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David Schwartz

Top 9 Jumpiest Movie Moments

by David Schwartz

Why do we love being scared by movies so much?

Where is the satisfaction in being forced to jump out of our skins as someone or something leaps out at the least obvious moment? Why do we do it to ourselves? Is it a battle of wills between us and the director to see whether he can make you actually make you physically shit yourselves?

Or it that same impulse that when someone tells you to smell something bad, you can’t help but do it? It’s OK, we’ve all done it. Whatever the reason, some directors have certainly succeeded where others have failed by making you actually lift off out of your seat.

They can almost be measured by the sound of everyone landing. And here are the best, with video…

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Top 7 Films To Get You Laid

by David Schwartz

Let’s face it, we could all do with a bit more sex.

It’s a beautiful thing – even if it is a quick knee-trembler around the back of the bar with that ugly girl/ guy from accounts. But sometimes getting your partner in the mood for a bit of loving can be difficult. Sometimes they are just too tired. There’s never enough alcohol or Rohypnol when you need it.

Well, hecklerspray understands your pain, so we have come up with a list of films guaranteed to get them hornier than a dog with two cocks…

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Top 7 Action Heroes You Could Probably Beat In A Fight

by David Schwartz

Some movie action heroes really don’t cut the mustard. They may be able to talk the talk. But when it comes to walking the walk, they are a drunken, one-legged tramp with a bad limp, short arms and an itchy arse.

They are all mouth and no trousers. Or as our sweet old grandma used to say, “they are all fart and no shit.” Anyway, you get the idea. They’re the action heroes in film that you know in the real world would not stand up to much. In fact, without the CGI and the body double they are nothing.

Now, movies are all about pretend. We understand that. But there are limits, right? There is a point when your imagination stands up and says ‘wait a minute’. And here at hecklerspray we feel it is our duty to expose such charlatans. For the good of mankind, of course. Oh, and if any of the following want to question it, we will be waiting outside. Bring it on!

Behold, the Not-So-Magnificent Seven…

Some movie action heroes really don't cut the mustard. They may be able to talk the talk. But when it comes to walking the walk, they are a drunken, one-legged tramp with a bad limp, short arms and an itchy arse. They are all mouth and no trousers. Or as our sweet old grandma used to say, "they are all fart and no shit." Anyway, you get the idea. They're the action heroes in film that you know in the real world would not stand up to much. In fact, without the CGI and the body double they are nothing. Now, movies are all about pretend. We understand that. But there are limits, right? There is a point when your imagination stands up and says 'wait a minute'. And here at hecklerspray we feel it is our duty to expose such charlatans. For the good of mankind, of course. Oh, and if any of the following want to question it, we will be waiting outside. Bring it on! Behold, the Not-So-Magnificent Seven...
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Top Ten Worst Movie Endings In History

by David Schwartz

There is nothing worse than watching a good film only for it to be ruined by a terrible ending.

It can be an appalling plot twist which makes you question why you bothered in the first place, an abrupt end that leaves more questions than answers , or, even worse, bloody Ewoks (More of that later).

Well, hecklerspray has decided to rustle up the top 10 worst offenders into a handy, east-to-carry-home format. Now, be warned, this list will definitely contain plot spoilers. Look, it would be impossible to talk about a film’s ending and how bad it is without revealing what actually happened. But that doesn’t mean we’re the sort of people who enjoy spoiling endings.

Notoriously, some git once decided to spoil the ending of the The Usual Suspects for thousands of Londoners by drawing a big arrow on the identity parade poster for the film pointing at Kevin Spacey’s head. Shit, now we’ve just done it. Also, apparently, the Portuguese translation for the horror classic Psycho was ‘The Story Of The Man Who Killed His Mother’. D’oh! Done it again.

See, when we do it, it’s by accident. we find ourselves constantly revealing the fact that Bruce Willis is a ghost in The Sixth Sense. Bollocks!

Look, here’s the list…

There is nothing worse than watching a good film only for it to be ruined by a terrible ending. It can be an appalling plot twist which makes you question why you bothered in the first place, an abrupt end that leaves more questions than answers , or, even worse, bloody Ewoks (More of that later). Well, hecklerspray has decided to rustle up the top 10 worst offenders into a handy, east-to-carry-home format. Now, be warned, this list will definitely contain plot spoilers. Look, it would be impossible to talk about a film's ending and how bad it is without revealing what actually happened. But that doesn't mean we're the sort of people who enjoy spoiling endings. Notoriously, some git once decided to spoil the ending of the The Usual Suspects for thousands of Londoners by drawing a big arrow on the identity parade poster for the film pointing at Kevin Spacey's head. Shit, now we've just done it. Also, apparently, the Portuguese translation for the horror classic Psycho was 'The Story Of The Man Who Killed His Mother'. D'oh! Done it again. See, when we do it, it's by accident. we find ourselves constantly revealing the fact that Bruce Willis is a ghost in The Sixth Sense. Bollocks! Look, here's the list...
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Top 10 Movies In Need Of A Hollywood Remake

by David Schwartz

We’ve all moaned about the seemingly endless remakes being churned out by Hollywood these days.

Whether it’s pointless shot-by-shot rehashes of Psycho or awful renditions of classic British films such as Get Carter and the Italian Job, it seems nothing is immune to Tinseltown’s obsession with recycling. When was the last time producers in Hollywood had an original idea?

Well, hecklerspray has decided to help the ailing American movie monolith by coming up with 10 films they should remake. It hasn’t been easy. A lot of films on the list we love. But we are a giving site and have decided to stick our heads on the block. So why do it? Well, like we said, most of the films listed are films we love. But maybe it’s time we updated them. That could be for a variety of reasons. Some films started as great ideas but just ended up as a pile of shit, while others have dated badly and could be improved upon by the latest special effects techniques. There are also movies that could simply do with a bath and clean clothing.

Oh, there is one proviso. George Lucas cannot get his hands on any of them. Here goes:

We've all moaned about the seemingly endless remakes being churned out by Hollywood these days. Whether it's pointless shot-by-shot rehashes of Psycho or awful renditions of classic British films such as Get Carter and the Italian Job, it seems nothing is immune to Tinseltown's obsession with recycling. When was the last time producers in Hollywood had an original idea? Well, hecklerspray has decided to help the ailing American movie monolith by coming up with 10 films they should remake. It hasn't been easy. A lot of films on the list we love. But we are a giving site and have decided to stick our heads on the block. So why do it? Well, like we said, most of the films listed are films we love. But maybe it's time we updated them. That could be for a variety of reasons. Some films started as great ideas but just ended up as a pile of shit, while others have dated badly and could be improved upon by the latest special effects techniques. There are also movies that could simply do with a bath and clean clothing. Oh, there is one proviso. George Lucas cannot get his hands on any of them. Here goes:
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Top Five Patronising James Bond Quotes

by David Schwartz

Must be hard not to patronise people when you are James Bond.

When you can basically do anything, kill anything and shag anything while in the middle of saving the world, it can’t be easy making small talk with us mere mortals. Usually, he tries to disguise it with terrible puns. Shocking! But every now and again he slips up (mainly on Roger Moore’s watch).

Like women, fast cars and Martinis, he just can’t help himself. There are many we could mention, but we have decided to cut them down to just five:

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SPRAY COUNTDOWN: Real Bad Boys Of Music

by David Schwartz

Forget Liam Gallagher or Pete Doherty, meet the real bad boys of music.

Murderers, rapists and gun-toting maniacs, they make a night throwing TVs out of hotel windows look like a party at the Women’s Institute. These are the people you really would not want to meet down a dark alley, just in case you got a Stratocaster wrapped around your head.

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SPRAY COUNTDOWN: Drunk Celebrity Videos

by David Schwartz

You know, being a celebrity is not it’s all cracked up to be.

We may see the fast cars, huge mansions and endless parties as something to envy. But at least when us ‘civilians’ are caught on camera making a fool of ourselves when drunk, we only have to bear the taunts of our friends. Unless, of course, some clever bastard has put the images on Facebook. But that’s a whole other story.

You see, it could be worse – you could be a celebrity. Yes, they may lead a life of luxury, but they are only human beings after all. No, really. So if they’re caught on camera making a drunken tit of themselves, the whole world has an opinion.

Some publishers will mock, others will be morally outraged, while some, even worse, would just ignore it.And even when you think it’s died down, some website or TV programme does one of those annoying top 10s. Bastards!

You know, being a celebrity is not it's all cracked up to be. We may see the fast cars, huge mansions and endless parties as something to envy. But at least when us 'civilians' are caught on camera making a fool of ourselves when drunk, we only have to bear the taunts of our friends. Unless, of course, some clever bastard has put the images on Facebook. But that's a whole other story. You see, it could be worse – you could be a celebrity. Yes, they may lead a life of luxury, but they are only human beings after all. No, really. So if they're caught on camera making a drunken tit of themselves, the whole world has an opinion. Some publishers will mock, others will be morally outraged, while some, even worse, would just ignore it.And even when you think it's died down, some website or TV programme does one of those annoying top 10s. Bastards!
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Jeremy Beadle is dead

by David Schwartz

TV prankster Jeremy Beadle has died, aged 59. The popular TV presenter passed away on Wednesday after being admitted to hospital last week with pneumonia.  Beadle had been suffering with poor health since being diagnosed with leukaemia almost three years ago. He was best known for presenting popular shows such as Game for a Laugh [...]

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SPRAY COUNTDOWN: Sequels Better Than The Originals

by David Schwartz

Everyone knows that sequels generally suck. Let’s face it, the only reason Hollywood comes up with a second helping is to cash in on the success of the original.

Oh, and the fact that Hollywood hasn’t come up with any original ideas for years. And when they do they want to make the most of it. But sometimes sequels can actually eclipse the original.

It’s certainly rare. For every Godfather Part II there is a Speed 2, Ocean’s 12 and Another 48 Hours waiting in the wings. For God’s sake, this was going to be a a top 10, but we could only think of five.

But anyway, here goes:

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