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C J Davies

Lily Allen TV Show Is Big Old Flop

by C J Davies

New BBC 3 show Lily Allen And Friends is in trouble. And not just due to the rubbish title – although surely a more accurate name would be Lily Allen And A Bunch Of Z-List Hangers-On Who’ll Vanish As Soon As Her Fame Begins To Dwindle, Therefore Leaving Her With Nothing Better To Do Than Record An Embarrassing Christmas 2009 Novelty Record With Her Father.

The idea seemed like a rating winner at first. Get one of the most high profile pop stars of the moment to front an inane and unchallenging chatfest with some equally dim celebrity mates.

Then? Then came the studio recording, and the point at which things didn’t so much go downhill as start tunnelling to the centre of the Earth like that weird drill-vehicle from The Core. And – after disappointing the live audience so much that a good percentage of them walked out – Lily has now seen this failure to engage reflected in the broadcast arena.

New BBC 3 show Lily Allen And Friends is in trouble. And not just due to the rubbish title - although surely a more accurate name would be Lily Allen And A Bunch Of Z-List Hangers-On Who'll Vanish As Soon As Her Fame Begins To Dwindle, Therefore Leaving Her With Nothing Better To Do Than Record An Embarrassing Christmas 2009 Novelty Record With Her Father. The idea seemed like a rating winner at first. Get one of the most high profile pop stars of the moment to front an inane and unchallenging chatfest with some equally dim celebrity mates. Then? Then came the studio recording, and the point at which things didn't so much go downhill as start tunnelling to the centre of the Earth like that weird drill-vehicle from The Core. And - after disappointing the live audience so much that a good percentage of them walked out - Lily has now seen this failure to engage reflected in the broadcast arena.
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24 Creator Hangs Up His Terrorist-Killing Boots

by C J Davies

Ah, 24. We’ve had some good times over the years.

Remember when main character Jack Bauer became hopelessly addicted to heroin and ended a series crying in utter self-loathing? Boy, that was a chuckle and a half. And that bit when a supermarket full of people were told that they were all going to die from a hideous new virus, and that the best way out was to swallow the cyanide pills that were being handed around? Fun, fun, fun.

Anyone who shares these sentiments may want to shed a tear, however, because it looks like – after seven-and-a-bit years of boss-killing, suspect-beheading, nuclear-bomb-crashing and whispering in a hushed grimace – 24 co-creator Joel Surnow reckons that he’s taken the acting skills of Kiefer Sutherland roughly about as far as he can.

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Jamie Oliver Tries To Flog Own Invention

by C J Davies

We’re a bunch of inventors here at hecklerspray, you know.

It’s just a goshdarn crying shame that the UK Patent Office has yet to realise our genius. Okay, okay… so we never actually tested that time machine made of potatoes. And, sure, that teleportation system that runs entirely on warthog urine is only hypothetical. But – seriously – give us a break, guys. Do you think medicines are tested out before they’re released? Maybe on, like, animals or something? Yeah, right – give us a call when the spaceship lands, you nutters.

This whole invention malarkey is good for one thing, though – it’s gone and given us another reason to hate omnipresent TV chef Jamie Oliver.

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Grange Hill To Be Axed

by C J Davies

Grange Hill – officially the best children’s TV show in which the theme tune went ‘wah-wah-wah-waaaahh’ while a surprised cartoon boy stared at a sausage – is to be axed after 30 years.

To any readers outside the UK, here’s a bit of expo: Grange Hill was a high-school drama that was first broadcast in February 1978, and has since gone on to feature gritty storylines about bullying, pregnancy, alcohol abuse and even heroin addiction. Kind of like Sweet Valley High as reimagined by Ken Loach, then.

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Z-List Celebs Get Discount Plastic Surgery; Remain Z-List Regardless

by C J Davies

Remember Chantelle Houghton?

Sure you do – she was the winner of Celebrity Big Brother a couple of years ago, back when people actually watched it and the show wasn’t relegated to E4 with an audience consisting entirely of Dermot O’ Leary’s mother (who only tuned in out of a sense of grim, WW2-like duty).

Well, brace yourselves. Bet you all thought that Chantelle’s naturally graceful poise and beauty was just the result of superior breeding, didn’t you? Bet you wept tears of jealousy knowing that a mere mortal like yourself could never attain such heights of genetic perfection? Fear not, children. It turns out that your bitter, fuming, stranger-stabbing envy was completely unfounded.

Chantelle, you see – and a number of other pointless oxygen-thieving ‘celebrities’ – have apparently been treating themselves to a bit of discount plastic surgery every now and then.

Remember Chantelle Houghton? Sure you do - she was the winner of Celebrity Big Brother a couple of years ago, back when people actually watched it and the show wasn't relegated to E4 with an audience consisting entirely of Dermot O' Leary's mother (who only tuned in out of a sense of grim, WW2-like duty). Well, brace yourselves. Bet you all thought that Chantelle's naturally graceful poise and beauty was just the result of superior breeding, didn't you? Bet you wept tears of jealousy knowing that a mere mortal like yourself could never attain such heights of genetic perfection? Fear not, children. It turns out that your bitter, fuming, stranger-stabbing envy was completely unfounded. Chantelle, you see - and a number of other pointless oxygen-thieving 'celebrities' - have apparently been treating themselves to a bit of discount plastic surgery every now and then.
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The Wolfman Remake Now Director-Free

by C J Davies

Hecklerspray loves remakes.

Such is our affection for the genre, indeed, that we’ve been trying for several years to get our own version of Purple Rain off the ground. It’s a lot more literal than the original – in fact, the movie features no original studio recordings by Prince, and simply features a shower attachment fixed to our office sink and filmed through a purple filter, while in the background a climate expert chats about the devastating wrongness an actual shower of coloured rain would imply. On the plus side, though, the movie features no original studio recordings by Prince.

Someone who isn’t too keen on remakes, it would seem, is director Mark Romanek. Romanek – previously best known for his 2002 film One Hour Photo, in which Robin Williams stands around a pharmacy mumbling a bit before taking some snapshots of a crying man having sex – was all set to direct Universal’s upcoming ‘reimagining’ of horror classic The Wolfman.

Then he walked away.

Hecklerspray loves remakes. Such is our affection for the genre, indeed, that we've been trying for several years to get our own version of Purple Rain off the ground. It's a lot more literal than the original - in fact, the movie features no original studio recordings by Prince, and simply features a shower attachment fixed to our office sink and filmed through a purple filter, while in the background a climate expert chats about the devastating wrongness an actual shower of coloured rain would imply. On the plus side, though, the movie features no original studio recordings by Prince. Someone who isn't too keen on remakes, it would seem, is director Mark Romanek. Romanek - previously best known for his 2002 film One Hour Photo, in which Robin Williams stands around a pharmacy mumbling a bit before taking some snapshots of a crying man having sex - was all set to direct Universal's upcoming 'reimagining' of horror classic The Wolfman. Then he walked away.
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Leave Tom Cruise Alone, Say Other Rich And Famous People

by C J Davies

Not everyone, it seems, shared hecklerspray’s reaction to the recent Tom Cruise Scientology video (which happened to be a mixture of hilarity and genuine fear, particularly when he burst into the sort of laughter you’d expect from a Lord Of The Rings baddie. Or maybe Xenu himself).

A lot of Hollywood-types are getting mightily annoyed that the media has been poking fun at a pompous, overpaid millionaire with Christ-like delusions of grandeur and eyes so scary they should have their own Japanese horror franchise. Major US magazine People has rounded up a bunch of celebrities who want to let the whole world – or just soccer moms thumbing through a copy at the checkout – just how goshdarn annoyed they are.

Among those branding this charade a ‘sickening backlash’ are Adam Sandler, Dustin Hoffman, Ben Stiller, Bruce Willis, Jim Carrey and Demi Moore. We’re sure Katie Holmes would love to have chipped in too, but apparently she was too busy being shipped off to Hubbard Camp for yet more re-education.

Sorry. We meant to say shopping. She was busy shopping.

Not everyone, it seems, shared hecklerspray's reaction to the recent Tom Cruise Scientology video (which happened to be a mixture of hilarity and genuine fear, particularly when he burst into the sort of laughter you'd expect from a Lord Of The Rings baddie. Or maybe Xenu himself). A lot of Hollywood-types are getting mightily annoyed that the media has been poking fun at a pompous, overpaid millionaire with Christ-like delusions of grandeur and eyes so scary they should have their own Japanese horror franchise. Major US magazine People has rounded up a bunch of celebrities who want to let the whole world - or just soccer moms thumbing through a copy at the checkout - just how goshdarn annoyed they are. Among those branding this charade a 'sickening backlash' are Adam Sandler, Dustin Hoffman, Ben Stiller, Bruce Willis, Jim Carrey and Demi Moore. We're sure Katie Holmes would love to have chipped in too, but apparently she was too busy being shipped off to Hubbard Camp for yet more re-education. Sorry. We meant to say shopping. She was busy shopping.
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US Election Betting Odds: Winning Party

by C J Davies

You there! Fancy a ‘flutter’, do you?

Let’s face it – even if you ascribe to Bill Hicks’ philosophy that American politics is basically choosing which puppet can give the best impression of your beliefs (something Britain seems to have emulated too), then you might as well make a bit of cash out of this whole upcoming election shebang.

So we’re all doomed to Armageddon no matter who gets into office? Who cares? You’ve got a tenner that’s burning a hole in yer pocket, and you’ll be damned if you’re not going to do something election-based with it, right here, right now.

Let’s kick things off with the big boy, then: the betting odds for which party is going to win the 2008 US Presidential Election, as mapped out by those lovely people over at Paddy Power.

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Snoop Dogg And David Beckham To ‘Save Lives’ Somehow

by C J Davies

Snoop Dogg, it would seem, is getting ever more anxious to shed that bad-boy image of his.

Let’s face it: that’s going to be a tall order. After countless years of inspiring legions of lower middle class Colchester teenagers to believe that smoking the odd joint makes them ‘street’ and that their ten-year-old Vauxhall Nova is actually some sort of pimpmobile, it’s a long rocky road to salvation he faces.

So who has he dragged in to help? Which brain-bulging luminary has old Dogg decided will provide him with the best chance to turn his life around?

David Beckham, that’s who.

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Blink 182 Bloke Angry With Drinks Company

by C J Davies

Remember Blink 182? Despite only disbanding as recently as 2005 (apparently), this trio of punk-pop muppets were really big in the year 1999, which led many to believe that a global technogical meltdown at the turn of the century would have been preferable to hearing All The Small Things one more time. Alas, it wasn't [...]

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