Angelina Jolie Officially Pregnant With Twins! Twiiiiins!

Anyone with even a passing interest in this stuff will have known for ages that Angelina Jolie is pregnant with twins.

But, people, guess what – Angelina Jolie is pregnant! With twins!

And this time it’s official, because Jack Black accidentally shot his gob off about how many kids Angelina Jolie was hiding up her uterus during a promotional interview for Kung-Fu Panda in Cannes, and Angelina Jolie was forced to confirm it. In other unrelated news, the bear community is also kind of pissed off at Jack Black for accidentally breaking the story that they occasionally shit in the woods from time to time.

Here are three things we know about Angelina Jolie:

1) Angelina Jolie is pregnant.

2) Angelina Jolie is pregnant with twins.

3) Angelina Jolie is pregnant with twin girls.

Oh, and:

4) That new Angelina Jolie movie Wanted doesn’t look very good at all.

But anyway, even though everyone already knew that, Jack Black has inadvertently caused Angelina Jolie to officially confirm that she’s pregnant with twins during a Cannes interview to promote Kung-Fu Panda, which we believe to be everyone’s cue to be all like “What? Pregnant? Twins, you say? We think we need to sit down for a moment as the magnitude of this wholly unexpected news has made us quite giddy.” The Boston Herald reports:

[Angelina’s] “Kung Fu Panda” co-star Jack Black let the news slip during their tandem promotional interview and Jolie, the mother of four, had no choice but to confirm the news. “You’re gonna have as many as (the) ‘Brady Bunch’ when you have these,” Jack joked during the sit-down… “It’s confirmed? Is it two?,” Natalie asked. “Yeah, yeah, we’ve confirmed that already,” said the United Nations Earth Mother. “Well, Jack’s just confirmed it, actually.”

Yeah, nice one Jack Black. Congratulations for blabbing all of your co-star’s poorly-kept intimacies. What next? Are you going to use a joint interview to describe how Dustin Hoffman‘s hair is really made out of weasel pubes? Or how Jackie Chan trawls through dustbins at night for dirty nappies so he can wipe them all over his delighted face? Even though neither of these things are true? Huh? Huh Jack Black? Huh?

Anyway, now the secret about Angelina Jolie’s unborn twins is out and there’s nothing anybody can do about it. Sure, there’s a chance that Angelina will pay a little Afghan orphan to climb into her birth canal eight months in, and order him to wait around for a few weeks and then crawl out when she gives birth to make it look like she’s actually had triplets, but that hardly seems very likely now, does it?

Really, Angelina Jolie should be pleased that the news is out, because now the glossy magazines have some advance warning to save up for the inevitable cover-shoot photo deal, which will now cost twice as much as before.

And it’s advance warning for all of us, too – if Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are having two babies instead of one, that means that in a few months we’ll all be unceremoniously bumped down two places in the world attractiveness rankings rather than the single place we were anticipating. Now we have a bit more time to prepare for such a crippling blow to our self-esteem. Stupid good-looking babies.

Read more:

It’s official: Twins on board for Jolie – Boston Herald


  1. J Bollocks says

    ATT: HS “staff/conscriptees/prisoners/hostages”

    Come on guys (& guylets?) what wrong with comparing her vagina/cervix/uterus with a chickens cloaca?