Angus T Jones Becomes a Jesus Freak, Denounces Blasphemous “Two and a Half Men”

Angus T Jones

You know, I love fundamental Christians. Last week they alienated everyone in the UK by refusing to allow women to become bishops (and saying in the meantime that women were subservient to men, which got them about as much support as turkeys voting in favor of Christmas).

This week, Angus T. Jones (the “half” of “Two and a Half Men”) became a totally insane Christian who seems to have forgotten quite how he got his money. It sounds so ridiculous as to be untrue, but Jones literally said the following about his own primetime TV show that pays him a steady $350,000 per episode. (That’s right - $350,000.)

If you watch ‘Two and a Half Men,’ please stop watching ‘Two and a Half Men.’ I’m on ‘Two and a Half Men,’ and I don’t want to be on it. Please stop watching it; stop filling your head with filth. Please. People say it’s just entertainment. … Do some research on the effects of television and your brain, and I promise you you’ll have a decision to make when it comes to television, and especially with what you watch.

WHAT.

THE.

FUCK.

I mean, there is literally nothing I can write that is funnier than that paragraph there. I could sit here and channel the comedy greats and have nothing. I could connect myself to the ghost of Groucho Marx via some sort of ouija board and ask for guidance and still not come up with something half as funny as this. The rather unfunny writing staff of Two and a Half Men are sitting eating stone cold pizza in a windowless, airless room right now going “OH SHIT, THIS GUY IS FUNNIER THAN WE ARE.”

Why would you say that? You are making more than some poor people make in their entire lifetimes, dude. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

Jones keeps going on as if he’s been slipped some sort of hallucinogenic by the God Squad:

You cannot be a true, God-fearing person and be on a television show like that, I know I can’t. I’m not OK with what I’m learning, what the Bible says and being on that television show.

Certainly some of the stuff he comes out with is just completely and utterly insane:

A lot of people don’t like to think about how deceptive the enemy is. He’s been doing this for a lot longer than any of us have been around …

You know what, watch the two “testimonies” embedded in this post. They really are great. In fact, they contain more laugh lines in their 30 minutes than in an entire season of Two and A Half Men. Emmy Award for Best Comedy 2013? It should go to these two masterpieces of comedy right here.

In fairness to Jones,  I did something similar. When I was 8 there was this girl that I liked, and she’d tickle me. “Stop!” I screamed, giggling. “I really don’t want you tickling me.” Of course, I wanted her tickling me. I’m not a dope. I’m not a rube. Maybe Jones is channeling 8-year old me (I mean, he’s what, 12 in TV years?).

I hope so, because if this is him being serious and not on the make, then that makes this a scary, scary world.

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