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hecklerspray staff

Angelina Jolie Files To Adopt For The Trillionth-Billionth Time

by hecklerspray staff

Dang that Angelina Jolie. She’s always one-upping us with her do-good antics…

We make a record number of citizen’s arrests for public urination; Angelina Jolie becomes a UN Goodwill Ambassador. We take mashed potatoes and Matlock videotapes to the local old people’s hotel, or whatever it is; Angelina Jolie visits a wad of impoverished nations. Now, after we put 17 cents into the little plastic box at the checkout counter to help kids with the shakes, Angelina Jolie goes out and adopts another foreign kid.

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Just a Dash of Infectious Disease at Wolfgang Puck Catered Event

by hecklerspray staff

We’re so jealous of celebrities. They always have tons of people kissing their taught, tanned butts, and aren’t driven into seclusion by a mysterious, rank, highly-contagious foot fungus like we were.

They also get to go to rad parties with other ridiculously good-looking celebrities, and they always get tons of swag. You know the routine… bags stuffed with free iPods, cell phones, pimped out watches, hepatitis A…

Well, maybe we’re not coveting that last one as much as the other stuff, but hepatitis A is what Beyonce Knowles and other top celebs were exposed to at the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue party on Valentine’s Day. The lovely infestation was brought to the party by one of the employees of famous chef, Wolfgang Puck, who catered the whole thing. Come to think of it, we’ve had sketchy encounters with Puck’s cuisine in the past ourselves. We got one of his pre-wrapped sandwiches that they sell at airports, but the cooler it’d been in was broken so it was all warm with soggy lettuce and it was all mushy and stuff, and then we got all gassy and bloated during the flight, which made it hard to make friends with other passengers because apparently odours don’t dissipate well in an enclosed area. Of course, that happens with most of what we eat so who really knows.

We’re so jealous of celebrities. They always have tons of people kissing their taught, tanned butts, and aren’t driven into seclusion by a mysterious, rank, highly-contagious foot fungus like we were. They also get to go to rad parties with other ridiculously good-looking celebrities, and they always get tons of swag. You know the routine… bags stuffed with free iPods, cell phones, pimped out watches, hepatitis A… Well, maybe we’re not coveting that last one as much as the other stuff, but hepatitis A is what Beyonce Knowles and other top celebs were exposed to at the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue party on Valentine’s Day. The lovely infestation was brought to the party by one of the employees of famous chef, Wolfgang Puck, who catered the whole thing. Come to think of it, we’ve had sketchy encounters with Puck’s cuisine in the past ourselves. We got one of his pre-wrapped sandwiches that they sell at airports, but the cooler it'd been in was broken so it was all warm with soggy lettuce and it was all mushy and stuff, and then we got all gassy and bloated during the flight, which made it hard to make friends with other passengers because apparently odours don’t dissipate well in an enclosed area. Of course, that happens with most of what we eat so who really knows.
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Hugh Grant Bonds With An Adoring Fan… Literally

by hecklerspray staff

It was tough, but we did it. No, we haven’t finished our paper mache replica of David Hasselhoff – we can’t get the grin quite creepy enough – but rather, we heard a rumour that there was a bit of news out there that wasn’t about the flipping Oscars, Anna Nicole Smith’s rapidly decomposing carcass, or Britney Spears taking her bald self to rehab, so we courageously set out to find it. And find it we did. Is it quality news? Absolutely not, but it’s news nonetheless.

Word has it some obsessed (and we’re going to go out on a limb and add desperate, lonely and delusional) fan accosted Hugh Grant on the red carpet at the Dutch premiere of his latest, totally unpredictable film, Music and Lyrics. The woman mastered the death-defying security of the velvet rope, drew the Anduril sword majestically from its sheath and swiftly cut the ring of power from Hugh’s finger. Actually, she just jumped the rope and – like a loony – handcuffed herself to Hugh for a good ten minutes.

Sorry, we’ve been watching a lot of Lord of the Rings lately. We don’t get out much.

It was tough, but we did it. No, we haven’t finished our paper mache replica of David Hasselhoff – we can’t get the grin quite creepy enough - but rather, we heard a rumour that there was a bit of news out there that wasn’t about the flipping Oscars, Anna Nicole Smith’s rapidly decomposing carcass, or Britney Spears taking her bald self to rehab, so we courageously set out to find it. And find it we did. Is it quality news? Absolutely not, but it’s news nonetheless. Word has it some obsessed (and we’re going to go out on a limb and add desperate, lonely and delusional) fan accosted Hugh Grant on the red carpet at the Dutch premiere of his latest, totally unpredictable film, Music and Lyrics. The woman mastered the death-defying security of the velvet rope, drew the Anduril sword majestically from its sheath and swiftly cut the ring of power from Hugh’s finger. Actually, she just jumped the rope and - like a loony - handcuffed herself to Hugh for a good ten minutes. Sorry, we’ve been watching a lot of Lord of the Rings lately. We don’t get out much.
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Busta Rhymes: Woo-hah!! He’s Gonna Keep The Kids All In Check

by hecklerspray staff

Could rapper Busta Rhymes soon be spinning some mad skillz education to your kids? Looks like a frightening possibility. It’s been reported that instead of serving jail time, Busta’s been offered probation, which includes giving anti-violence talks to children for committing acts that can only be described as very pro-violence.

We know, we know… it’s hard to imagine a rapper in trouble with the law, but just what is it that Busta’s done? Oh, he just kicked one of his fans in the face and beat up his driver or something. But it’s not like he wasn’t provoked, or anything. The fan had spit on a car belonging to a member of Busta’s posse, and the driver says he was just trying to collect some back pay. What is it that the Golden Rule says? Beat the snot out of others as they do unto you. Wait, that doesn’t sound right. Anyway, moving on…

Could rapper Busta Rhymes soon be spinning some mad skillz education to your kids? Looks like a frightening possibility. It’s been reported that instead of serving jail time, Busta’s been offered probation, which includes giving anti-violence talks to children for committing acts that can only be described as very pro-violence. We know, we know… it’s hard to imagine a rapper in trouble with the law, but just what is it that Busta’s done? Oh, he just kicked one of his fans in the face and beat up his driver or something. But it’s not like he wasn’t provoked, or anything. The fan had spit on a car belonging to a member of Busta’s posse, and the driver says he was just trying to collect some back pay. What is it that the Golden Rule says? Beat the snot out of others as they do unto you. Wait, that doesn’t sound right. Anyway, moving on…
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David Gest Show To Air In UK, Other Nations Sympathetic

by hecklerspray staff

If you are one who is quick to become queasy, we implore you to read no further, because the terror that is about to strike the UK could claim the lives of any unlucky channel surfer that happens to land on the latest travesty to hit the small screen as the viewer attempts to purge his mind of the inevitably heinous images by gouging his eyes with a salad tong.

Ok, we might be being a tad dramatic here, but even though no one really cares about the happenings of David Gest even if they do know who he is, we just feel it’s our duty to warn you that he’s going to be on TV because he gives us the heebie jeebies. And so, clinging to the coat tails of fleeting fame of being ex-Mr. Liza Minnelli tighter than that liquid metal dude did with his metal hand hooks to the car bumper in Terminator 2, he’s making his own reality series to be aired in the UK.

If you are one who is quick to become queasy, we implore you to read no further, because the terror that is about to strike the UK could claim the lives of any unlucky channel surfer that happens to land on the latest travesty to hit the small screen as the viewer attempts to purge his mind of the inevitably heinous images by gouging his eyes with a salad tong. Ok, we might be being a tad dramatic here, but even though no one really cares about the happenings of David Gest even if they do know who he is, we just feel it’s our duty to warn you that he’s going to be on TV because he gives us the heebie jeebies. And so, clinging to the coat tails of fleeting fame of being ex-Mr. Liza Minnelli tighter than that liquid metal dude did with his metal hand hooks to the car bumper in Terminator 2, he’s making his own reality series to be aired in the UK.
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Al Gore Ready to Shake His Groove Thing for the Environment

by hecklerspray staff

Former US vice president Al Gore is a lover, not a fighter. He may not be the most successful, smartest, most charming, handsomest, strongest, most successful or best-smelling politician out there, but he is committed to that which he loves – planet earth.

In fact, Al Gore loves the earth so much that he’s promoting a series of concerts in which scads of musicians will come together to increase awareness about the perils of global warming. We think this may be the best idea Big Al’s had since we heard he invented the Internet and, thus, us.

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Russell Crowe Opts for G-Rated Rugby, Not G-Strings

by hecklerspray staff

Russell Crowe has made a revolutionary decision that defies the central motive of most forms of entertainment – he believes that women wearing almost nothing, jumping up and down and barely concealing their pom-poms are not appropriate for sporting events.

What?!?!? Yes, we were as shocked as you inevitably are. Russell Crowe, phone-chucking Oscar-winning actor and part-owner of the South Sydney Rabbitohs Rugby Club (what are Rabbitohs? Is that like Cheerios made of Rabbits?), has decided in conjunction with other team owners to relieve the club’s cheerleaders of their team-supporting duties. The cheerleaders – who often wear fishnet stockings and miniskirts bedazzled with tassells – may find their own form of support by way of a good sports bra.

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Will Oscar Snub Martin Scorsese for the Umpteenth Time?

by hecklerspray staff

Martin Scorsese and his eyebrows are likely to be reeling with excitement.

After winning the Directors Guild Award (for the love of all that is just and holy… how many award ceremonies are there?) for mob drama The Departed, people who have no part in the decision-making for the Academy Awards have sent the rumour wheel spinning by suggesting that Scorsese’s DGA-winning puts him in prime position to win the Academy Award. For once.

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Tara Conner: America’s Equal Opportunity Drug Advocate

by hecklerspray staff

Every impressionable young girl needs a role model, and Americans can be proud of the role model selected to represent their country. Miss USA Tara Conner has beauty, talent, intelligence, and apparently a penchant for every vice under the sun.

The latest item in this after school special in the making is Tara Conner’s confession to Matt Lauer on The Today Show that she used cocaine before entering rehab. Were this a game of Bad Beauty Queen Bingo, Tara Conner’s last admission of cocaine use would have given us a full house, and we’d have probably won a speedboat or something. So, Tara Conner, thank you for being such a shoddy role model that you won us a speedboat in an imaginary game of bingo that doesn’t exist. We owe you one.

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Publicist Implies Lindsay Lohan Isn’t Special

by hecklerspray staff

We all know the 12 steps addicts complete to achieve successful rehabilitation, but what is not widely know is the special (and obviously made up by us) 15 step program reserved for celebrities.

Lindsay Lohan has given us commoners a looksee at the extra steps reserved for superior beings: filming movies, shopping, and running errands. Supplemental steps of having a massage therapist and make-up artist come regularly to rehab may be practised at the patient’s discretion. Apparently, Lindsay likes to maximise her rehabilitation by doing these as well during her stay at the Wonderland rehab facility.

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