Robert Pattinson is a crashing bore isn’t he? There’s so little about him that, should you see him at a party, you might be tempted to hang your coat on him. Even then, your coat would become so bored of hanging on such a useless lump that it would throw itself to the ground in the hope someone might steal it.
Still, that doesn’t stop Pattinson and his face soiling the undercarriages of the world’s tweens. They just can’t get enough of him. His bored, motionless face looks like smouldering, caged-up sexuality to their eyes. They luurrrve him. They want to ride him like a stolen moped.
This is, of course, all very irritating. Which is why hecklerspray salutes our newest hero – an elephant who nearly crushed Robert Pattinson into being a rather boring corpse.
If you didn’t know, Pattinson is shooting a movie called ‘Water for Elephants’ which also stars Reese Witherspoon. It isn’t confirmed whether Witherspoon and Pattinson will be playing the part of elephants or not. It isn’t confirmed because we haven’t asked anyone.
Apparently, Rosie the Elephant was being signalled at by a trainer and after one hand-gesture, instead of stepping forward, she sat down and rolled over while Pattinson was on her back.
A source probably says:
“I’m not convinced. The elephant had done the same action 40 times on the bounce when Witherspoon was sat on her back. She was no trouble at all. As soon as Rob climbed on top of her, she was rolling around on her back and hooting in his face with that great big nose thing of hers. At one point, she picked up a rock and it looked like she was going to hurl it at Rob’s face. The trainer suggested that Robert’s face was so boring that Rosie could look at it long enough to get a decent aim.”
Alas, Pattinson hasn’t died and is fine after some quick thinking on his part. Basically, the news is that he jumped off in time and landed in some mud, much to the amusement of everyone on set.
mashup says
Man, you guys are soooooooooooo funny! so funny why don’t you just stfu, you’re only writing about people like that cos it brings you readers blah blah blah. Who gives a s**t if the bloke is boring or not or whether he and his left testicle are attending a party or being crushed by a mutant grasshopper. Geez, I thought this was a ‘grown-ups’ site?! bleurgh…… I would just like to be able to read something that doesn’t involve these peeps for once!!!
Kris Silver says
This site isn’t grown up enough for someone who still uses the word peeps? Wow.
Jennifer says
Damn it.
pingu says
ha i love how people see an article with robert pattinsons name clearly written in the title then read it just so they can complain abt it on the comments :L if u dont want to read abt robert pattinson dont click on a link with robert pattinsons name there u moron, wat a waste of time
Joanne says
I’d say you’re only jealous because he’s not your type. Get over yourself and find someone more your style, like the piles Rosie leaves to be cleaned.
Debbie says
Whoever wrote this can shut the hell up and quit being so hateful. Oh, and watch your back because some Twihards and probably waiting in the bushes for you ;)
Jaimee says
I’m a huge Twi-tard and even I thoroughly enjoyed this article. Face it fellow Team Edward-ites; this was not only funny, but sadly true. Yep, Pattinson’s acting runs the gambit from A to B. He’s easy on the eyes (duh), but, outside of being the physical manifestation of one of our all-time fave literary characters, the dude doesn’t have a whole lot more going for him. HOWEVER, none of that would stop me from stealing a ride on the RPattz express!
cougar says
f you
brooke says
shut the fuck up. jeeze if i wanted to hear complaining, id go to my friends house. like pingu said if u dont wanna read bout him then dont click the link have fun
amber says
Kristen Stewart is a rude, selfish girl, the only time she’s happy is when Rob Pattinson is around – who wouldn’t be?? She gives the finger every other minute. She is going to make Rob’s life miserable. Watch.
Everyone needs to read this blog…the girl is NOT WELL
http://www.hollywoodsauce.wordpress.com
Reena says
I guess you are trying to jump start your pathetic writing career by doing articles about a celebrity that will bring you many hits to your site. WOW! You’re so cool *note sarcasm*
T.Harris says
Wow, I cannot believe how misinformed you are in regards to Robert Pattinson. Clearly you have not seen his interviews to see what a great sense of humour he has. He is a larrikin and can have a laugh and put other people at ease in so many situations. I think that the old saying applies, really if you have nothing nice to say about him then why bother writing about him at all? I mean you are not good at it anyways, so I would concentrate on writing about something you actually like and see if you can get any better doing that. I would say good luck with that, but I wouldn
suzie jones says
Wow, is your name MOF?? Really? Do you have any idea what that word means in Dutch/other Germanic languages? Google it. And get a pseudonym, that name will never lead to a Pulitzer…
Andrew Keet says
Stop worrying about some idiot on the elephants back and take sometime to learn about the real victim here – THE ELEPHANT – view: http://www.andrews-elephants.com
T.Harris says
Suzie (I used a capital for your name even though clearly you do not know when they need to be used) I was writing to the person who wrote the article, was there any need for your pretentious statement? The other thing that concerns me is that you knew what MOF meant, something I had not heard of because I am obviously not a nerd. How sad are you?… Why are you reading a Robert Pattinson article anyway, are you even a fan or just so terribly bored?