The UK hasn't exactly been leading the world when it comes to Eurovision lately, has it?
For a nation that spawned Simply Red and Wet Wet Wet, the UK should be bringing home the points instead of lagging at the bottom.
But why is this? Maybe it's because we haven't resorted to dancing on stage with camels in silly hats like some of our European neighbours. Nevertheless, Andrew Lloyd Webber has unveiled his six new potential Eurovision contestants. Probably best not to buy any bunting just yet.
It’s all change this year as far as Eurovision is concerned. The UK’s continued failure has infuriated Terry Wogan enough to leave his role as commentator. Instead of having an old Irishman making snide comments about the contestants, this year we’ll make do with a younger camper model called Graham Norton. Now we?ll get high pitched squeals as he says ?That outfit is terrible? and ?Where did that banana go??
What’s more, it’s become clear that the UK’s selection process isn’t working – which is why over the last few years we’ve entered a cloth-eared duo, a rapping denim-clad pervert and a singing binman. So the BBC had a ponder and realised that they needed someone who knew about music to come in and sort this out for us.
Instead of picking someone hip and trendy like, er, Mark Ronson they decided to go for someone old and annoying like Andrew Lloyd Webber. The chances of him producing a grinding drum and bass track are probably quite low. Instead, we can expect some sort of orchestral dribble which will only be appreciated by pensioners.
Anyway, as part of the new X Factor-style selection show Eurovision: Your Country Needs You, Andrew Lloyd Webber has picked six acts he thinks will get at least 30 points in 2009?s competition. Not that it matters, because ultimately the winner will be chosen by whoever’s stupid enough to spend ?1.50 phoning a premium-rate voting line – the same people who picked Scooch, remember – but let’s not depress ourselves with that at the moment. You can pick from two male soloists, two female singers, a duo consisting of twin sisters and an all-male quintet. BBC News reports:
The female solo hopefuls are Essex teenager Charlotte and Jade from east London – billed as Plaistow’s very own Rihanna. Mark from south Wales and Damien, a 32-year-old singer-songwriter from London, have been picked to represent the male soloists. The Twins – Francine and Nicola – are also in the running, along with vocal group Emperors of Soul.
Essex?s version of Rihanna? So instead of prancing around stage with an umbrella, will she instead waltz around with a bottle of Lambrini in a white shell suit? If anything, picking the twins will be the best option for us. Lesser developed European countries will be shocked and awed as to how we have bred two people who look exactly the same. First they?ll give us the points we need, then they’ll ring Gordon Brown in the morning to get their hands on this strange multi-person technology.
We trust Andrew Lloyd Webber. He seems to know what he's talking about. He's old, and the elderly are warm and caring. Though it doesn't hide the fact that come Eurovision 2009, Russia will still have a strong grip on oil and gas supplies. Oil and gas that everyone else in Europe needs. If making them win a crappy singing competition means we can produce hot water for our Pot Noodles, then we?ll vote for them.
Even if it's just a dancing bear for three minutes, we?ll vote for Russia. It'll be more entertaining that we?ll muster up.
someone says
LOl nerd