Leaked Email Regarding Michael Bay’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Film

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

What’s up, Bay Z? Oh, sorry, Michael Bay Z. Let’s keep this thing formal. I got your email about working on a plot synopsis for your Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie.

I brainstormed really hard, took a few minutes and whipped one up. It’s an honor to take something that so many people like and change it almost entirely. Were gonna blow people’s minds with this one.

I tried to give it some of that Michael Bay flavor. Hope you like it!

Robot Combat League Is The Most Boring Show About Fighting Robots Ever

Chris Jericho on Robot Combat League.

Making a show about fighting robots into something exciting should be simple. When the words “robot”, “combat”, and “league” are combined, they create emotions only rivaled by the combination of “car wash” and “Eva Mendes.”

However, leave it to Syfy, a channel that had already succeeded in making the search for Bigfoot boring, to create the most lackluster show about punching metal that you’ll ever see. The first episode of Robot Combat League premiered yesterday, and it let me down in nearly every way possible.

5 Amazing Stephen King Stories That Should Be Adapted For TV

 Art for "The Dark Tower"

Earth, wind, fire and water are the elements that make up 30% of the world. The other 70% of the world is made of Stephen King. He’s everywhere. Anytime you feel like their might be someone else in an empty room, it’s just the presence of Stephen King.

And as much as the master of horror literature is everywhere, he deserves to be everywhere-er. One of his latest novels, “Under The Dome,” is getting turned into a TV series and more from his expansive library should get the same treatment. Here are five Stephen King stories that need to be on your television.

5 Action Stars Who Made Confusing Attempts At Music

Steven Seagal shooting a laser out of his guitar.

If what you do mostly involves winning death match tournaments to save the life of your reporter love interest or portraying a good cop who gets the job done, but plays by his own rules, there is probably a lot of repetition. It’s one of the perks of being an action star sometimes.

You get so good at one thing that you don’t really need to do anything else. However, this repetition can often be disconcerting. At a certain point in every action star’s life, usually around the four thousandth roundhouse kick or the two millionth burst of machine gun fire, they ask themselves “IS THIS ALL I’M WORTH?”

Pitbull Vs Flo Rida: Who Sucks Less?

 Pitbull and Flo Rida

It’s tough to find good, independent music these days. We live in an era where everything is processed and filtered and we give Grammy’s to the faces that promote the songs instead of the robots that worked hard on them.

That’s why we’re lucky to have rappers like Pitbull and Flo Rida, two men who bring honesty and truth to their music, who aren’t just in it for the pay check, but in it for the love. However, there can only be one king among men.

Who’s a better rapper, Mr. Worldwide or The Only One Rida? Let’s compare their strengths and weaknesses and find out.

The 5 Most Un-Listenable 2013 Grammy Nominees

Grammy trophies.

It’s that time of the year again, where they put all of the most talented people in the world together in a room and give awards to a few of them. Oh, I’m sorry. I lied. That first sentence describes nothing that exists yet.

It is time for the Grammy’s, where hipsters get mad and people watch because suicide takes slightly more work. The Grammy’s, where the chance of finding new music is the same as the chance of Bigfoot photographing you. These are five of the most un-listenable songs that received Grammy nominations.

Downton Abbey Is A Show About Boring Discussions and Hating America

Characters on Downton Abbey.

A little while ago, I wrote that Glee was a fantastic series about secret agents and sex robots, based on the YouTube comments that I’d read. To be honest, I believe my assumptions were fairly accurate. Due to the spot-on nature of my perception, I decided to apply this same method to another show that I’ve never watched, Downton Abbey.

Now, from what I’ve heard, Downton Abbey consists mainly of British people being assholes to one another. I’ll use this as the platform from which to start my research.

Alright, YouTube comments, you paradigm of telling me I’m dumb and then trying to fight me, it’s time to go to work.

7 Reasons Why Fake TV Wrestling Is Better Than Taking Your Vitamins

The Rock holding the WWE Championship at the Royal Rumble.

Vitamins are very important, especially for growing children. But, do you know what’s even more important than iron and protein supplements? Pro wrestling.

I know that it seems ludicrous, and my God it is, but pro wrestling does more to promote health than any vitamin. It was absolutely necessary in the creation of the man I know me to be today. And I rule. Here are seven reasons why fake TV wrestling is better than taking your vitamins.

The 5 Dumbest Super Bowl Commercials

Beyonce during her Super Bowl Half Time Show.

Advertisements are used to help consumers make choices, and it’s a testament to their effectiveness that this Trojan man really wants an iPad Pepsi Kia right now. One of the biggest showcases for advertisements is the Super Bowl, where companies spend millions of dollars, just to get a spot that millions will see. This list is comprised of the worst of these ads, ads that missed their mark so badly that sales will probably decrease.

I would do a list of the best ones, but it would probably just be a video of Beyonce’s half-time performance over and over again. Oh, Beyonce, you magnificent Aphrodite.

The 7 Most Awesome American Horror Story Characters

american horror storyTo describe American Horror Story as “good” would show a severe misunderstanding of the word, and to describe it as bad would be discrediting to all the good parts of it. In short, American Horror Story is a bizarre combination of weirdness and ineptitude, leaving viewers with one of the most bizarre shows on television.

Almost nothing on AHS works in the way that it should, and I love it for it. It’s because of this schizophrenic mixture of amazing things stemming from unintended awfulness that we get a great cast of characters.

These are the seven best characters on American Horror Story, for reasons that are often as nuts as the show itself.