At this juncture, it’s probably time we realised that Anne Hathaway will never fall in love with us.

We’re just not bad enough for her. Look at Anne Hathaway’s last boyfriend – the man who essentially dressed up as the pope and swindled people out of millions of dollars. He was a spectacular turd, and Anne Hathaway fell for him. Unless we suddenly decide to rob a nursing home or torch an orphanage or hurl a kitten into an abandoned quarry, we’ll just have to resign ourselves to the fact that Anne Hathaway will never love us.

Or will she? After all, Anne Hathaway does seem to be loosening her entry requirements – her current boyfriend has been accused of stealing a mural from a construction site. Maybe we should do something just as crazy, like deliberately failing to put the correct postage on a parcel or something. Oh yes, then she’ll be ours.

This is a dark day for Anne Hathaway. She has a reputation to uphold, after all. Not her reputation as America’s emerging sweetheart, you understand, or her reputation as an actress who can constantly traverse genres with an ease that belies her youth – we’re talking about her reputation as the woman who only ever goes out with shits.

Anne Hathaway has a type that she usually goes for – the Danger Diabolik-style caddish playboy criminal. Take her last serious boyfriend Raffaello Follieri, for instance. Sure, he may have defrauded strangers out of their life savings by inventing links to the Catholic church during a series of crooked real estate deals – but he did it with a smile on his face, and then spent all the earnings on yachts and caviar and expensive jewellery for his moviestar girlfriend. That’s the kind of rakish high-stakes thievery that really gets Anne Hathaway going.

So imagine how she must feel today. Today Anne Hathaway’s current boyfriend Adam Shulman has been accused of stealing something as well. But what? The world’s largest diamond? A lorryload of gold bullion? All the possessions of all the passengers of a flagship cruise liner’s maiden voyage? Nope. A mural. Adam Shulman has been accused of stealing a mural from a construction site. That’s not caddish at all. It’s barely even charming. He probably didn’t even wear a tuxedo as he did it or anything. Anne Hathaway must be mortified. The San Francisco Chronicle reports:

Shulman and an unidentified male friend were caught detaching the large graffiti piece, by street artist Mr. Brainwash, from a construction site barrier. The pair then carted the makeshift wooden canvas off to a nearby apartment building. H&H Builders president Ken Hart considers the mural to be his property, and he has threatened to report Shulman to the police if the artwork is not returned.

Oh, Anne. We feel for you. Obviously the only thing you can do in this situation is to dump Adam Shulton immediately. Let this sorry excuse for criminality pass and things can only down downhill from here. Next he’ll be trying to impress you by shoplifting chewing gum and putting on fearless displays of not returning his library books on time and giving you things he found in bins that he’s only pretended to steal. Honestly Anne Hathaway, you can find someone willing to commit much more serious crimes than this. You just have to believe in yourself.

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