Team Aniston, it’s time to get the bunting out; your girl has won – Angelina Jolie has decided to retire from acting.
True, Angelina Jolie may have only hinted at an eventual retirement some time in the future, and only because fame no longer provides the same spiritual nourishment as raising a family or being committed to charitable work. Nevertheless, the message is clear – Angelina Jolie is quitting acting because Jennifer Aniston called her uncool this week.
Great, that’s just what we need – a power-crazed Jennifer Aniston. Now that she knows what can happen when she deploys the word ‘uncool’, we doubt very much that she’ll stop at Angelina Jolie. All we’ll say is this – don’t be surprised if Vince Vaughn suddenly decides to retire from acting as well or if, you know, Brad Pitt develops a horrible wasting disease on his penis. Or something.
Today hasn’t been deemed an international day of mourning just yet, but give it time. Angelina Jolie has decided that she’s probably going to retire from acting at some point in the future, and that’s probably the worst news we’ve ever heard in our entire lives.
After all, who’ll star in all the moronic movies about tattooed women who shoot cars until they explode and little worthy Oscar-baiting movies about beautiful women who fight against serious real-world issues? What’s that? Milla Jovovich and Charlize Theron respectively? Oh.
But anyway, that doesn’t detract from the fact that Angelina Jolie is retiring from acting. Probably. One day. Probably. People reports:
“I don’t plan to keep acting very long… I’m ready to do a few things now and fade away and get ready to be a grandma one day. I won’t work again probably for another year. So maybe it’ll be once a year, then maybe it’ll be once every three years. I’m not so worried that I want to keep this pace up and try to be something and be a celebrity and be a successful actress forever.”
You see? Angelina Jolie knows that there’s more to life than being an actress – like curing diseases in poverty-stricken African nations, or drawing attention to the unthinkable plight of the world’s refugees, or seeing the magic in a child’s smile. Plus making films is boring, and now she can stay rich and famous forever because Brad Pitt got her pregnant a couple of times.
But why now? Why has Angelina Jolie announced her retirement from acting now? It’s simple. It’s because – by calling her uncool earlier this week – Jennifer Aniston managed to get more headlines than Angelina Jolie, and the only thing Angelina Jolie could do to wrestle them back was to say that she might quit acting one day.
This was a dangerous move, because it means that Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston are now locked into a quickly-escalating spiral of death for headlines that nobody will be able to survive. You see, now Jennifer Aniston will try and top Angelina’s announcement – perhaps by getting married this weekend – and then Angelina Jolie will have to come back with something even more sensational. So, to save everyone some time, here are the next three months of headlines we can expect from Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston:
ANGELINA JOLIE: I’M ADOPTING AGAIN
JENNIFER ANISTON: YEAH? WELL I’M PREGNANT
ANGELINA JOLIE: I’VE GROWN A PENIS
JENNIFER ANISTON: I’VE GROWN TWO PENISES AND A LOVELY SET OF BALLS
ANGELINA JOLIE: I USED TO BE ADDICTED TO HEROIN
JENNIFER ANISTON: I KILLED A MAN WHILE DRINK DRIVING AND I DON’T EVEN REGRET IT
ANGELINA JOLIE: I’VE CURED AIDS WITH MY BARE HANDS AND CAN TRACE MY BLOODLINE DIRECTLY TO JESUS
JENNIFER ANISTON: EVERYONE LOOK! LOOK AT ME! I’M STANDING ON TOP OF A CHURCH IN A CROWDED SQUARE AND I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL BLOW MY OWN BRAINS OUT UNLESS ALL OF YOU LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME NOW! I’LL BLOODY DO IT!
Etc.
sue says
now that was funny!!!!!!!!!!jolie is just a fake!
janice says
not standing on top of a church to blow her brains out waite for flapper lip jolie to implode rather. keep it up and flapper lips may actualy retire and save us from anymore i am so sexy, brad can’t keep his hands off me look look i am the only woman that breasfeeds all my ten kids, at 65 look brad we did it again i am having triplets.
karen says
You people are stupid, another stoey from Angelina for pity she is not going to retire get a brain.
cec says
I think she is just throwing a pity party after being publicly called on her uncool behaviour when she thought she was St Angelina, and probably after reading somewhere that Kristin Scott Thomas’ performance is I’ve Loved You So Long is worthy of an Oscar. Her Changeling performance is so….same-o-same-o. It’s been rumoured she is either pregnant again or adopting again so she had to find something else to day to catch everybody’s attention. She sounds so….fake.
Andrea says
thats stupid. i HIGHLY doubt Angelina is going to retire because of what Aniston said. Why would she care??? doesn’t make any sense. She will probably retire because she wants to be a full time mother.
whoever wrote this article is stupid as hell.
Christina says
I agree with Jennifer Aniston. What ever happened to the sanctity of marriage? It’s not ok to have those kind of feelings towards someone else’s husband, and she’s right, it’s just plain uncool and disrespectful. I’m glad that Angelina is retiring. It will give her more time with her kids and family and society today really just doesn’t need anymore display of affairs.
It Is What it IS says
ok first of all, Angelina would never quit acting because of what Jen Aniston said. She doesnt give a flying f*ck about J Aniston. She showed that when she was bragging about stealing her husband from her. I used to like Angelina, but after the Brad Pitt debacle, I cant stand her. I cant stand women who go after other women’s men. And Brad had the GALL to try to call Jen and tell her off about calling Angelina uncool. What a lame!
kAYLA says
I’m glad to see someone has the guts to have a personality towards celebritys… nice to see that not everyone kisses their asses… lol
winddancer09 says
I realize this is a parody on what is going on in the news — this is a funny article!!!!!!!! Very disrespectful but witty, I have to admit. I wish both of these ladies the best of luck. Unfortunately they are kind of linked in the news constantly due to the fact Brad Pitt lacked the courage to ask his wife for a divorce — must have wanted a backup situation in case the relationship with Angelina did not work out — after all, she was the stronger of the two! Hey, has anyone noticed the talent of Leonardo di Caprio — why can’t we hear anything about this guy who KNOWS how to act?
Fay Pamplin says
I wish Angelina would do us all a favor and fall off the face of the earth. She better be glad that Jennifer is a lady and not like some of us mean women, some of us women would have beat her A** so bad her own mamma wouldn’t know who she is. And would someone tell her there are over 500,000 kids her in this country that need to be adopted.
If she had to be a real mother and cook, do the laundry, give baths and clean up after all those kids I bet she wouldn’t want to be ” SUPER MOM”.
lisa says
Oh my gosh, that a great article!!! I am so sick of Angelina! I also used to like her before she started being a fake and a hypocrite. Brad I always thought you were just a pretty boy and I knew there was a reason why I never liked pretty boys.
Suzanne says
I think she should be at home !! You have that many children ,you should take care of them !!!! Not have a herd of nannies doing your work as a parents…
kathie says
Mybe she will adopt all of Africa now!!!!!
t says
losers! angie is the best.
Gilbert Wham says
When I am made President For Life, youse bunch of fuckwits are going to be dealt with.
Cam says
I bet Angelina laughed her as* off when she heard Aniston call her uncool! If I were Angelina I would be like.. Uncool? B*tch im soooo cool that your man decided to come with me. Whos uncool!?! Get over it you f*cking Crybaby!!
HT says
Wait, what? Hecklerspray PARODIES celebrities? So none of this is real? My very world is imploding around me.
Julian Mentat says
Hold it, hold it! Are you guys seriously telling me that people can make a living by just standing in front of a camera and reading lines?
John says
Jen is an evil vindictive spiteful old hag. I can’t wait till she turn on the douche bag she’s with.
4 years and that stupid b!tch can’t move on with her life. Jen is a loser.