The third of January, the calm before the storm. London almost seems dead quiet for a change. As we gently recover from all the joys of the festive season, a friend comes to town to visit, thankfully prising this writer off the couch and away from the post New Year’s eve comedown.

We’re looking for something, small, fun, and random – to complete his day in the big smoke. The NME listings provide little inspiration, but then that ever-present thing called thelondonpaper actually saves our night. Who knew? We make a mental note to remember this serendipitous occasion after a name on the listings jumps out at our well-informed compadre. “Oh look, it’s Eats Tapes, that electro duo from San Fransisco!”

Raise your glasses ‘cos the bitch is back.

You can’t keep a good hellraiser down. According to reports, Sharon Osbourne turned up on set of The Sharon Osbourne Show drunk yesterday. Luckily Sharon Osbourne had a killer excuse for being so hopelessly drunk:

“I’m pissed, but it’s my birthday.”

That’s right, yesterday was Sharon’s 54th. We wonder if she got her alcohol from Asda.

Still, at least we know that under all of those baggy nylon jumpers beats the heart of old hellraiser we know and love. We’re told that Sharon frequently exclaimed “Oh fuck, I made a mistake” throughout filming – some would argue that making the show was a mistake, but we’ll not dwell on that. We bet that’s the most entertainment her studio audience have had in a long time.

Normally The Sharon Osbourne Show is dullness incarnate and we get the sinking feeling that the producers of the show will edit all of Sharon’s wobbly drunken behaviour down to the normal boring crap. Such a pity. The show will be aired at 5pm tonight.

Tea time television would be so much more entertaining if presenters turn up pissed, don’t you think? Can you imagine the carnage if Richard and Judy were allowed to knock back absinthe in the Green Room? Television GOLD!

Sharon Osbourne’s Destructo Boozeathon The Sharon Osbourne Show will be broadcast tonight at 5pm. If any of you geeks manage to get a drunken Sharon Osbourne outburst captured on YouTube and quickly leave the link as a comment, we’ll send you a paltry token of our appreciation.

Read more:

Sharon Osbourne Hosts Talk Show While Drunk – Starpulse

Well, it’s official. We’ve all been wrong about Paris Hilton. She isn’t the oversexed, wonky-eyed rumpy-pumpy punter we all though she was. In fact, Paris Hilton is really a shining example of innocence.

Paris Hilton recently told British GQ magazine that she’s swearing off sex for the next year – and she’s also made another fine admission; that she’s only ever had sex with two men. Which our office calculator works out as a 50% actual sex/internet sex hit-rate, and for that Paris Hilton should be heartily congratulated.

Paris Hilton
Stars Are Blind
Wea

Paris Hilton – heiress, Heat staple, (home) movie star – has been threatening to launch a singing career for almost two years now. In fact, the Paris album had become something of an urban legend, even starting to rival the age-old rumour that Jamie Lee Curtis is actually, y’know, a hairy great fella. So it comes as a bit of a surprise in July 2006 to find her peddling a rather lovely slice of sun-soaked, pissed-on-the-beach reggae pop. So what if Stars Are Blind bears more than a passing resemblance to reggae classic Kingston Town? So what if her vocal performance is the least convincing since Patsy Kensit trilled her way through I’m Not Scared? And so what if her upcoming cover of Do Ya Think I’m Sexy is enough to have us waking up in a cold sweat begging for a Lisa Scott-Lee comeback? Right now Stars Are Blind is the perfect summer pop single, and we’re not ashamed to admit that we’re bloody loving it.

All kinds of funky-ass singles reviews after the jump, from Boy Kill Boy, Raconteurs, The Hedrons, TV On The Radio, The Common Redstarts, Frank, The Horrors and Panic! At The Disco…

Madonna
Get Together
Warner

“Do you believe in love at first sight? It’s an illusion; I don’t care,” is a fairly inane pop lyric but, surrounded by the pulsating Gallic disco of Get Together, it sounds utterly life-affirming. The third single from Madonna’s Career Salvation on a Dancefloor album – released to coincide with the European leg of her arena-raping tour – recalls Stardust’s Music Sounds Better With You thanks to its thumping bass line and transcendent, arms-in-the-air chorus. Sexual icon, queen of the dancefloor, H&M designer: is there nothing Mrs Ritchie can’t do?*

*Except, of course, act.

Brace yourself for a veritable attack of singles reviews, from Pet Shop Boys, Forward, Russia, Snow Patrol, Ray Lamontagne and Christina Aguilera, all after the jump…

McFly
Please Please
Universal

McFly’s cheeky chappie amiability has taken them a long way. Two chart-topping albums, eight top ten singles and a role in a Hollywood film isn’t bad going for a band that’s never come close to matching Busted’s charisma and ear for melody. New single Please Please namechecks the boys’ Just My Luck co-star Lindsay Lohan – well, you gotta keep that Did She Really Shag The Drummer rumour alive somehow, don’t you? – and wears its 50s rock ‘n’ roll influences on its sleeve. It’s as pert and perfectly-formed as Lohan’s buttocks but, unfortunately, as memorable as her role in Herbie Fully Loaded. Next time around, boys, why don’t you try writing something that doesn’t sound as though it belongs in a Happy Days prom scene?

And after the jump, more singles reviews from Rihanna, Gnarls Barkley, She Wants Revenge, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Performance, James Morrison and Gary Numan. You’re welcome…

Rogue Traders
Voodoo Child
BMG

You know Izzy from Neighbours, right? The tart without a heart who split up Ramsay Street’s golden couple Karl and Susan? Well, even if you don’t, you’ve doubtless spotted her killer cleavage while flicking over from a dull segment about war postcards on Richard and Judy. Anyway, the actress who plays this legendary bitch – Natalie Bassingthwaighte, we believe they call her – is now fronting Aussie electro-rock band Rogue Traders. Trivia fans might like to know they’ve just scored a triple platinum album over in Strewth-Mate-Put-Some-More-Shrimps-On-The-Barbie-Land. Voodoo Child is a dirty great slab of dance-rock, built around a re-recorded riff from Elvis Costello’s Pump It Up, and properly sold by a persuasively hammy vocal from Bassingthwaighte. Like one of those hand-held fans you get in Woolies, it’s cheap, disposable and absolutely essential this summer.

More singles reviews after the jump, you lucky bleeders, from Jim Noir, Shayne Ward, Shack, Webb Sisters, Mogwai, Tapes n’ Tapes, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah and Dirty Pretty Things…

The Pipettes
Pull Shapes
Memphis Industries

“I just wanna move; I don’t care what the song’s about” is perhaps the best pop lyric ever. Or, if we’re being more precise, the most pop pop lyric ever. Such a perfect distillation of that sticky old liquor we call popular music is what we’ve come to expect from Brighton’s Pipettes – equal parts polka dots, hands-on-hips sex appeal and endless legs – who cracked the top forty in April with the 60s doo-wop channelling Your Kisses Are Wasted On Me. New single Pull Shapes is almost as good: a veritable hat-stand of hooks, a great girl-group melody and some lovely melodramatic strings to add to the period charm. Listen, swoon and then buy that polka dot tie.

There’s more; oh, there’s more. Singles reviews for Lily Allen, Razorlight, Paolo Nutini, Jamie T and George Michael all after the jump…