Angelina Jolie Steals Tom Cruise’s Job: Scientology Shockingly Not Involved
It’s a wonder Angelina Jolie still has time for movies these days, what with her off saving the world, donating to charity and stealing all the kids from Africa.
But apparently she of the lips fame does have time – not only time, but she also has the inclination to take roles that were initially meant for one Tom Cruise. Not content with stealing all the babies from the birthplace of humanity, it would seem that Angelina Jolie also wants to steal roles from Scientologists.
At least, that’s what it looks like on current evidence.
The long-touted but never actually made Edwin A. Salt is reportedly the film that Jolie will be taking the lead role in, with the title receiving a change as we would all expect. Edwina A. Salt doesn’t sound that good, mind, so hopefully they’ll put more thought into it than we have.
Not only will the title change, but the script itself is being redrafted to accommodate Angelina and her style. Which probably just means there will be more in the way of revealing thigh/cleavage shots than was originally intended – not many more though, as we’re sure the Cruiser wanted to show his rack off just as much as Jolie, but more nonetheless.
There may also be some re-writing for other reasons that we can’t even guess at, but the general story is likely to remain the same: CIA agent accused of being a Russian spy, has to elude capture long enough to establish his/her innocence. Sounds… formulaic. Oh well.
It does seem that Angie keeps on getting everything handed to her these days – from the $14 million for pictures of her tiny fleshbags, through the obviously necessary help and advice of everyone’s favourite knobend Bono and onto the fact that she’ll probably end up getting handed the Catwoman role, should the part ever get cast – the girl seemingly gets everything handed to her on a particularly sexy platter. Now put Tom Cruise’s job on that list.
The poor tiny man – his wife’s gone and done a runner, for a bit at least, he’s all alone and now he doesn’t even get to be a spy in a film he was supposed to be in for ages. It’s probably affected his thetan levels too, bless his little face. But hecklerspray can’t see Tom Cruise doing anything but a great big smile when he finally gets to show the world how great he is as a one-eyed Nazi.
As for Angelina Jolie, well – she would seem content with popping out sprogs, stealing sprogs from other countries, getting it on with Brad Pitt, forcing our stand-in editor to go on Sky News and talk about them in a thoroughly stupid, ill-informed and embarrassing fashion and taking roles off of possibly mental Scientologists.
Oh, and let’s not forget she’s taking part in an adaptation of Atlas Shrugged, too. But we’re not really qualified to comment on that one in our usual hilarious fashion, as the book is really big and full of words that we can’t be bothered trying to understand. Bloody Objectivism.
Whoa, you were on Sky News? Where’s the youtube footage?
Good! I don’t ever want to see that insane cult moron, Cruise, in anything anymore. I will not give one red cent to anything with $ceintologists in it because it will all just go back to that insidious criminal CULT.
Thank heavens. A movie that I will want to watch. Between cult denying Will Smith and cult promoting Tom Cruise there are few movies that I wish to spend my cash on these days. Jolie will be an excellent night out.
Wonder if the producers realised what a tragic (and money losing) move casting Tom “couch jumper” Cruise would be for their movie?
This is a good thing. Any movie with Tom Cruise in it is unwatchable — I mean more and more people can’t stand to look at a raving, insane heterosexual kook that sells obvious frauds and human rights abuses like Scientology. And let’s face it, Tom Cruise’s career is in the toilet not only because he sells organized crime that harms people and swindles them financially, the quality of his acting hit the toilet at the same time the Scientology crime syndicate started really sinking their criminal hands into his bank accounts big time.
Angelina’s acting remaing quality and, unlike Cruise, she’s willing to obey the script writers, obet the directors, be part of the team. She’s not some frothingly insane cultist who thinks she’s the world’s authority on every subject and can set aside the laws, rules, and ethics of society like Tom Cruise and his fellow insane Scientology customers do. She’s far more lookable on the big screen for all of these reasons, far more than Cruise.
Take a poll. The majority of movie watchers can no longer stand Tom Cruise because of the core criminality that he shills for and because his acting is poor and his personality is that of an insane conman selling porn on street corners.
Oh, you may all laugh at Scientology if you please, but you’ll never get paid so much as they for bullcrap. We’ll take your laughter as a half-ack.
Oh Hai $cientologist David! “Half-ack” huh? That gives you away.
And just how would you know how much I, or any other critic of your cult earn for a living? Oh, that’s right! You DON’T! You just parrot what your cult leaders tell you about the people that oppose your cult’s abusive and unethical practices.
Yeah, you have to take the laughter now. Your cult has lost it’s power to control the media with it’s army of lawyers & over-zealous culties (like you) to harass and overwhelm them into silence.
Your CULT is too overwhelmed with way too many other issues (Anonymous & OG) to deal with all the scathing jokes and incriminating investigative reports the way it once could. My, how the tables have turned.
So keep on laughing my dear little scilon, because when your cult leaders are imprisoned from racketeering charges under the RICO statute, I know I will be.
Another movie I will not watch. I can’t stand Jolie. At least, Tom Cruise can act – Jolie just pouts her overgrown, plastic lips. I don’t watch movies with homewreackers.
At least Jolie uses her fame and influence for good and to help people.
Cruise uses his to recruit for a criminal CULT that harms people.