Heidi Pratt and her husband with a flesh-coloured beard, Spencer Pratt, are making the world’s least threatening threat.

The couple – full of their usual annoying shenanigans and fakery – are pitching the world’s least watchable reality show.

Not content with blighting the world three minutes at a time to a Natasha Bedingfield soundtrack, the gruesome twosome now think it would be a larf to have a reality show entirely their own.

Being a tween heartthrob doesn’t require all that much brain power. It absolutely requires cheeks worthy of pinching and a personality so adorable it could make people’s brains melt out of their ears. Nowhere in theTween Hunk 101 handbook does it teach you to keep any and all mental defects to yourself.

Taylor Lautner is struggling. Bless his tiny movie-making cotton socks. We don’t mean struggling, as in working out which trouser leg to put on first. Or even struggling to work out which blonde haired singing star is his girlfriend, out of the sea of thousands of beauties just like her. Actually –…

Lindsay Lohan is rather attached to her Twitter account. Attached in a way one should never become attached to a social network. Attached like a chocoholic to their very last Rolo, if you will.

The star can often be found on Twitter taking utter leave of her senses. That is to assume that she had any senses to begin with, but there are only so many hours in a day and we have to start somewhere.

She tells Twitter her intimate secrets. She shares her hopes and fears. She uses ellipses and exclamation marks in a manner that suggests she fears…

Kerry Katona is no longer being compensated for work in the form of slightly-past-their-best fish fingers. She’s a fancy celebrity type, and as such she can demand legal tender for her public appearances.

According to a report from the weekend, Kerry’s not worth much. Only £50. Well, that’s pretty much in line with her early Iceland fees. Her body weight in frozen goods from that place can’t be worth more than £50, surely.

To clarify our oddly-worded defence of Sienna Miller – she has been downgraded in the US media to ‘Less Promiscuous Than The New York Times Thought’.

We don’t hate Sienna Miller, much. Not really. She seems like a nice enough girl, whom you and a few of your mates could have fun with at the pub or wherever else the night takes you.

In all seriousness, sort of, Sienna has been labelled as all kinds of nasty things by papers in the US and the UK. There’s some clearing up to be done. The New York Times points the finger of blame at the…

OK, so perhaps the title of this post is a little too strong. Perhaps we are speaking out of turn. Or perhaps we are just flat out wrong, in our assertions about the more annoying of the two Gosselins (and it’s a tough call). Maybe Jon Gosselin is a stand up guy, with a full head of hair, who loves the his eight children and his ex-wife.

Yeah, we know. We couldn’t hold in the chuckles even when writing the above.

Jon Gosselin struggles with how insufferable he is. Well, he makes us all suffer with his douchery. He insists on appearing…

Colin Farrell has always been rather oddly labelled as a ladies’ man. He may get around enough for all of Ireland but calling him a ladies’ man seems rather a misnomer.

He’s a 33-year-old working actor – sure – but it seems his best work is behind him. He’s somewhere around three feet tall – we’re guessing. And, most importantly, he is a boyfriend to some unfortunate soul.

Colin also happens to be a father too, but a gaggle of babies does little-to-nothing to keep the more blood-thirsty groupies at bay. You know, like having three heads, three arms, or even three…

Madonna is said to be considering getting married to her 22-year-old partner, Jesus Luz. Yes, you heard us.

In a series of rather comical coincidences – that you could not make up unless you were hell-bent on being labelled a heathen – the queen of the baby-snatchers is rumoured to wish to marry her child boyfriend.

Not that we’re judging, mind you. This is ruddy Madonna we’re talking about. Let’s face it, short of long-division, there’s nothing that she cannot do. Except wear trousers. And not grind her hip bones into a fine powder, as she dry humps her dancers in every…