America always has to do slightly better than England at everything, doesn’t it? They produce Usher, we produce Lemar. They made 24, we made Inspector Linley.

It goes on forever. Them – Paris Hilton having sex on the internet. Us – that girl from Hear’say rubbing her mary in a public toilet. It’s just not fair.

Take The Apprentice. Alright, the BBC copied the USA for this one. But still, they get Donald Trump, a man with the most ostentatious haircut in the universe screeching into thirty-six blackberry cellphones at once. In a helicopter. A stretch helicopter. Made of emeralds. Above New York City.

And us Brits? We get Alan Sugar, a man who can’t even grow a beard properly, scraping his heels inside a cobweb-filled factory stacked up with loads of those rubbish Amstrad e-mail phones that he can’t sell.

In America right now, the biggest story the show is generating is that one of the contestants, Chris Shelton, got arrested for violent behaviour because he didn’t want to pay $20 to get into a club. Arrested! The best we’ve got is Saira, a woman who sometimes talks down a bit to chefs.

Read more about the arrest here.

The Apprentice is on BBC2 tonight at 9.

Get ‘Popstars’ By Hear’say for as little as 1p from amazon.co.uk. One penny! Honestly!

[story by Stuart Heritage]