Amy Winehouse’s New Album Is All Like Super Depressing

Given everything that she's been through over the last year or so, you'd expect that Amy Winehouse's new songs would be pretty bloody miserable.

But get this, they're not. Rumour has it that Amy Winehouse's new songs are called things like I Love Moonbeams And Glitter-Monkeys and Boys Make My Heart Go Cock-A-Doodle-Doo! and are all so happy that they could probably be used on a Haribo advert.

Just kidding - Amy Winehouse's new songs are so depressing that her friends think she'll kill herself soon. But we had you going, didn't we? April fool!

The list of things - self-inflicted or otherwise - that Amy Winehouse has to deal with every day includes self-harm, the abuse of hard drugs, some rubbish tattoos, a husband incarcerated for a violent attack, constant media scrutiny and an illness that makes her skin look all weird.

Ironically these are the exact same circumstances that Lipps Inc went through when they wrote Funky Town, but Amy Winehouse seems to have veered off in another direction. Amy Winehouse, you see, is in the process of writing a new album. And how do you follow up the multi award-winning biggest-selling album of 2007? Simple - by being so weirdly fixated on death that it makes The Holy Bible by Manic Street Preachers sound like Rhythm Is A Dancer. Digital Spy reports:

A source revealed: "Her next album is darker than ever. Amy’s got low self-esteem anyway but her skin has made her want to hide away from the rest of the world. And we have started noticing more and more cuts on her arms. Her problems are pushing her over the edge and she’s turning into a depressed recluse. It’s not good for her to stay in so much. People try to get her to leave the house and tell her not to worry about what people say. But she’d rather sit around her dingy flat all day writing about death."

Which is weird, because we heard that Amy Winehouse's new album was going to be a set of Christmas songs recorded with Mika. Actually, if that's the case it explains the depression completely. Imagine being shut in a soundproofed room with Mika for weeks at a time. We want to kill ourselves, and we're just imagining you imagining being trapped in a room with Mika. We can only imagine how Amy feels.

Anyway it all sounds very serious, and those around her must fear that Amy Winehouse will imminently try to commit suicide if these lyrics are as dark as everyone says. But on the plus side, her songs will probably be used less on Dancing On Ice and X Factor if they're called things like The Shrieking Unrelenting Blackness Of My Poisoned Soul. So it all balances out really.

Besides, just because Amy Winehouse is writing some depressed lyrics, it doesn't mean that she's going to kill herself. Look at Ian Curtis, for example.

OK, bad example. 

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New Winehouse album is 'suicidal' - Digital Spy