Iggy Pop impersonator Jennifer Aniston has gone on record to pooh-pooh the constant merry-go-round of slack-jawed speculation about her six-year-dead marriage to professional handsomeness salesman Brad Pitt, and her supposed feud with terrifying hose beast Angelina Jolie.
When Instyle US magazine asked Jennifer which misconception about her she finds most irritating, they were probably expecting her to come out with a light hearted quip about “people think I’m really like Rachel from Friends LOL I’m still milking that dry dry udder!”
However, she actually went on a sort of rambly rant about her divorce.
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Ah the Super Bowl, the pinnacle of sporting exuberance and over celebration. And as it’s Super Bowl (or Superb Owl if you prefer), we’ll be running a series of specials to whet your whistles. In the words of Stanley Ralph Ross, so immortalised by Jim McKay “The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat”.
The unfortunate truth about the Super Bowl is that a large proportion of them have been crap, crap, one-sided affairs that were not so much the ultimate gladiatorial fight that is often portrayed, but more like that bit in Raiders of the Lost Arc where Indiana just shoots the sword wielding guy.
Anyways, regardless of the final outcome there have been some very good individual moments from the Super Bowl, here’s the best top 10 Super Bowl moments your stupid eyes will ever see.
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Downton Abbey is great for many reasons: its faithful commitment to anachronism, its stringent adhesion to the patriarchal values of an aristocratic class that should by all rights be extinct and, of course, all the lovely shiny things.
If you’re a magpie, or a viewer in possession of a lower than average IQ, you probably spent the heavily-ad-breaked episodes of Downton thinking only of the shiny things, whilst occasionally wondering how Michelle Dockery keeps her face so very, very immobile.
Well, guess what, stupid magpie folk: you can buy replicas of all the shiny things you saw on those ass-kicking Edwardian heroines! From a knotted pearl necklace (quiet at the back) as modelled by Lavinia before she died the lamest death ever, to Lady Sybil’s token feminist gesture earrings, it’s all here! There’s also a cloche hat, for if you like Downton but also take fashion cues from Notting Hill circa 2005. Oh, and a teapot and mug set.
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OfCom, the protector of modern decency and punisher of all who swear at Manuel from Fawlty Towers, have ruled that ITV were breaking the rules when they let Tulisa waggle her arm at the cameras.
And not in a Rebel Without a Cause, sexy, doing it with the lights on, leaving the lid off the margarine and swearing at the Pope kind of rule-breaking way, oh no.
They were breaking broadcasting rules, which are as old and fierce as time itself. Unless you’re Ricky Gervais, and you want to insult disabled people, obviously.
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The Queen of New Boring has come under attack for having the temerity to get all pelvic and grunty with a man who might not be entirely divorced from his estranged wife.
As if it wasn’t enough that she can’t get through a day without a million more people buying her album, she’s had to take to her blog (which is a step up from taking to Twitter, at least) to tell everyone that
a) he’s not married and b) it’s none of their goddamn business.
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Skin’s nice, isn’t it? The biggest organ of all the other organs in your body, according to the internet (though our liver is probably jostling for that accolade), and really good for when you want to stop your other, smaller, organs from falling out and making a mess on the carpet.
Its also pretty good for making a special outfit to wear to old Buffalo Bill’s Valentine’s Day party.
People always say you need to look after your skin, which we do by maintaining a full, thick layer of Vaseline at all times. Beyonce has been looking after her skin, though, by making it white! Seriously. Step away from the Tippex, B, people are starting to think you might be a bit of a racist.
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A father of premature-twins has complained that Beyonce and Jay-Z’s ‘people’ stopped him from visiting his newborns in hospital.
Despite doing nothing more remarkable than what women have been doing for thousands of years and without the help of a placenta-grooming team, Beyonce’s medical needs were deemed so important by her minders that they barred other patients from entering the 6th floor neonatal intensive care unit where Queen B was resting up after giving birth to a child presumably named after a toilet-cleaner.
Neil Coulon accused Beyonce’s hired goons of treating the hospital corridor like ‘an exclusive nightclub’. By which we mean, enforced a strict entrance policy, rather than charging other patients £30, flicking the light switches on and off, pissing on the floor then dousing them in Joop! and pheromones.
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The world’s most talented baby was born at the weekend – Blue Ivy Curtis – who will change everything, and will definitely not look like Nas, came out of the world’s greatest vagina to rapturous trumpet fanfare, while Jay-Z reconsidered his verses in early hit “Big Pimpin’”.
Blue Ivy, who has more money and talent than anyone we could ever think of despite being less than a week old, hasn’t been officially announced by Jay-Z and Beyonce, because they’re closed-off about their relationship to frankly KGB levels.
However, a bunch of other folks announced the outbreak of Blue Ivy after various media sources calculated that something had to happen surely, because that’s been 9 months and that’s how it works after having read a book at school AND EVERYTHING.
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