Amy Grindhouse - HecklerSpray

Megan Fox Might Be Upset That She Was Caught Cheating. Maybe.

July 13th, 2011 By Amy Grindhouse

We’re more scared of lawyers than we are of spiders – so we’re going to tread carefully, all the while shrieking and flapping like a bunch of hysterical women if any of us sees an actual spider. It’s being reported that the wandering lady garden of Megan Fox bad touched Shia LaBeouf for a whole six months while they were filming together. And, it’s further alleged it’s ruining Megan’s marriage.

Backing up a little, for clarity and because someone needs to hoover under our feet, their tryst first began on the set of Alien Robots Smash Things.

It would appear, at the behest of director Michael Bay, the 20-somethings pretended to fancy each other and that turned into sleeping together.

Jesse James Is Sorry You’re So Sensitive About Cheating

July 6th, 2011 By Amy Grindhouse

Jesse James is still talking about how he cheated on Sandra Bullock a year ago. It behooves him to talk about betraying his ex-wife for the sake of his book sales. So, his current book tour includes belated apologies and indignant admissions of guilt. However, you may be interested to know, any wrongdoing on his part is in the eye of the beholder and Jesse is only sorry that you’re so sensitive.

There are probably no innocent parties here and we don’t know the full story. There were two people in that relationship.

Until there were suddenly seven more people and Jesse was having sex with all of them. It took two of them to break-up the relationship. Which is, incidentally, roughly how many strippers with whom he cheated.

Hugh Hefner Surely Invented A Cloning Machine

June 29th, 2011 By Amy Grindhouse

Hugh Hefner has invented a cloning machine. We’re presupposing as much because yet another girlfriend has been added to Hugh’s arsenal of glorified ladies of the night. Ever heard of November 2011 Playboy Playmate Shera Bechard? No? Us neither.

A little too old for his tastes, we think, Shera is the 27-year-old new girlfriend of the 85-year-old smut-peddler. Yes, that’s another one since last Monday when he confirmed that Anne Sophie Berglund and the Shannon twins were back in his harem.

In what reads like the world’s most convoluted ploy for publicity, Hugh has used the break-up with Crystal Harris to pimp his forthcoming Playboy issues and the latest non-descript blonde who’s going to age out within a year.

Heidi Montag Nearly Popped Her Inflatables Working Out 14-Hours-A-Day

June 22nd, 2011 By Amy Grindhouse

The lies with which Heidi Montag is filled are the softest known to man. So, when you give her a squeeze, you can’t tell she’s fake. Realising that her star has lost its luster, Heidi has taken to flat-out embellishing about her disfigured form in order to remain in the media. And, because we’re a giving bunch, we’re going to oblige my mocking her.

Heidi hasn’t been in the news much, for the better part of a year. The last thing she really did was mutilate herself, of her own free will, on the operating table, while bemused photographers from an American magazine watched on. Pretty much, that was the last thing she did, except fake a divorce and fake the release of a sex tape, to keep herself in the tabloids.

It’s a pretty sad state of affairs that that’s what it takes to remain on television. At least the Kardashians were willing to take one in the eye for the team and be a little more open about their lack of talent. It’s the smoke, mirrors and subterfuge that’s bothersome with Heidi.

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley Has Magical Lips. Yes, Really

June 15th, 2011 By Amy Grindhouse

We’re going to start this off by dragging your collective minds out of the gutter… we mean the lips on her face. Anyone who thought different will be made to sit and write 1,000 lines, with an also-ostracised Editor Mof Gimmers.

Explaining why her breasts were cast to offset the bombastic and yet somehow monotonous and threadbare work of Michael Bay, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley has spoken about the facial features that got her bullied in secondary school.

It’s going to be a long summer filled with less-than-special effects and poorly-implemented 3D that’s going to make you whimper for something lower tech. A few of this season’s films look especially ropey on the old effects there; The Green Lantern and Captain America among the worst. As not even boys can suffer through 120 minutes of explosions, all of these films are going to have bonus boobs. Boobs, attached to some pretty-but-interchangeable woman, who’s onscreen intermittently to remind you there is a God.

It’s Your Fault Paris Hilton Lost Her Star Power. And For That, We Thank You.

June 8th, 2011 By Amy Grindhouse

First things first. We’re using ‘star power’ in its loosest of meanings. As loose as a certain part of Paris Hilton’s very anatomy, you might say. She had some strange kind of fame that was based on a filthy tape that was meant to be sent to a nature channel but some perverts packaged it as another kind of tape – we’ll have you know, nature channels the world over are still feeling the loss.

Last week, Paris upped her promotional obligations ahead of the debut of her latest reality show. Appearing on show after show, Paris never seemed to realise that her original fans from a decade ago had aged out and had already moved on to Law & Order reruns.

Even appearing with her mother, who co-stars on the show, didn’t endear Paris to her audience.

Katie Price’s Love Weighs Heavily On Us All

June 1st, 2011 By Amy Grindhouse

In an ouroboros circle of narcissism that’s going to be the reason the universe implodes in on itself in 2012, Katie Price has been spotted with ankle ink that would appear to mark the date she met her latest boyfriend. Which would be fine. Except she’s been dating this latest guy for all of three months and change.

Katie and boyfriend-of-the week, Leandro Penna, have been spending time together since February. This February. The February during which everyone else was getting knocked-up or getting married.

Okay, okay. Maybe meeting and instantly falling in love with some bloke she just tripped over in the street is the lesser of those evils. So long as her womb stays empty and she doesn’t sprint down the aisle again, we’re not going to fight her on this one.

Justin Bieber Makes Creepy Perfume That Smells Like Peed On Sheets

May 25th, 2011 By Amy Grindhouse

Justin Bieber is really making it too easy to make jokes about him at this point. With a preternaturally smooth face that screams androgyny as much as it does ‘Please slap me,’ he’s released everything from nail polish to a women’s scent. If, by ‘women,’ he meant the people who paid for their tickets to see his movie entirely in 10 pence pieces.

The only thing slightly more preposterous than the release of quite so many concurrent women’s products is that book and movie deal – with so many trips to rehab and love children with other people’s wives under his belt, heck, he’s got one story to tell.

Except, oh. None of that ever happened. His entire story is based on closet lesbianism and a stupid shiny face. Nothing more.

Made In Chelsea: As Badly-Staged As It Is Badly-Acted

May 18th, 2011 By Amy Grindhouse

This may come as a shock to people used to the gritty realism of documentaries like Eastenders, Coronation Street, and Strictly Come Dancing – but it’s pretty much all smoke and mirrors. Even the bits that look really real, like the copious twirling. It’s all staged and you’re being played like a fiddle.

There’s a show that’s two episodes in, called Made in Chelsea. It’s basically The Only Way is Essex but with more-abrasive accents and less fake tan. The show centres around the entirely contrived lives of a group of people we’re no longer convinced even know each other.

Let’s start at the beginning – the show follows wealthy 20-somethings as they walk around Chelsea in circles, occasionally making passive-aggressive remarks toward each other. Producers fill any awkward gaps with scenery or shots of the cast wishing they were somewhere else. An hour long show contains about 30 minutes of the cast, mouths agape and struggling to find some witty put down for the asshole who crossed their paths while wearing Topshop.

Lindsay Lohan To Be Visitor Of The Britney Spears Prison Of Awesome ™

May 11th, 2011 By Amy Grindhouse

Lindsay Lohan will probably receive no real punishment for allegedly stealing a $2,500 necklace – even though there were multiple witnesses and there’s surveillance video of the entire thing. Instead of going to prison on a theft charge, she’s going to be the first official visitor of the Britney Spears Prison Of Awesome ™.

We’re a little bitter, if we’re honest. We spent all last week, in shifts, trying desperately to get arrested for something. Anything. We even held someone’s pet gerbil for ransom. Yet, nothing.

We’re bloody free and have to suffer the indignity of peeing in a toilet rather than a hole in the floor in front of two dozen other people. In case you’re wondering where that sobbing is coming from, yes, that’s us.