Your Madonnas and your Jon & Kates might get the headlines, but divorce connoisseurs know real quality when they see it.

And Anne Heche, make no mistake, is quality. She used to be a lesbian until she was cured by the power of her mother’s prayers. She sometimes believes that she’s the half-sister of Jesus and has the power to communicate with aliens. And she spent more or less the entire duration of a recent Letterman interview laying into her just-divorced ex-husband for no good reason whatsoever. Like we said, Anne Heche is quality.

Yes, there’s video after the jump…

First, let’s contextualise this a little bit. Anne Heche – who you may know as the lesbian who split up from Ellen DeGeneres on God’s orders, or as the woman who once turned up at a stranger’s house high on Ecstasy and declared that God was about to take her to heaven in a spaceship, or as the woman whose gay Baptist minister father reportedly gave her herpes as a child – used to be married.

Specifically Anne Heche used to be married to a man called Coley Laffoon, presumably because his name makes him sound like a racist French circus clown. But, for whatever reason, Anne Heche and Coley Laffoon got married and had a son named Homer. And then they fell out and got divorced.

In the divorce – despite perfectly rational arguments by Anne Heche that all he ever did was masturbate and play ping pong – Coley was awarded custody of Homer, presumably because the judge had read the first four paragraphs of this article. And, despite Anne’s confusing plea of poverty, that’s where we are today. Coley Laffoon has custody of Homer and receives regular child support from Anne Heche. But, hey, at least it’s all in the past.

And then Anne Heche went on David Letterman and, spurred on by possibly the most generic question ever asked, decided to spend a few minutes brutally laying into her ex-husband. Have a look…

Perfect, isn’t it? If you ask us, nothing is going to allow you to regain custody of your son faster than a berserk extended screech about how much you hate his father on television. But what makes it even more perfect is that Coley Laffoon has risen to the bait and hit back at Anne Heche. He told US Weekly:

“After coming home from showing two different clients two different condominiums, I was disturbed to see Anne taking out her personal frustration on the father of her child on national television.”

The excellent thing about this is that now it’s Anne Heche’s turn again. And if she wants to be taken seriously as a demented old harpy, she’d better be able to top her Letterman performance. We’ve looked into this, and apparently the only way she’d be able to do this is by setting herself on fire and having a cliff-top fistfight with a bird of prey. So look out for that, we guess.

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