This just in: Slumdog Millionaire is no longer the best feel-good movie about police brutality, torture and facial disfigurement.
Toy Story 3 has it all and more besides. Brainwashing: check. Gambling dens and internet chat rooms: check, check. Anal rape: that’ll be a check. Mr Potatohead gets taken so hard from behind that his eyes pop out. “Hey kids, it’s all part of the rich tapestry of life”, will be the words on Daily Mail-reading parents’ lips up and down the land.
This being a Disney film, you can be fairly sure that things are going to work out before the credits roll. There are a few shocks along the way, though. To see these toys’ plastic eyes widen as they wait for death to engulf them, it’s hard to imagine a more lucid way to explain to little Tarquin what happened to Granny at the crematorium.
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If you’re of a certain age – say, between four and forty – it’s likely that your moral compass was calibrated by a bunch of hairy freaks, elbow deep in the hindquarters of some hairier freaks.
Yes, Sesame Street not only taught us how to count. It taught us how to love and respect one another.
But as we get older and realise that the world is basically shit and all people are dicks, Kermit and chums refuse to grow up. They’re just so happy and adorable, it almost makes you believe that the world isn’t screwed after all. We’ll always have Ms. Spears to remind us of humanity’s squalid plight, but perhaps it’s about time those puppets took off their rose-tinted glasses. So while we wait for Big Bird and Mr Snuffleupagus to discover frotting, we’ll have to make do with BBC Three’s new comedy Mongrels. Billed as an adult puppet sitcom, it takes the basic premise of Avenue Q – swearing puppets are funny – and runs with it.
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This just in: Slumdog Millionaire is no longer the best feel-good movie about police brutality, torture and facial disfigurement. 
