Bored of sitting on their arses in separate palaces, eating swan pate and beating servants, the Queen, Kate Middleton and Camilla Parker Bowles decided to go on a raucous girls’ night out at Fortnum & Mason’s, where they ate indestructible biscuits, and Kate practiced her bending down to smile at children skills.
Once inside, away from the cameras, we can only assume that various nubile members of Fortnums staff were forced to strip naked and throw foie gras at each other while the royal wenches laughed and laughed.
All wearing blue jackets to cover their crudely printed “Windsor Gals ON THA LASH!” t-shirts, they embarked on a short meet and greet where Kate Middleton smiled at literally four or five carefully selected cute children, and Camilla managed to go ten minutes without actually snarling at anyone, which is nice.
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Hipstamatic crumpet Benedict Cumberbatch, who is beloved by all because he plays Sherlock like he has Aspergers, and sort of looks a bit like a dragon, has apparently been getting all horizontal and sweaty with model Lydia Hearst, whose mum robbed a bank in the ‘70s.
Lydia is one of those people with an infinitely exciting family history: her mum did the aforementioned bank robbery following her kidnapping and indoctrination at the hands of the Symbionese Liberation Army, and her great great granddad was basically the inspiration for Citizen Kane.
Having not actually seen Citizen Kane, we can only go off hearsay and assume that this means Lydia’s gramps really liked his sleigh, or something.
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Since proving last week that she is perfectly capable of walking, talking and waving unaided by more than a medium-sized entourage Kate Middleton, the new Princess of Hearts, has been really earning her keep.
Walking, talking and waving is such super super hard work, make no mistake. Our Kate, Princess of Hearts, won’t have anyone saying she’s lazy and workshy: she took photos of her parents’ balloons once and don’t you forget it, you worthless scumbag single mother prole.
Kate’s recent solo walking, talking and waving mission took her to a school in Cambridge, where she also demonstrated some serious bending down and smiling at kids skills. And get this; she was doing it in a cheap dress! That’s right, she got her dress in the sales, just like a common person! It was only £162.50, and what can you get for £162.50 nowadays? Practically nothing (except, you know, food for a family of four for a week). Well done, Kate, for being so thrifty!
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In the latest “they’re just like us, you know” news, George Clooney has given an interview to The Hollywood Reporter, where he grumbles on and on like an interminable granddad who has no compunction making a story about chutney go on for twenty minutes without even a whisper of punchline.
We’re not sure why we’re surprised, really. He is 50 after all, and no matter how many money-shakes he drinks or money-shoes he wears, he’s still going to end his day weeping softly into a pair of perfect model-boobs.
So we should all feel very very sorry for him. Very sorry indeed. Poor old Clooney.
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Last year, Manchester’s celeb-spotters were given a new face to follow round the shops and tweet pictures of, a real proper Hollywood-films-and-that face: Chloe Sevigny. She was filming an American telly show where she plays a pre-op transsexual who is also a hired assassin.
Look at us, all grown up, refusing to make LOL transsexual jokes or point out that assassin has the word ‘ass’ in it TWO TIMES!
Oh…anyway. On with the tale of hate.
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In news that will shock all right-thinking people, and leave the Beckhams kicking themselves that they didn’t think of it first, Beyonce and Jay-Z are attempting to trademark their baby’s name, Blue Ivy.
We’re not sure if we’re allowed to even write ‘Blue Ivy’ without giving them some sort of remuneration, actually…
Following two unsuccessful attempts by money-grubbing opportunists to trademark Blue Ivy, the ludicrous couple have filed a patent application with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to protect it, in the process managing to look really, really arrogant and a bit mental.
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