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C J Davies

Babyshambles Unfortunately Not Splitting Up

by C J Davies

Anyone who teaches in a public school sixth-form might have noticed a look of worry in the eyes of some of their dimmer students recently.

Reports were rife, you see, that walking Hancock’s Half Hour audition Pete Doherty was all set to abandon his band Babyshambles, leaving a couple of trilby-wearing Shoreditch chancers out of a job and legions of simpering twats looking for another piss-poor musical collective to bizarrely label as ‘genius’.

Those aforementioned teachers will probably be noticing a new-found gleam in those peepers, however, as it transpires that the rumours were simply those: rumours. Babyshambles, as has now been confirmed by their needle-addled frontman, are not going to split up after all.

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Hecklergigs: Milton Jones, The Porthole

by C J Davies

Comedy nights can be a hit-and-miss affair sometimes.

You know the score – sometimes you’re blown away by a selection of genuinely witty, intelligent and funny gag-merchants, while on other occasions you end up so bored with legions of “hey, aren’t men and women kinda different” jokes that you end up gnawing on your pint glass in sheer frustration. And then receiving a cleaners bill for all that pesky blood-mopping afterwards.

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Michael Jackson To Inhabit Arena For 30 Days

by C J Davies

When hecklerspray saw 30 Days Of Night last year, we had to admit that we found it a little creepy.

After all, the idea of being surrounded by rat-faced violent sociopaths for an entire month is something that should send a shiver down the spine of any right-thinking human being. Unless, of course, you live anywhere near Wigan, in which case that’s just business as usual all year round.

Still – there’s actually one thing that unsettles us more than spending 30 days in the company of bloodsucking vampires, and that’s spending 30 days in the company of ‘unique’ pop star Michael Jackson. Note: this fear isn’t particularly based on any of his face-falling-apart, dangling-babies-over-balconies habits, but more to do with the fact that he might try singing Heal The World at us over and over again.

You’ve gotta feel sorry, then, for the O2 Arena. For it’s looking very likely that Jacko is all set to fly over to the UK and perform a 30 day stint. A bit like Prince did, except that everyone going to see him only really paid attention to the popular eighties stuff and politely ignored the rest.

Hang on…

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Was X Factor A Fix?

by C J Davies

Television phone-in contests have had a tough old time this year.

First there was the Richard And Judy You Say, We Pay malarkey. Then GMTV got embroiled in a similar sort of scandal. And hit ITV show Phone In And Give Us Lots Of Money While Attempting To Find Wholly Arbitrary Answers To Pointless Questions, You Pathetic Gullible Cretins raised more than a few eyebrows out there in viewerland. Surely things couldn’t get any worse, right?

Think again. X Factor – grandaddy of all slightly plebeian dial-a-vote TV fests – has sparked off a whole new controversy following allegations that the result was a bloody great big fix. Over 1,500 viewers have called Ofcom so far to complain, meaning that a) they’re either really, really angry, or b) they were trying to get through to Simpleton Ring-A-Ling Money Grab and their fingers were too greasy from the massive KFC bucket on their lap to dial the right digits.

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Chris De Burgh To Inflict Himself On Iran

by C J Davies

Iran. They’re part of the axis of evil, you know.

Why? Well, because chimp-in-command Georgie Bush says so.

Why else?

Because of their constant, sickeningly misogynist repression of women? Or their charming little policy of hanging homosexuals? Well, they’re bad enough (unless you read The Independent, in which case they’re just cultural differences which we should ‘respect’; you know, the same way we should ‘respect’ a Rottweiler’s right to savage a toddler). Well, hecklerspray’s definition of evil is something of a more universal one.

One that involves Chris De Burgh.

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Celebrity Haiku Competition: Joss Stone

by C J Davies

As sure as night follows day and the drinking of cheap supermarket cider instills a sense of self-loathing, so Mondays will forever herald the arrival of a brand new hecklerspray Celebrity Haiku Competition. At least until we get bored of it. Or until those of you who take this contest far too seriously begin stalking us, glistening kitchen knife in hand as you ramble on about syllables and syntax and how mummy kept you locked in the cupboard between the ages of seven and nine.

Until that day, let the slightly pointless fun continue.

This week we’re looking at pop starlet Joss Stone and her new job as a chocolate saleswoman. Before that, though, let’s take a sneaky peek at last week’s winner…

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David Blaine May Damage His Blaine-Brain

by C J Davies

Following up a stellar career so far – titting around in a perspex box without any food and standing in some ice near a pavement – illusionist David Blaine has revealed details of his next ‘stunt.’ And also revealed his worries that it may leave him brain damaged.

The stunt itself? He’s planning on going a whole 12 days without sleep, thereby setting a world record and possibly impressing someone somewhere in the world who doesn’t really have much else to concentrate on.

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Disturbing Friday Fun: Eurovision Creepiness

by C J Davies

Eurovision is bad enough at the worst of times, right? There’s nothing worse than watching some shambling lunatic in ill-fitting clothes saunter around a stage and display their complete lack of professionalism to the world. And that’s just Terry Wogan. Eh? Eh? Do you see? Eh?

Anyway. There’s actually one surefire way to make Eurovision that little bit more unsettling – and we don’t mean watching it on 30g of magic mushrooms with your eyelids taped open like Malcolm McDowell in A Clockwork Orange. We mean by choosing an entry that has somewhat, ahem, suspicious lyrics.

As flagged up by the mighty Popbitch, I Love The Girls is Alexandru Bobnibov’s shortlisted attempt to represent Moldova in next year’s Eurovision. “Now, then,” you might say, “what’s wrong with a title like that? He loves the ladies – surely he’s just a red-blooded young man?” To which we reply: check out the lyrics.

Do you wanna be in a my gang, my gang, my gang …

I Love The Girls (second track down)

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Wikipedia: Officially Not Entirely Bollocks

by C J Davies

Anyone out there worried about upcoming exams?

We know how you feel here at hecklerspray. We’ve got something of a test coming up ourselves. Well, it’s actually more of a ‘court case’, to be honest, but we can assure you that those nervous jitters are completely the same. Hell – if we fail that all-important ‘why exactly where you stood on a box looking inside Hilary Duff’s dressing room’ segment, we don’t know what we’re going to do.

Seriously, though, kids: exams are important. Study hard and stay in school. Yeah, yeah, we know it may be more tempting to sniff loads of glue and try to hoist up Tracy Ashman’s skirt behind the bike shed than to sit down and ponder over equations. But no-one ever said life was going to be fun. You hear us? No-one.

Besides. You could always take consolation in one small thing. Apparently you can now use Wikipedia as a valuable research tool.

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Celebrity Haiku Competition: Radiohead

by C J Davies

You know the score by now – hecklerspray presents a brief poetry-based diversion to brighten up your cripplingly dull Monday. Apart, of course, from those of you who now take this contest so seriously we’re genuinely getting a little bit frightened.

This week we’re asking you to scribble out lyrical odes to smilin’ Thom Yorke and his pals in Radiohead. But – before we get onto that – let’s take a look at last week’s winner, shall we?

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