Randy Figgins - HecklerSpray

Meat Loaf Foresees His Own Death (By Chocolate)

March 1st, 2012 By Randy Figgins

For a fella who is so famously porky that he names himself after an unhealthy brick of assorted meat he’s managed to beat death a surprising number of times. Now, Meat Loaf has announced that he knows exactly when he’s going to kark it.

Mr Loaf’s premonition occurred pulled out of Loose Women.? Which if you think about, may explain why they are now loose. Fat-bloke-shagging-old-women jokes aside, Meat did fully intend on making an appearance on ITV’s menopause support group.? He was shown mucking about in the Green Room as the show opened.

He looked pale, sweaty and dancing badly with a banana on his head.? Which, banana aside is how he’s always looked.? Apart from when he’s has Edward Norton stuck in his cleavage.? Minutes later Pork Chop announced he was feeling unwell and would not be appearing on the show.? It has not been announced what was wrong, but we suspect being in close proximity to fruit caused a shock reaction of some kind.

WEBTHUMP! 29th February 2012

August 6th, 2012 By Randy Figgins

Hold on to your wizard robes, we’re riding the magical flying unicorn into battle on the plains of Interwebtopia!? A rich plunder awaits our marauding hordes.? There’s the mighty gnome tower of ThatisprobablyillegalinMalaysia, the verdant fields of Disgustingbutimustkeepwatching and the deep dark valleys of Howmanygirlsandhowmanycups.

All the best treasures of the rich and varied Interwebtopia shall be piled at the high altar at Castle hecklerspray and we can all rejoice as King Mof eats a baby.

EATS A BABY!

Dappy Burbles About Olly Murs Not Being Good At Noise Making

February 28th, 2012 By Randy Figgins

Dappy, that guy in the silly hat from that crap hip-pop lot that we’ve all forgotten about has opened his mouth again.? This time he managed to form words rather than just a bubble of saliva.

The prat in the hat from N-Dubz has decided that Olly Murs’ voice isn’t up to the Dappy Gold Standard.

Dappy, who is probably not a classically trained musician with a pitch perfect ear for the human voice, summed up Olly Murs rise to mediocrity as less than pleasing to his particular tastes.? We’re not always able to understand Dappy’s peculiar cockney-gangster-semi-literate ramblings but this one seems pretty damning of poor Olly; “Bloomin’ hell, Olly Murs needs to learn how to sing, boy”.

WEBTHUMP! 22 Feb 2012

August 7th, 2012 By Randy Figgins

Yay! It’s that time again! When you all gather round the fireplace and listen to Uncle Randy amaze you with tales of life on the Good Ship hecklerspray, chasing flaxen haired maidens and hunting an elusive catch on the wide, wild web.

Well, maybe not.? You’ll sit there gormlessly scanning through the list for words like ‘boobs’ or ‘axe wielding re-animated corpse’ depending on your sexual preferences. Meanwhile we’ll go back to sipping our pint of Toilet Duck and mumbling about ‘mutineers’ and ‘thar she blows’.

So let’s get this over with, our pint is getting warm.? We’ve once again spent hours gazing into our crystal ball and rattling our runes to bring you 10 of the web’s least disappointing pages. ?THAR SHE BLOWS!

Channel 5 Gleefully Urinate On Whitney Houston’s Freshly Filled Grave

February 20th, 2012 By Randy Figgins

No doubt we’ll be getting a lot of angry letters about that headline.? So we’ll ask you to read it again.? Channel 5.? Not us.? All members of hecklerspray are perfectly potty trained and respectful of burial rights.

Alas, someone at Britain’s 5 most popular bog standard telly channel let slip a bit of ‘oopsie’ in the form of two very badly matched adverts.? It could be a truly tragic error, or it could be the work of a moustache twirling baddie switching tapes around before tying young women to railway tracks.

Whatever, you’ll probably blame it all on us anyway.

WEBTHUMP! 15 Feb 2012

August 7th, 2012 By Randy Figgins

God’s nicely pressed trousers! It’s that time again.? When we drag you away from furiously masturbating over letsknit.co.uk to guide you through the World Wide Weird.?

So put down the Kleenex for just a moment, let us hold your crusty mitts and shush your deranged mumblings about ‘beatutiful angora sets’ and gawp in awe at the world outside…online.

Shut up and read on.

WEBTHUMP! 8 Feb 2012

August 7th, 2012 By Randy Figgins

Fresh from its victorious sinking of the Tumblr Trawler, Webthump is here to receive your adulation!

Well, not quite.? We’ve donned our fisherman’s waders to have a carcinogenic? rummage? in the foetid,?elbow-deep cesspool that is the Internet.? All to bring you something to gawp at while fondling your shriveled genitals.? We could have been doing something useful with our time, like whittling voodoo dolls of Russell ‘new relationship’ Brand from old lolly sticks.

From the congealed masses of pornography and dead Myspace pages we’ve managed to dredge up a few sparkling gems of entertainment.? We’ve brought you 10 of the best, worst and weirdest that mankind’s collective intelligence can vomit up.

Robert Pattinson States The Insultingly Obvious For Everyone!

February 8th, 2012 By Randy Figgins

He’s got creepy beady eyes and the skin tone of a bad waxwork model.? And the expressive acting of a bad wax work model.? And always seems to be standing awkwardly… like a bad wax work model.

Robert Pattinson, human or wax work, is mind bogglingly famous, the sort of famous that makes teenage girls soil themselves in excited glee at the sound of his name.? Which is odd for someone so incredibly dull.

Showing himself to be surprisingly aware of the world outside of his corner Madame Tussauds Pattinson has made the least shocking revelation ever to make headlines.? The statement also runs the risk of bursting his own fame bubble as his fans realise just how unremarkable he his.? Unremarkable and likely to melt in hot conditions.

Daniel Radcliffe Metaphorically Beaten With Sticks To Represent Very Real Rejection

February 6th, 2012 By Randy Figgins

The world used to love Daniel Radcliffe.? For he was Harry Potter.?From when he was just a sperm to when he sprouted his first pube Radcliffe made a spectacular living from swanning about shouting dodgy Latin while pointing a twig at things.? And we gobbled it up like the suckers we are.

But no more!

The world has got together and decided to take a giant steaming dump of rejection on Radcliffe’s snowy white shag-pile carpet of self worth.? WE DON’T LOVE YOU ANY MORE MR WIZARD!

Front Side Of Ant McPartlin’s Face Meets Boney Part Of Man’s Hand

March 10th, 2011 By Randy Figgins

Is there anything more delightful of an evening than a beer and some unwarranted violence?? Of course not, it’s what makes us British.? Tea, banging on nostalgically about the blitz and fighting in pubs, are as quintessentially British as having Prince Charles play national anthem on a kazoo while you shave a Union Jack into your pubic hair. Rule Britannia!

Something else quintessentially British is Ant and Dec.? No other country in the world would embrace a couple of midgets from the third world (Newcastle) whose main talent seem to be that you can never figure out which is which.

Although, we’re going to have to figure it out now.