You know what women love? Comic book superheroes. That’s women all over, isn’t it? – noses forever buried in graphic novels, absently scratching their privates through their sweatpants.
And men! Are they ever going to get enough of that Ryan Reynolds character? Cinemas are FULL of typical men swooning whenever Ryan Reynolds drops a signature witticism (“What?” or “Hi”), then going all quiet and thoughtful when he takes off his shirt.
Wait, no – scratch that, reverse it. Women like Ryan Reynolds, don’t they? And it’s men that like superheroes. So a superhero movie starring Ryan Reynolds like The Green Lantern – appealing as it will to both genders – must be the perfect date movie, right? Wrong. The Green Lantern is rubbish, and we’ve got the trailer to prove it.
The Green Lantern. The Green Lantern! You know, he’s, uh, green and he has a, um, lantern…
You see, this is the problem with The Green Lantern – he’s a third-rate superhero. In fact, on a superhero popularity scale, where 10 is Superman and 1 is Bananaman, The Green Lantern probably scores a solid 3, mainly because:
1. He’s not actually The Green Lantern – he’s one of a bunch of people who get covered in green nuclear jizz, or something, then have to join this special gang. The film should in fact be called A Green Lantern. Presumably Hollywood didn’t go down this route because they’d have to secure the services of Jessica Tandy and some fried whimsical tomatoes.
2. He finds a magic ring which wields great power… Hmm, derivative much? It’s just like this Tom and Jerry movie.
3. It’s a lantern. Ooh, a lantern! Not exactly THOR HAMMER OF THE GODS, is it?
And it stars Ryan Reynolds.
But can any movie really claim to star Ryan Reynolds? Wouldn’t it be more honest to say that some films also include Ryan Reynolds, mugging and flexing away in a corner?
Still, we’d better check out The Green Lantern trailer just to be sure.
Did you get all that? Wasn’t it funny when he said there was water “in the tap”? What about when he meets Kryten from Red Dwarf? And why was Peter Sarsgaard made up as Ned Flanders from The Simpsons? And what was all that business about flying around inside a Finish dishwasher powerball?
Oh, we don’t know. We’re so confused. We can’t tell if the The Green Lantern is actually going to be rubbish.
We’d better send one of our female writers to see for free, with snacks.
Just to, you know, check.
joelys86 says
haters hate again, the green lantern is one of the greatest comic book series ever made you would know that if you ever read some of them. however I’m guessing you haven’t in that case bare with me. he is a comic book super hero so there needs to be some sort of charm to attract audience members from all over the demographic. in fly’s Ryan Reynolds, Ryan is the best man for the job i mean the best. if you have ever seen some of Ryans romantic comedies like JUST FRIENDS or VAN WILDER you would know that catches the female demographic right there. however if you have seen some of his brilliant work in films like FIREFLYS IN THE GARDEN or CHAOS THEORY you would know he is a top notch actor as well. then to top it off WOLVERINE one of the worst super hero movies ever made starred Hugh Jackman. the film was falling apart until that final epic scene with wade wilson otherwise known as DeadPool played by Ryan Reynolds. all i can say is that you sir are a hater this film looks and has the potential to be great as well as a great series. how can somebody dismiss a film before it even comes out. i will now tell you, they are haters plain and simple.
Mrs Reynolds says
I’m with you joelys86. Ryan Reynolds is friggin’ sex on legs and he’s gonna make The Green Lantern a classic. Long live The Ryan!
Stabby McGee says
I’d rather not “bare” with you, joelys86. Seeing as you’re a comic book nerd, the combined luminescence of our pasty skinbags would almost certainly blind every living being in a fifty-mile radius. Still, with a fly large enough to envelop Ryan Reynolds, I’m sure it would be a blessing.
That said, I’m keen to hear more of your theories on catching the female demographic. I’m sure with your inability to determine the gender of a writer based on obscure clues like their name, you’re a natural woman’s man and not at all a creepy Ryan Reynolds obsessive with a long-absent sense of humour or taste.
Sunny says
Woo on the green glowing superhero garb. Woo on Ryan Reynolds. Enough said.
Johnny D says
Gotta agree with OP – this trailer is absolutely garbage. I watched it three times, the latter two of which were out of a need for laughter.
Ryan Reynolds, as the article states, mugs, flexes, and whimpers…he is a half man with a boy’s body. It is so sculpted that it is no longer virile, just vain.
Cookie Monster says
I’m sorry, foreigners. I guess that you didn’t know that all Canadian men look, more-or-less, like Ryan. It’s all the wood hewing and water drawing here in the colony. Most of our wives look like Scarlett. A shame that he had to import her, but it’ll do.
Oh, and I wasn’t a fan of That Green Lamp growing-up. He seemed sort-of, meh, with a side of whatevs. I hear that he’s quite green and can light a backyard, so, he’s got that going for him, I suppose.
Diego says
wow the way you cleverly talked about the girls reading comics and scratching their privates while guys drool over Ryan Reynolds and then switched it around, soooooooo funny oh wait…did I say funny? I meant stupid and a failed attempt at acting smart. You know nothing of Green Lantern as portrayed in your paragraph about him being covered in “nuclear jizz” and everyone loves Ryan Reynolds I think you should quit blogging because you just look like a retard when you attempt witty remarks so quit while you’re behind.
Diego says
lol a woman with big words, dangerous combination. That said, I am NOT keen on hearing more of your theories on comic book nerds and even though I have not had the pleasure of being indulged in the “comic book era” seeing as I grew up with Nintendo 64 and Dragon Ball Z just cause you own a thesaurus does not mean you should use it in your web browsing adventures of being a bitch (hey I could make a comic book about that) well all I really wanted to say was go fuck yourself and have a nice life being the cat lady no one likes, buhbye