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hecklerspray staff

Pamela Anderson In Vegas Magic Show, But Still Hasn’t Disappeared

by hecklerspray staff

We’re having quite the internal struggle. Not the kind of lactose intolerant internal struggle we just now experienced after eating a carton of Cherry Garcia with a chocolate milk chaser, but an equally arduous internal struggle. We can’t decide who we love more, Pamela Anderson or David Hasselhoff.

On one hand you have Pamela Lee Rock Anderson, one of pop culture’s earliest and most successful examples of surgically-enhanced blonde bombshells becoming ridiculously famous without a smidge of respectable talent. On the other hand you have David “The (self-proclaimed) Hoff” Hasselhoff, a man who befriended a talking car and brought us the majesty that is an ageing man running on the beach while desperately holding in his gut. Actually, we’ve struggled with this quagmire for years, but the breaking news story about Pamela Anderson really challenging herself career-wise by enjoying a stint as a showgirl in Las Vegas and The Hoff’s supportive thunder-stealing comments makes the battle for our love all the more acute.

We’re having quite the internal struggle. Not the kind of lactose intolerant internal struggle we just now experienced after eating a carton of Cherry Garcia with a chocolate milk chaser, but an equally arduous internal struggle. We can’t decide who we love more, Pamela Anderson or David Hasselhoff. On one hand you have Pamela Lee Rock Anderson, one of pop culture’s earliest and most successful examples of surgically-enhanced blonde bombshells becoming ridiculously famous without a smidge of respectable talent. On the other hand you have David “The (self-proclaimed) Hoff” Hasselhoff, a man who befriended a talking car and brought us the majesty that is an ageing man running on the beach while desperately holding in his gut. Actually, we’ve struggled with this quagmire for years, but the breaking news story about Pamela Anderson really challenging herself career-wise by enjoying a stint as a showgirl in Las Vegas and The Hoff’s supportive thunder-stealing comments makes the battle for our love all the more acute.
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Sheryl Crow Adopts A Son; Presumed To Be Biodegradable

by hecklerspray staff

Wow, we really understand that Sheryl Crow. We too want to soak up the sun. We too have no one to blame for every time we feel lame. We too have a friend who’s a communist that holds meetings in his RV. She speaks to our soul, you know.

That’s why we’ve stuck with Sheryl Crow through the good times and the bad, despite the multiple restraining orders she has filed against us. We were by her side when she finally dumped that very talented athlete/tool/delusionoid with a god complex, Lance Armstrong. We held her hand through the cancer scare because, well, we are strong enough to be her man. And now, we are elated to be the first to announce (after People, TMZ.com, and probably a bunch of others) that she has joined in the apparent celebrity adoption alliance and adopted a son.

Thank goodness. That’s one less baby for Rosie O’Donnell to adopt.

Wow, we really understand that Sheryl Crow. We too want to soak up the sun. We too have no one to blame for every time we feel lame. We too have a friend who’s a communist that holds meetings in his RV. She speaks to our soul, you know. That’s why we’ve stuck with Sheryl Crow through the good times and the bad, despite the multiple restraining orders she has filed against us. We were by her side when she finally dumped that very talented athlete/tool/delusionoid with a god complex, Lance Armstrong. We held her hand through the cancer scare because, well, we are strong enough to be her man. And now, we are elated to be the first to announce (after People, TMZ.com, and probably a bunch of others) that she has joined in the apparent celebrity adoption alliance and adopted a son. Thank goodness. That’s one less baby for Rosie O’Donnell to adopt.
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Lindsay Lohan: Possible Reported Rumoured Drug Scandal

by hecklerspray staff

Lindsay Lohan has been surreptitiously missing from the headlines of all of our favourite celebrity smut gossip columns lately – we humbly include ourselves in the bunch – and has had us thinking the worst.

We’ve been worried sick that she may have disappeared when her plane crashed on a desert island with a doctor, a healed cripple and an escaped convict chick with chipmunk teeth and they had to protect themselves from dangerous ‘others’ whilst plotlines and side stories become so numerous that they’re impossible to keep track of and no-one has any idea how they’re going to wrap up everything fully with just another episode or two.

But, huzzah! The incomparable Lindsay Lohan has eased our hearts and minds with reports that she had herself a little coke-snorting party in the bathroom of Teddy’s nightclub in Hollywood’s Roosevelt Hotel. It was about time for a vice switch, was it not? Lindsay has triumphed over her reported alcohol problems with an intense trip to rehab where she apparently stayed strictly confined to the premises for all of about six hours a night while she slept. Now it looks like it might be time to break out the drug rehab hats, folks.

But before we all go passing judgements that we’ve already made about the recreational drug habits of Lindsay Lohan, we’re going to give you the alleged facts so you all can make your own opinion. Just know that we’ll no longer be your friends if you formulate an opinion different from ours.

Lindsay Lohan has been surreptitiously missing from the headlines of all of our favourite celebrity smut gossip columns lately – we humbly include ourselves in the bunch – and has had us thinking the worst. We’ve been worried sick that she may have disappeared when her plane crashed on a desert island with a doctor, a healed cripple and an escaped convict chick with chipmunk teeth and they had to protect themselves from dangerous ‘others’ whilst plotlines and side stories become so numerous that they’re impossible to keep track of and no-one has any idea how they’re going to wrap up everything fully with just another episode or two. But, huzzah! The incomparable Lindsay Lohan has eased our hearts and minds with reports that she had herself a little coke-snorting party in the bathroom of Teddy's nightclub in Hollywood's Roosevelt Hotel. It was about time for a vice switch, was it not? Lindsay has triumphed over her reported alcohol problems with an intense trip to rehab where she apparently stayed strictly confined to the premises for all of about six hours a night while she slept. Now it looks like it might be time to break out the drug rehab hats, folks. But before we all go passing judgements that we’ve already made about the recreational drug habits of Lindsay Lohan, we’re going to give you the alleged facts so you all can make your own opinion. Just know that we’ll no longer be your friends if you formulate an opinion different from ours.
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Victoria’s Secret Model Leaves Franchise, Isn’t Sexy

by hecklerspray staff

Supermodels are so stinking lucky. It’s really not fair, you know.

We’ve tried the whole ‘seductress on the runway’ thing in our Batman underoos, but we can’t seem to make so much as a pretty penny. What is it? Is it our acne? Saddlebags? Lazy eye? Can’t they see our ravishing inner beauty? Whatever. The modelling world is so superficial.

Anyway, we got all excited when we heard there was an opening for a Victoria’s Secret model. This could be our big break, because supermodel Gisele Bundchen will no longer be able to strut down the catwalk in lacy brazier and undies in a few commercials a year for Victoria’s Secret and rake in $5 million for it. No, she’ll be able to do it for someone else and make a lot more.

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Jonathan Rhys Meyers Goes To Rehab, Doesn’t Shave His Head

by hecklerspray staff

Irish actor Jonathan Rhys Meyers has been hitting the bottle a little too much between takes, it seems. You may recognise him from a bunch of artsy-fartsy flicks, but we just know him as that one guy in Mission: Impossible III.

No, no, he’s not the big black dude in M:I III, or the annoying short guy with the big nose that stars in the franchise, but the tall delicious dish that was a side-kick, or whatever. Yes, very tasty indeed.

But that’s beside the point. Hot people have problems too, you know. It’s not all diamonds in the sky, bottles of Cristal overflowing in the back of Diddy’s Escalade, helping Lindsay Lohan spin records at Club Hyde and all. The attractive portion of society turns to destructive forms of self-medication just like you do. That’s why Rhys Meyers has checked into rehab for alcohol dependency, and why we developed out penchant for sniffing rubber cement glue when we were six years old. Although, we really blame that on our second grade teacher Mrs. Kinghorn – she’s the one that introduced it and continued to enable our habit during art class.

Irish actor Jonathan Rhys Meyers has been hitting the bottle a little too much between takes, it seems. You may recognise him from a bunch of artsy-fartsy flicks, but we just know him as that one guy in Mission: Impossible III. No, no, he’s not the big black dude in M:I III, or the annoying short guy with the big nose that stars in the franchise, but the tall delicious dish that was a side-kick, or whatever. Yes, very tasty indeed. But that’s beside the point. Hot people have problems too, you know. It’s not all diamonds in the sky, bottles of Cristal overflowing in the back of Diddy’s Escalade, helping Lindsay Lohan spin records at Club Hyde and all. The attractive portion of society turns to destructive forms of self-medication just like you do. That’s why Rhys Meyers has checked into rehab for alcohol dependency, and why we developed out penchant for sniffing rubber cement glue when we were six years old. Although, we really blame that on our second grade teacher Mrs. Kinghorn - she’s the one that introduced it and continued to enable our habit during art class.
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U.S. Radio Host Makes Racial Comments, Is Ugly – But Still Charitable

by hecklerspray staff

It seems that every time you turn around lately you hear about another American celeb pulverising the age-old advice from that skunk in that cartoon deer movie. You know, don’t say anything if you can’t think of anything nice to say, or whatever. This is why we pretty much never speak and stick to writing our insults instead.

The latest celebrity to spew racial/prejudice vomit on the heels of Mel Gibson, Michael Richards and Isaiah Washington is radio host Don Imus. The shocker here is that Imus actually appeared to be sober for his tirade, and hasn’t thrown back enough booze to go into spontaneous liver failure. Now, we must admit we were not familiar with Imus before he insulted the Rutger University women’s basketball team on his national morning radio show, but now that we know who he is, may we just say that he’s got a perfect face for radio.

It seems that every time you turn around lately you hear about another American celeb pulverising the age-old advice from that skunk in that cartoon deer movie. You know, don’t say anything if you can’t think of anything nice to say, or whatever. This is why we pretty much never speak and stick to writing our insults instead. The latest celebrity to spew racial/prejudice vomit on the heels of Mel Gibson, Michael Richards and Isaiah Washington is radio host Don Imus. The shocker here is that Imus actually appeared to be sober for his tirade, and hasn’t thrown back enough booze to go into spontaneous liver failure. Now, we must admit we were not familiar with Imus before he insulted the Rutger University women’s basketball team on his national morning radio show, but now that we know who he is, may we just say that he’s got a perfect face for radio.
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Cruise-Holmes Baby Finishes First Year As Human On Planet Earth

by hecklerspray staff

Can you believe that our little bundle of weirdness is a year old already?

Time flies when you’re wasting your life hitting entertainment websites for hours a day on company time like we do. Yes, it’s true. Suri ‘I’m changing my first name when I’m 18 because my parents are just plain cruel’ Cruise has hit the Big 0-1 on April 18th.

First of all, we’re shocked that we even care, but then we remembered we have no friends and no life, so it’s all good. Second, we can’t help but wonder what this mean for the much-scrutinised spawn of Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise? In Hollywood years it means that it’s time to get serious about getting rid of that baby fat. Seriously, have you seen those thighs?? Um, it’s called lite baby formula. Look into it, sweetheart.

Can you believe that our little bundle of weirdness is a year old already? Time flies when you’re wasting your life hitting entertainment websites for hours a day on company time like we do. Yes, it’s true. Suri 'I’m changing my first name when I’m 18 because my parents are just plain cruel' Cruise has hit the Big 0-1 on April 18th. First of all, we’re shocked that we even care, but then we remembered we have no friends and no life, so it’s all good. Second, we can’t help but wonder what this mean for the much-scrutinised spawn of Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise? In Hollywood years it means that it’s time to get serious about getting rid of that baby fat. Seriously, have you seen those thighs?? Um, it’s called lite baby formula. Look into it, sweetheart.
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Wife of Velvet Revolver Frontman Starts Impromptu Bonfire

by hecklerspray staff

Ah, Hollywood. My how you’ve changed…

Gone are the days of The Cosby Show, when Bill and Claire Huxtable taught their children of oddly various hues a valuable lesson in a 30-minute show whilst we reluctantly endured your attempts to increase our appreciation of jazz or education. Also gone are the days where rock stars kept their domestic squabbles swept under the rug where they belong, until the day when one of their messed-up kids writes a defacing tell-all book or made-for-TV movie to pay the bills until the next instalment of Celebrity Fit Club comes a-knocking at their door.

In these modern times of Hollywood, you can’t go a day without hearing about some celebrity trying to beat the living snot out of their spouse, or vice versa. Well, boys and girls, today’s tale of dysfunction, includes blood, violence, and fire – thanks to Velvet Revolver nee Stone Temple Pilots lead singer Scott Weiland and his blushing bride. Seriously, people. Keep the arson and such under wraps, because you’re taking up valuable press space that could be devoted to finding the autopsy results of Anna Nicole Smith’s colon.

Ah, Hollywood. My how you’ve changed… Gone are the days of The Cosby Show, when Bill and Claire Huxtable taught their children of oddly various hues a valuable lesson in a 30-minute show whilst we reluctantly endured your attempts to increase our appreciation of jazz or education. Also gone are the days where rock stars kept their domestic squabbles swept under the rug where they belong, until the day when one of their messed-up kids writes a defacing tell-all book or made-for-TV movie to pay the bills until the next instalment of Celebrity Fit Club comes a-knocking at their door. In these modern times of Hollywood, you can’t go a day without hearing about some celebrity trying to beat the living snot out of their spouse, or vice versa. Well, boys and girls, today’s tale of dysfunction, includes blood, violence, and fire - thanks to Velvet Revolver nee Stone Temple Pilots lead singer Scott Weiland and his blushing bride. Seriously, people. Keep the arson and such under wraps, because you’re taking up valuable press space that could be devoted to finding the autopsy results of Anna Nicole Smith’s colon.
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Alleged Kid Rock Rift Promotes Universal White-Trash Stereotype

by hecklerspray staff

An etiquette lesson from Kid Rock:

When you go to the local watering hole, be sure to ask a random couple to accompany you back to your place for further enjoyment of cheap beer and the gratuitous use of the word ‘dude’. If at some point your new homies become more loud and annoying than you, it is time to escort them out and retire to your Lazy Boy Recliner for NASCAR recaps and, yet again, more cheap beer. Your guests can be dismissed by yelling at them (again, the use of the word ‘dude’ is strongly recommended), and grabbing the female guest’s neck strangle-hold style and shoving her outside into an embankment of snow.

Yes, boys and girls, Kid Rock has once again demonstrated that long nappy hair, white undershirt tank tops and beer bellies always add up to class and propriety. How so, you ask? It seems that Kid laid the smack down on some woman that he thought was his recent ex-wife, Pamela Anderson. It’s true. And by true, we mean false.

An etiquette lesson from Kid Rock: When you go to the local watering hole, be sure to ask a random couple to accompany you back to your place for further enjoyment of cheap beer and the gratuitous use of the word ‘dude’. If at some point your new homies become more loud and annoying than you, it is time to escort them out and retire to your Lazy Boy Recliner for NASCAR recaps and, yet again, more cheap beer. Your guests can be dismissed by yelling at them (again, the use of the word ‘dude’ is strongly recommended), and grabbing the female guest’s neck strangle-hold style and shoving her outside into an embankment of snow. Yes, boys and girls, Kid Rock has once again demonstrated that long nappy hair, white undershirt tank tops and beer bellies always add up to class and propriety. How so, you ask? It seems that Kid laid the smack down on some woman that he thought was his recent ex-wife, Pamela Anderson. It’s true. And by true, we mean false.
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Michael Jackson’s Handshake Way More Expensive Than Yours

by hecklerspray staff

Even though he’s one of the biggest pop icons ever in, like, a billion years, Michael Jackson still remembers the little people. He doesn’t just cater to the uber-wealthy to whom he charged $3,400 to shake his curiously alabaster hand in Tokyo, Japan. He also gives the poor a chance to curse grace themselves with his touch for a mere $130 per handshake.

This may seem like the work of a total whack-job with a god complex to you, but we think it’s totally worth it, because after Michael Jackson heals the world with his touch, then you get to hear him sing. Okay, so, you have to listen really closely and quickly because he’ll probably only muster the strength to utter a few syllables like he did in Tokyo last week, but that was because all of his divinity was sapped from touching so many underlings. Still, it’s totally worth it.

Even though he’s one of the biggest pop icons ever in, like, a billion years, Michael Jackson still remembers the little people. He doesn’t just cater to the uber-wealthy to whom he charged $3,400 to shake his curiously alabaster hand in Tokyo, Japan. He also gives the poor a chance to curse grace themselves with his touch for a mere $130 per handshake. This may seem like the work of a total whack-job with a god complex to you, but we think it’s totally worth it, because after Michael Jackson heals the world with his touch, then you get to hear him sing. Okay, so, you have to listen really closely and quickly because he’ll probably only muster the strength to utter a few syllables like he did in Tokyo last week, but that was because all of his divinity was sapped from touching so many underlings. Still, it’s totally worth it.
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