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Bad luck. Everyone gets bad luck. However, there are some people who are desperately unlucky and get barrows of misfortune after living the high life. Once you get to the top, there’s an awfully long way to drop.
And sometimes, bad luck is tied in with good luck. Look at King Midas. Everything he touched turned to gold, which means that, should he jump into a swimming pool, all the water would turn solid, leaving him with a broken jaw. Probably.
So what about those with the Reverse Midas Touch?
Rapping isn’t easy. Your average hip-hop track has an album’s worth of words, which across the whole of a hip-hop long player, is an astonishing amount of lyrics and themes to tackle. The best switch between styles, influenced by reggae toasters, jazz scats and some even invent their own envelope to push.
However, there’s a whole host of really rotten rappers out there who spit the prose in the most clunky, rhythmless manner. It’s pretty bad when you, a bona fide hip hop superstar, can be outrapped by The Anfield Rap.
No matter though! You would-be superstars of hip hop need not worry because we have a list of dreadful MCs to look at so you can learn from their mistakes. Avoid what they do, and you could be the next Tyler the Creator or Rakim!
You didn’t forget did you? There’s a Royal Wedding on tomorrow and our editor Mof Gimmers and staunch Scot Michael Park will be liveblogging events with Super Kris manning the twitter account.
We’re as sick of it as you are, but hopefully, we’ll be funny/nasty/libellous/overcome with emotion at it all. So join us or we’ll set the Michael Jackson fans on you.
Three. It’s a special number isn’t it? It is saucier than two, despite people saying that it’s a ‘crowd’. What the devil is wrong with a crowd? Nothing. Crowds are fun. Anyway, there’s a plethora of fine trios in the world which make us very happy.
And why are we talking about threesomes (stop being dirty)? Well, Lucozade have a film/adspot out called ‘YES’ which features the trio of Travis Barker, Tinie Tempah and Katie Taylor
Two of them make a racket while the other shadowboxes like she’s the GZA from Wu Tang Clan. Doing a rousing reworking of ‘Simply Unstoppable’, they got us thinking of the ace trios that exist in the world.
Remember those Evian babies? They skated, danced and clung onto a wire mesh fence like they were performing adults… in nappies? Remember those guys? Well, they’re back – kinda – with a new dance routine, only this time, with adult heads.
Okay, that might sound a bit terrifying, but this isn’t some kind of Fly-style experiment gone wrong.
Rather, the babies are appearing in stop-frame animation and are looking for co-stars. That means you could appear with some gyrating toddlers. That’s right! All your dreams will come true!
Remember the lady, falling from an aeroplane while a voice screamed “WHOOOOOAAA! BODYFORM! BODYFORM FOR YOOOOOU!” Remember? Of course you do. It was one of the most iconic commercials of the ’90s.
Well, if you’ve ever sang along and figured that you’d be a really great Bodyform singer, there’s some good news for you!
That’s right! You can compete with presumably lesser mortals and sing your little lungs out and become the voice of ladies sanitary products! And who didn’t allow themselves the chance to dream about that opportunity at some point in their life, huh?
Even though Bob Geldof and Bono may go on with themselves like they have single handedly solved the problem of Africa (that’d be famine and debt, rather than them generally not liking the whole continent), the fact remains that there are still huge problems out there.
Of course, in the Western world, we have our own problems too. Slow internet connections, updates on our computers, a lack of signal for our mobile phones and, of course, the fact that we’re all hugely obese and all joining the type 2 diabetes club.
However, amongst these two main problems is a solution. You can donate your fat to the malnourished people of Africa, thereby saving their lives and making us look beautiful and thin. And really, really smug.
‘Never trust a man with a beard’, states the old adage. This is particularly true of our listless editor, Mof Gimmers, who you can see here, modelling one of hecklerspray‘s wonderful t-shirts in the ‘spray bedsit. Unfortunate looking sod isn’t he?
Well, if you’d like to see him getting some hilarious plastic surgery, leaving him looking like Jocelyn Wildenstein, then start buying our many t-shirts. There’s Leslie Nielsen tributes, pandas and ponies, Beatle jokes and, of course, Dr Conrad Murray’s favourite shirt, ‘I Killed Michael Jackson’. AND MORE.
