Angels & Demons Pope-O-Splodes The Weekend Box Office
Honestly Ron Howard, talk about phoning it in. Yes, we all know how successful The Da Vinci Code was, but put some effort in.
Because its sequel Angels & Demons might be the top movie at the weekend box office this week, but have you ever considered what made The Da Vinci Code so popular in the first place? That’s right – Tom Hanks’ tatty old mullet.
But look at his Angels & Demons haircut, for crying out loud. It’s almost normal. Honestly, there had better be a deleted DVD scene where Tom Hanks gives himself a bubble perm, or there’ll be riots.
So Angels & Demons is the US weekend box office number one, and we’ll admit to being a little surprised. Because, you know, it’s an adaptation of a Dan Brown book, so everyone already knows what they’ll get – a drop of anti-Catholic rhetoric, some gormless cryptic clues, enough real-life locations to ensure that anywhere mentioned in the book will get overrun by fat Americans shouting at each other about McDonalds for the next decade and terrible, terrible haircuts.
The worst thing about Angels & Demons, though, is that we suspect we’re going to look back on its time at the top of the US weekend box office fondly purely because it isn’t an impenetrable film about robots punching each other. Such a shame. Here’s the US weekend box office top five…
1 - Angels & Demons (Ron Howard may argue that Angels & Demons isn’t an anti-Catholic film, but did you know that the working title of Dan Brown’s first draft was entitled The Pope Has A Bum Where His Face Should Be And He Poos Out Of His Face And Then He Eats It With His Bum Which Is Also His Face? True story. Well, true-ish) $48,000,000
2 - Star Trek (It’s a controversial admission, we know, but we couldn’t find much to like about Star Trek. Next time put Captain Kirk in a girdle and a wig like nature intended and we’ll think about revising our opinion) $43,000,000
3 - X-Men Origins: Wolverine (No wonder Wolverine looks so angry all the time. If you’d sent your entire upbringing dropping to your knees and howling “NOOOO!” to the heavens every three seconds you’d be pretty narked off too) $14,800,000
4 - Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past (Where Matthew McConaughey sets out to sexually defile the corpses of all of his dead girlfriends. We assume) $6,860,000
5 – Obsessed (The moral of this film is supposedly ‘be careful who you flirt with’ even though, in our considered opinion, it’s actually ‘don’t watch Obsessed’) $4,550,000
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Will nobody comment on this? No?
Well, I think it needs to be said that the biggest mystery in the Catholic Church isn’t the Illuminati or the banned books. It’s why you can’t serve little cookies to people unless you have a penis.
I mean, I’ve seen the cookie ceremony, even sometimes with the optional wine. At no time did the priest take his male organ out or even use it in any way that I noticed. He just gave a cookie to everyone. Why can’t a woman do that? There’s a great movie to be made there, mark my words.
No Julian – I’m not going their either.
I was going to admit, sadly, that I rather liked the new Star Trek, they kid that plays young Kirk did a pretty good job, and he carries on the Kirk tradition of jumping in bed with anything other than a “human woman”
Umm, yeah, so the other thing, right, ok, I’ll take a shot at that.
Assuming you know about Apostles?
12 Apostles – All Men, 2 female followers.
Thus priests are following in the tradition of the original apostles. Nuns follow in the tradition of the “reformed” Mary Magdelene and Mary (Jesus Mama).
Hope this helps to clarify