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C J Davies

Disturbing Friday Fun: Garfield Minus Garfield

by C J Davies

Everyone has wondered at some point: what would it be like if orange cartoon cat Garfield never existed?

What do you mean, you’ve never wondered that? Yeah, right – like you’ve never considered how the Garfield comic strip would look if the primary character went missing. Yeah. Sure. Right. And, of course, you’ve never given the briefest thought as to whether Garfield’s pal Jon would therefore appear like some sort of schizophrenic. Sure. Whatever. Next you’ll be telling us that you’ve never wanted to stumble across a site where you could examine this strange Garfield-free world in all its glory. Oh, you liar. You despicable, hateful liar to end all liars.

Still. We won’t hold that against you. Your link is below.

Just tell the truth next time. Alright?

Garfield Minus Garfield

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Hollywood Hoaxer On The Loose

by C J Davies

Heard of Doug Ellin?

Don’t worry, it’s okay to admit that you haven’t. We won’t laugh at you or anything. Well, we won’t laugh at you more than we usually do.

Oh, we’re just joshing – Ellin isn’t exactly a household name. Chances are you’ll have seen the show he created, though – HBO’s quite wonderful Entourage, officially the best thing on ITV2 (which isn’t really much of an achievement, to be honest). The hit show follows a famous Hollywood actor and his hanger-on buddies, and is apparently so goshdarn inspiring that a mystery imposter is doing the rounds pretending to be Ellin himself.

Apart from doing the obvious – like, er, walking up to people, saying ‘I created Entourage’ and then looking at their slightly impressed faces – the hoaxer is now using his false identity to contact aspiring actresses and invite them to fake auditions in the hope of seducing them. Presumably by saying to them ‘hey baby, I created Entourage’ and then looking at their slightly impressed faces.

Heard of Doug Ellin? Don't worry, it's okay to admit that you haven't. We won't laugh at you or anything. Well, we won't laugh at you more than we usually do. Oh, we're just joshing - Ellin isn't exactly a household name. Chances are you'll have seen the show he created, though - HBO's quite wonderful Entourage, officially the best thing on ITV2 (which isn't really much of an achievement, to be honest). The hit show follows a famous Hollywood actor and his hanger-on buddies, and is apparently so goshdarn inspiring that a mystery imposter is doing the rounds pretending to be Ellin himself. Apart from doing the obvious - like, er, walking up to people, saying 'I created Entourage' and then looking at their slightly impressed faces - the hoaxer is now using his false identity to contact aspiring actresses and invite them to fake auditions in the hope of seducing them. Presumably by saying to them 'hey baby, I created Entourage' and then looking at their slightly impressed faces.
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Kelly Clarkson Hates The Internet

by C J Davies

The internet, eh? Sometimes it can be really annoying.

Like that time Lindsay Lohan accepted our MySpace ‘friend request.’ How was hecklerspray supposed to know that ‘friend request’ didn’t mean ‘please stand outside my house shouting inappropriate sexual slurs before being dragged off by the police in a haze of tear-gas and rubber bullets’? And don’t even get us started on that time the internet promised us a load of money from Nigeria.

Pain is only relevant, however, if shared by a celebrity. Any fool knows that. Which is why hecklerspray is particularly enamoured with Kelly Clarkson – she hates the internet too, and she’s going to tell you all about it. Well actually, we are. In a vaguely sarcastic manner. Before linking to the story itself. Come on, you know the score by now.

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Disturbing Friday Fun: Laughing Without Smiling

by C J Davies

Just take a look at these gentlemen.

Well – can you do it? Can you?

Tell you what: if any of you dear hecklers want to have a go at this, film your attempts and upload them to YouTube. Put a link to them in the comments section below, and – provided the standard is high – we may even choose a winner to take home a genuine prize. And – if enough of you do it – maybe some members of the hecklerspray staff will have a try as well.

Maybe.

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Lily Allen TV Show To Return For Some Reason

by C J Davies

Despite the initial series drawing in less viewers than The Paint Dry Update Channel on a slow news night, BBC 3 has decided to bring back TV disaster Lily Allen And Friends for a second series.

Quite what the general – and licence-paying, we might add – public has done to deserve this is anyone’s guess. Maybe the BBC has some secret plan to put us all into a coma so they can get away with showing Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps reruns all day long without anyone complaining.

Or killing themselves.

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Have A New Ladyton Song For Free, Go On

by C J Davies

Here at hecklerspray, we love Ladytron more than a sackful of Baby Jesuses.

Their albums Light And Magic and Witching Hour have contained some of the most pleasurable pop moments of the decade, so we were mightily pleased to hear that they’ve got a new album coming out: Velocifero, hitting those shelves on June 8th.

What’s that? Not convinced by our glowing endorsement of the group? Want to hear a track from the forthcoming album, do you, so that you can start putting aside the 20p per week you get from your ‘glamorous’ career in Media Sales? Well, you’re in luck.

Being the nice types they are, Ladytron have put the first track from Velocifero – a ditty entitled Black Cat – on their site for you to download. For free. And you know what? It’s a killer – all sultry glacial posturing over a set of heroin-addictive beats, exactly the stuff we cherish ‘em for.

Download Black Cat By Ladytron here

Here at hecklerspray, we love Ladytron more than a sackful of Baby Jesuses. Their albums Light And Magic and Witching Hour have contained some of the most pleasurable pop moments of the decade, so we were mightily pleased to hear that they've got a new album coming out: Velocifero, hitting those shelves on June 8th. What's that? Not convinced by our glowing endorsement of the group? Want to hear a track from the forthcoming album, do you, so that you can start putting aside the 20p per week you get from your 'glamorous' career in Media Sales? Well, you're in luck. Being the nice types they are, Ladytron have put the first track from Velocifero - a ditty entitled Black Cat - on their site for you to download. For free. And you know what? It's a killer - all sultry glacial posturing over a set of heroin-addictive beats, exactly the stuff we cherish 'em for. Download Black Cat By Ladytron here
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Madonna Will Never Perform Old Songs Again… Unless Paid Lots Of Money

by C J Davies

Ah, the old ‘I really like their early stuff’ cliche.

You make it big, you keep on doing what you do, and sooner or later people start complaining that you’re just not as good as you used to be. Surely every artist has to battle against this at some point? Woody Allen, for example, even went so far as to reference the concept in his film Stardust Memories, while we have it on good authority that the bloke from Babylon Zoo spends five hours every day crying over his framed gold disc of Spaceman, howling ‘I could have been a god’ and scaring away the postman.

You want to know who else is sick of having their early stuff dredged up again and again? Menopausal groovester Madonna, that’s who. And she’s so goshdarn annoyed that she’s never, ever, ever going to play any of her old songs ever, ever again.

Oh – unless someone gives her a shitload of money.

Ah, the old 'I really like their early stuff' cliche. You make it big, you keep on doing what you do, and sooner or later people start complaining that you're just not as good as you used to be. Surely every artist has to battle against this at some point? Woody Allen, for example, even went so far as to reference the concept in his film Stardust Memories, while we have it on good authority that the bloke from Babylon Zoo spends five hours every day crying over his framed gold disc of Spaceman, howling 'I could have been a god' and scaring away the postman. You want to know who else is sick of having their early stuff dredged up again and again? Menopausal groovester Madonna, that's who. And she's so goshdarn annoyed that she's never, ever, ever going to play any of her old songs ever, ever again. Oh - unless someone gives her a shitload of money.
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Peaches Geldof Even Less Talented Than Initially Thought

by C J Davies

Hecklerspray has never been a fan of live gigs. They’re always full of those things we hate. You know what we mean, right? They’re all over the place wherever you look. What are they called again? Oh – that’s it. People.

We’re sometimes a bit more tolerant, however. If we’re out to see a band or performer we have genuine admiration and respect for, then we’re nothing but a bundle of joy and happiness all night long. Bearing that rule in mind, it’s probably a good thing that we were nowhere near The Hospital bar in Covent Garden on Tuesday night, as an event took place that would have seen us embark on a rage-filled, blood-splattered frenzy of which that man with the big gun from Predator would have been proud.

Peaches Geldof played a gig.

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Winona Ryder Up To Wacky Shoplifting Antics Again

by C J Davies

Shoplifting has always been a part of human culture, ever since Zog The Caveman got caught stealing mammoth tooth necklaces from the jewellery counter in Flinty McGinty’s Wonderful World Of Weird Neanderthal Shit.

It was only with the 2002 trial of Winona Ryder, however, that shoplifting truly became a worldwide phenomenon.

Why? Because Ryder gave the genre that all-important celebrity endorsement, that’s why. And – as we all know – if a celebrity does something, then it instantly becomes ten million billion times more fashionable and impressive. That’s the reason for all those George Formby tribute bands coming together the nation over, now that the Arctic Monkeys have pioneered the movement.

For those of you unaware of dear Noni’s past exploits, she was caught six years back walking out of a Beverly Hills clothes store with $3,000 worth of unpaid-for clothing. For a moment she actually tried claiming that she was ‘researching for a role’, before abandoning that approach when she realised it was the worst excuse since John Wayne Gacy said that the 27 guys underneath the crawlspace were just ‘having a nap’.

You would think – after being sentenced to three years probation and 480 hours community service – that she had learnt her lesson, wouldn’t you? Weeeelll … you’d be wrong.

Shoplifting has always been a part of human culture, ever since Zog The Caveman got caught stealing mammoth tooth necklaces from the jewellery counter in Flinty McGinty's Wonderful World Of Weird Neanderthal Shit. It was only with the 2002 trial of Winona Ryder, however, that shoplifting truly became a worldwide phenomenon. Why? Because Ryder gave the genre that all-important celebrity endorsement, that's why. And - as we all know - if a celebrity does something, then it instantly becomes ten million billion times more fashionable and impressive. That's the reason for all those George Formby tribute bands coming together the nation over, now that the Arctic Monkeys have pioneered the movement. For those of you unaware of dear Noni's past exploits, she was caught six years back walking out of a Beverly Hills clothes store with $3,000 worth of unpaid-for clothing. For a moment she actually tried claiming that she was 'researching for a role', before abandoning that approach when she realised it was the worst excuse since John Wayne Gacy said that the 27 guys underneath the crawlspace were just 'having a nap'. You would think - after being sentenced to three years probation and 480 hours community service - that she had learnt her lesson, wouldn't you? Weeeelll ... you'd be wrong.
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Keith Richards: ‘Amy Winehouse Will Be Dead Soon’

by C J Davies

Sometimes you’ve just got to stop and take stock.

If a Formula One driver tutted and shook his head at you as you sped through a housing estate, for example, you’d probably think it a wise move to step off the accelerator. On a similar note, if Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards – a man who has ingested more drugs than six generations of lab monkeys – told you that you were dabbling in the ol’ excess a bit too much, you’d give serious thought to putting the crackpipe down.

It remains to be seen whether Amy Winehouse will curb her naughty druggy activities, however. Keith Richards, you see, has revealed that – while Amy is the only modern pop star he actually admires – she’ll more than likely be pushing up the daisies before too long unless she gives those narcotics a rest.

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