Glastonbury Festival is imminent. You should know this because every single stinking update on Facebook is counting down to the non-event like some mud-clogged Doomsday Clock.

People from all over the world are bracing themselves for a weekend of squinting into pixelated screens three miles from the stage, dodging hugs from Earth Mothers and ducking lobbed cups full of dog puke.

Oh, and Status Quo are on.

WARNING: Popular contortionist and nutbag yodeller Shakira has gone feral and may have killed no or more men.

It’s true. Last week, two eyewitness videos appeared on YouTube showing the diminutive singer grievously attacking two men in New York City. Now literally fives of YouTubers across the globe have posted similar videos, in which many of the attackers don’t actually resemble Shakira in any way.

We can only conclude that Shakira is a shapeshifter and that you, reader, may be in danger even as you read this.

Full disclosure: we were completely sober when we watched Terminator: Salvation.

And yes, it very much is the most relevant summer movie of the year.

Why? The Terminator franchise has a history of being timely, a sort of dark mirror reflection of current society when each film was created. The first film has been described as a punk love story – perhaps the most apt description of the feeling of alienation and disenfranchisement many young people had in the early 1980s. The shadow of some future nuclear conflict wasn’t science fiction as much as it was everyday headlines, and the idea that a…

Before filming commenced, internet legend has it that Michael Bay challenged McG to a ‘dick measuring contest’ – equating to Terminator Salvation versus Transformers.

While it’s hard to tell who has the biggest dick from the movies alone, Bay wins on sheer balls – quite literally at one point. Revenge Of The Fallen is bigger, badder and stupider in every way than its predecessor.

Its a fantastic ride, but one that suffers from Bay’s trademark crash-bang editing, meaning you’ll remember the set pieces, but struggle to care about the plot.

The Hecklerspray office has been rocking today, thanks to a fantastic little device called the K-box, which transforms any flat surface into a speaker.

Yeah, you heard us. Floors and desks have never been so goddamned noisy before. It’s a sensation. Aimed at iPhones and similar portable music devices, the K-box will massively amplify the sound without needed a traditional speaker.

It’s genuinely a bit weird. You could theoretically turn a train carriage into a nightclub with this thing.

We’ve been getting all hot under the collar about the new Pixies box set, called Minotaur.

It’s being released on Monday and there is a very special party taking place in Shoreditch, London.

We’ve bagged a couple of tickets to give away… details below.

Professional movie director and sometime whore David Fincher has given humanity the gifts of Seven, Fight Club and keeping Jodie Foster locked in room for a long time.

Now with the launch of the new iPhone, his latest gift is a sharp new advert for the product that needs no advertising. Yes Fincher has directed himself a new iPhone advert – the product everybody has because it’s the best thing to ever happen to Earth, the universe and everything in it! – That’ll make the heartbreak of losing out on the Oscar less bitter Fincher.

Like a list of the 10 greatest rock songs of all time or the 10 best kebab shops in Islington, a list of the 10 best X-Files monsters is a subjective thing based on taste and memories and how much change happens to be in your pocket.

So while we must tip the hat to YesButNoButYes and their 10 Greatest X-Files Monsters, we must respectfully disagree with several of their choices and justifications and offer a different opinion.

That’s X-phile talk for ‘they’re wrong, we’re right, nya nya.’