Television may be currently engulfed in giant fakery scandal that looks set to undermine the credibility of the entire medium, but we can always trust Kate Moss' eyelashes, can't we – Kate Moss' eyelashes would never let us down.
Wrong! Kate Moss' eyelashes don't even exist – they've been digitally created on a computer, much like Gollum or one of the Super Mario Brothers. It's true – watch the advert for Rimmel Magnif'Eyes mascara where Kate Moss hobbles down a road, looks in a shop window, flicks two molecules of Rimmel Magnif'Eyes mascara over her face and then watches as her eyelashes magically expand until it looks like someone has pulled out Kate Moss' eyeballs and plugged the holes with two giant flailing octopuses. Or rather, don't watch it. You can't see this particular Kate Moss Rimmel advert because the Advertising Standards Authority have said that it's basically a big lot of bullshit.
It's becoming clear to everyone that everything we see on TV is a lie. Richard and Judy and Blue Peter run scam quizzes, Gordon Ramsay says he catches fish that he doesn't and the Queen isn't nearly as ill-tempered as people would have you believe. And yet the trend continues – on Monday night we watched Nigella Lawson eating some noodles on a bus when it's painfully obvious that if it wasn't for the cameras she'd have been gorging on Foie Gras in the back of a giant limo. And we refuse to believe that her son's haircut is real, too, since only a drunk blind witch with arthritic hands and a petrol-powered chainsaw could come up with something that foppishly awful for real.
But while we're only just figuring out that TV shows are all lies, it's been common knowledge that adverts lie to us for years. Cheese Strings don't make schoolchildren tapdance, Lotus Thirst Pockets kitchen towels don't work because there's a tiny breed of elephant living on them sucking up all the water and, when you're drunk, barmen never launch into schizophrenic monologues telling you not to drive. But worst of all are adverts for mascara – and that's why the Advertising Standards Authority is cracking down hard on them.
First Penelope Cruz's mascara advert was thumped by the ASA, and now it's the turn of Kate Moss' advert for Rimmel Magnif'Eyes mascara. It's been banned, you see, because it's all bollocks. The Independent reports:
Advertisements for Rimmel mascara in which Kate Moss's eyelashes were digitally enhanced broke advertising industry rules, watchdogs have concluded… Rimmel's promotion starring the Croydon-born model has similarly incurred the wrath of the Advertising Standards Authority. The agency behind Rimmel's television and magazine campaigns denied that Moss wore false lashes during the shoot but produced no evidence to prove it, the authority said. Rimmel's "Magnif'eyes mascara" adverts broke the rules by using images which may have exaggerated the product's benefits, it added.
Watch the Kate Moss Rimmel Magnif'Eyes ad for yourself. See? Not only do Kate Moss' eyelashes bloat out like they've been attacked by jellyfish, but the advert also claims that the mascara provides '70 per cent more lash lift' – which the ASA says is misleading because it doesn't literally make your eyelashes 70% bigger, but it sort of looks like it sometimes possibly, mainly if you have an expensive team of post-production artists digitally altering your life as it happens. Anyway, the ASA has banned the Kate Moss mascara advert from ever being shown again in its current form unless it's being used on a compilation TV show called Look At This Bucket Of Bullshit.
But, still, we're sure that with her Topshop range and her ability to wear nice clothes sometimes Kate moss couldn't give a runny fart about her digitally-manipulated eyelashes. And that's the way we hope it stays, because as soon as Kate Moss starts to care about things she'll become emotionally vulnerable, increasing the chances of her getting back with her recently-dumped boyfriend Pete Doherty. And that is literally the worst thing that could ever possibly happen to us.