deceiving you. It’s true.  Ryan Gosling, Christian Bale, and Michael Fassbender are all set to star in a new Terrence Malick flick.

I haven’t seen Malick’s acclaimed film Tree of Life, but from the trailer I gathered that it was about a family and pretty light shining through trees. His new project doesn’t have a title yet, but it’s currently filming in Texas. It’s supposedly about intersecting love triangles or something, but the plot doesn’t matter. All that matters right now is that three of the hottest dudes in Hollywood are starring in this movie. That’s right, we’ve hit the stone cold fox trifecta; Ryan Gosling, Christian Bale, and Michael Fassbender …all rolled into one.

While you attempt to assimilate this information, I’m going to give a quick run-down of why having these three fellas in one movie is recipe for a disaster; A delicious delicious disaster.

John Cusack: The World’s Most Endearing Man

John Cusack I know what you’re thinking.You’re thinking John Cusack has fallen off the acting wagon. You’re thinking that he hasn’t been in anything noteworthy in over a decade. The Raven? Hot Tub Time Machine? What? (Confession: I haven’t seen either of these and they could very well be good, but whatever).

Or maybe you’re not thinking that at all. Maybe you’re thinking that he is the greatest actor in the history of ever. He can do no wrong. To that I might say, slow your roll. Let’s not get too crazy.

But, I think we can all agree that this man is endearing as hell. Just look at him. Look at his face. How can you look at that mug and not like this guy?

Top 20 Weirdest Celebrity Baby Names

weird celebrity baby names gwen stefani Celebrities have this thing where they have to one up each other in the baby naming department. Who can come up with the wackiest combination of words to form a name for their child? It’s like a game! So fun!  Publicity!

Now, I know that everyone has a right to name their youngins whatever they want. Who am I to judge? What makes me an expert?

I don’t have any good answers to those questions, but I do love to judge, so here’s a list of what I have deemed to be the strangest celeb baby names:

Tom Cruise is Really Just a Weird Nerdy Dude

tom cruise is weird What comes to mind when you hear the name “Tom Cruise?” Actor? Sure. Father? Maybe. Husband? Sometimes. Or more likely: Weirdo? Totally. Wacko? Oh, yeah. Dweeb? Definitely.

The Tom Cruise of the eighties and nineties is not the Tom Cruise of today. The Tom Cruise of the eighties and nineties was cool, calm, and collected. The Tom Cruise of today is someone you can probably picture living inside a cold, sterile, steel and concrete house. He sits around all day rocking back and forth while cackling at the stupidity of the human race. The only reason he leaves his house is to attend Scientology conventions or meetings or whatever the hell they have.

What has Tom Cruise become? Where is Ethan Hunt? Where is Pete “Maverick” Mitchell? Hell, where is that rock star he played in Rock of Ages?

Boring Lana Del Rey is Still Stuck in the 1960s

lana del rey priscilla presley look alike

Priscilla Presley is that you? Oh sorry, my bad, that’s just Lana Del Rey trying to be you. It’s 1967  in Lana’s mind and I guess if you’re going to choose anyone to emulate you might as well want to be someone Elvis chose to marry and then divorce. Right? Maybe?

But she isn’t even doing it in an interesting way. Is this woman even relevant anymore?  Who are we talking about again? I’m falling asleep just writing this sentence.

Fiona Apple is Still a Bad, Bad Girl in this Sad World

fiona apple mugshotI apologize for the obvious reference to her song ‘Criminal,’ but it’s true. It would appear that Fiona likes to smoke the hashish and she went and got herself caught. She joins the ranks of Willie Nelson and Snoop Dogg by getting arrested at a Border Patrol checkpoint in Sierra Blanca, Texas. Tsk tsk.

This arrest might actually be good for her. She recently released a new album, The Idler Wheel blah blah blah the title is seriously a paragraph long, and this could provide the little boost in popularity that she needs. She’s a bit of a recluse, so to say that she releases albums at a glacial pace would be an understatement.

Tom Hardy is the Manliest Man in the Universe

tom hardy lawless I recently saw the movie Lawless, where Tom Hardy plays this cardigan-wearing, grunting redneck that sells moonshine illegally. I know this description makes him sound less than extraordinary, but au contraire! I think I’m in love with this man and his manly manliness. 

What makes Tom Hardy the manliest manly man in the entire universe? Well, it’s a bit complicated. You see, a lot of layers make the man. Let’s take a journey and see what makes Tom Hardy so…hearty?

5 Reasons Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds Got Hitched

blake lively ryan reynolds

Blake and Ry swapped some secret vows a couple of weeks ago and the media’s all aflutter. Ooh private ceremony! Ooh Florence Welch sang at the reception! Ooh ooh ooh! Maybe I’m alone in thinking this, but is this not the weirdest couple? Something just doesn’t sit right with me and the idea that these two are now married. Alas, I am but an innocent bystander and know nothing of their love. Sigh. Yawn.

I got to thinking, why would these two decide to tie the knot, after only about a year of dating? Is there more to this affair than meets the eye? We’ve all got questions and I have the answers.

Shia LaBeouf is Sticking to ‘Method’ Acting From Now On

shia labeouf Yep, that’s right. LaBeouf’s done with studio films. He’s ready to shed his Sam Witwicky skin and focus all of his energy on becoming an indie darling, a la Sean Penn or Daniel Day-Lewis. His words, not mine. This newfound desire to become a strictly ‘method’ actor has got him doing all kinds of cah-ray-zy things, like drinking real moonshine, dropping real acid, and having lots of real sex. “There’s no room for being a visionary in the studio system,” he says. 

Wondering how Shia has managed to transform himself into this “visionary” he speaks of? Here’s how I think it went down.

Top 20 Hottest Cartoon Dudes of All Time

he-man with sword Maybe it feels a little odd to be  attracted to a cartoon character, but there are worse things to be attracted to, right? It’s okay to have these feelings. Let’s all just accept it, you guys. Group hug. It’s okay.

So the fellas get Jessica Rabbit and Jasmine and Catwoman, but that’s not to say that the ladies don’t get some pretty decent eye candy as well. In my opinion, there are way more than twenty sexy animated dudes out there in the cartoon-osphere, but I’ve managed to narrow it down.